About the Author:  Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has another wellness-related business offering Salt Therapy, Salt Works Saltariums.  Salt Therapy offers an all natural treatment solution for respiratory and skin problems.​ All three businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, writer and event facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio, www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange hosting "Embrace Change with Kate ".   

      ​It should be the easiest thing in the world just to be yourself, right? Why is it then, that there are so few people that manage to be who they really are and express themselves in a genuine way in life? I think that children start out instinctively knowing who they are and learning quite naturally to express themselves in a genuine way.  When do we start diverging from our real self and becoming someone else?
    I don’t think it is something that happens quickly or consciously, but more a slow process we hardly notice as we conform to other people’s expectations and sometimes even our own expectations, betraying in small ways our core selves, until one day we look in the mirror and hardly recognize the person we see. Or maybe, it is not something we see, but somehow just feel that we have become someone we don’t know. We feel out of sorts, misaligned or incongruent, like we are trying to fit in somewhere we don’t become.
     As a life coach and hypnotherapist, I see clients all the time who are seeking clarity and say they feel lost and confused. They feel stuck or just don’t know who they are any more and find it difficult to make any decisions at all. Nothing feels right.  What I usually find is that they are out of alignment or congruence with themselves and their core values.  All of the parts and pieces that make up “you” and work together in sync are out of wack.  You feel confused and something says you should not be who you are. Every action chips away at that person you were born to be and you lose trust in yourself. You begin to doubt your own basic instincts and the sense of internal guidance that comes natural to you. Yes, we must learn discipline and what is accepted and expected behavior in certain situations. How can we do this and stay that unique person that is authentically "us"? How does this happen? How do we lose ourselves?
      It happens incidentally and accidently, as we react to everything and everyone in our environment. The little girl that is told she should not talk so loudly or the little boy that is told “boys don’t cry “, begins to doubt their own feelings and tries to behave as others think they should. Can’t, shouldn’t, must, don’t and every little doubt chips away at our core self! How do we navigate this without becoming someone we are not, without loosing our spirit and uniqueness? 

     ​While this does not happen to everyone, it does happen to many people at some point in their lives to one degree or another. When our body is out of alignment, we can go to a chiropractor or physical therapist or sometimes do a series of stretches and exercises that will put everything back into place and set us back to functioning and feeling as we were meant to. How do we go about that when it is our internal self, the very core of our being, our internal guidance system, that is out of alignment? It is a process of awareness and focus, a deep looking inward to find the truths that resonate with us and fit us on the deepest and most basic level. It is knowing yourself and acting in accordance with our core values and beliefs. It is a true self-awareness that feels comfortable and we can fall into with ease and simple grace.
      How do we go about finding ourselves or getting back to our true self? It does take some stretching of a mental and emotional sort and self-examination to get back to that true and authentic self and feel comfortably in-sync.  Where to start is sometimes the hardest question.  a little alone time is usually a good starting point. Taking some time to be with yourself and acknowledge how you really feel about things and what pleases or gives you bliss on the most basic level without outside influence will help.  Getting in touch with your inner-child and remembering who you were and what you liked as a kid can give you precious insight.  Were you artistic, athletic, organized or carefree? Did you have an active imagination? Were you quiet or the loudest kid in the room.  Did you like attention or prefer to quietly observe? All of these are characteristics and all of them are good and positive. There is nothing about us that is not beautiful. Yes, we sometimes have to learn to use our qualities in context, but we don’t have to be someone we are not or give up those traits that feel true to us. First, because we will never do it successfully and secondly, we will always feel like we are missing a piece of ourselves. Lastly, we will not come across as authentic to others.  Have you ever met someone who seems to be behaving in a way that does not seem “true” or authentic, even though you have never met them before? They just don't resonate as "real" or authentic! You can feel that they are not “themselves”, even though you have nothing to go on, except, a feeling. Chances are, as you get to know them better you will see that “real self” come out, if only for a moment and as you glimpse that person you will feel more comfortable with them.  So, if we are forced or choose to mask and hide our natural traits, we not only feel inauthentic to ourselves, but to others we meet and interact with, as well. Try doing things you loved as a kid or connecting with people you knew long ago. This can sometimes help to bring out that original self. 

​       As a kid, I loved art, writing, music and creating of all types. During the period of my life that I was most lost and out sync with myself, I had none of those activities in my life in any form. I remember my sister commenting on the fact that I didn’t even have any pictures on the walls in my apartment. I was a tomboy as a kid and really loved the outdoors and games or competition of all types. I was not doing anything that connected with that part of myself in any way. I loved animals as a kid and I had no pets or any connection with them at all. I loved reading and learning as a kid and I couldn’t remember the last time I read a book that wasn’t business related. I did not realize all of this and more, all at once, but I definitely felt that I was not the “me” that I wanted to be! Basically, I was at the crisis point that a lot of my clients come to me in. My life had literally fallen apart and I was being forced to evaluate how it had happened and what I could do now. I was asking myself, “Who in heck are you?” and not liking the answer.       The process of reconnecting started slowly and was a journey of renewal and discovery that felt so good. I often, refer to it as getting in touch with my “wise child” and realizing the little person I started out as was someone I really loved and respected and was “very proud” to be. I wanted to be her again and once I got started, it was so easy to be her because it just fit, like a pair of soft warm pajamas just out of dryer that are so warm and comfortable, you just know you want to put them on. 
       I started recreating me a step at a time connecting with the things I enjoyed doing and that gave me bliss. I really asked myself what things felt like and enjoyed those things that felt completely good and right. I expressed my feeling and started to feel more “me” the more I did this. I spent time with people who accepted me and made me feel good! And, the more I felt good it seemed, the more people I felt good around. It’s funny how that works! Now, my house is filled with art and I enjoy being there.  My life is about creating! I love to travel and be in the outdoors. If I have a challenging day, seeing a beautiful sunset or being in nature will always bring me back to balance and a happier state. I listen to music all the time. In the process of coming back to myself I went to 17 concerts in one year, partly fulfilling the list of concerts I had said I’d go to “someday” and partly just getting back in touch with music I loved! I connect with people more these days and realize that it’s important to me, especially being connected to my family, but I also spend a good amount of time alone –feeling connected to myself on a deep level and making sure that little girl I love, the “real me” is still there with me. I will be continuing this journey, as I have realized that we are a “work in progress”, always changing and growing, but staying connected to our core and being “brilliantly authentic”, like a rare one of kind gem!      

About the Author: Tammy Wilson Smith, PT is owner of Healthy Transformations and founder of Fun Fitness and Fabulous Food, a compilation of 3 programs to strengthen your body, nourish your soul and open your heart.   Safe & Savory, Play with Purpose Retreats and Hiking to Happiness all offer opportunities throughout the year no matter the weather, your experience or your health goals.
Here, we combine fun movement and nutritious food with new friends in a safe uplifting environment.  We encourage vulnerability in trying new things from new moves, new food, to new thoughts and experiences. Tammy's expertise as a Physical Therapist for over 30 years and her recent Wilderness First Aid training assure you are well taken care of in any circumstance. Visit www.tammywilsonsmith.com to experience past events, new registrations and a hiking calendar coming very soon.

      ​It’s been 18 years since my sister Nancy was diagnosed with leukemia and my world was shaken.  She was my person and to this day gifts me with wisdom, compassion, love and understanding.  She introduced me to Louise Hay, Caroline Myss, Deepak Chopra and many others.  She tried to teach me about protecting myself from toxic energy fields, setting boundaries, and loving myself unconditionally.  She is still teaching me those things and I hear her voice and feel her hugs daily.  It was such serendipity, that just last week, I was feeling especially sad thinking of her.  And the next morning received this email asking to write about the gifts I have received from someone who has passed to the other side.  That is no accident. . .just love from her.
      We were states away from one another, and I could hear it in her voice, that she was leaving soon.  Oh, she would try her best to muster up the strength to portray to others that she was on the mend, all while needing several platelet transfusions every week. Nancy decided a few months earlier, she was not going to go the chemo route, as she truly believed in the power of complementary medicine and alternative healing.  Being an ARNP herself, and a psychotherapist, she also knew the power of the mind and heart in healing the body.  But, I was worried and anxious, afraid of not being able to help her in some way, fearful of not getting to spend more time with her.  I took a leave of absence from work, despite the lack up emotional support from other family members, particularly my ex-husband. I ended up taking our daughter out of Jr. High school to spend the second half of those six weeks with us.  It was the first of two big decisions I made that year in order to spend more time with her.  The second happened a couple months later.  They were two of the best decisions of my life.
      During those first weeks while she was in the hospital having chemo, bone marrow biopsies, IV’s, contracting C-diff and fungal infections, her body languished, but her spirit soared.  There was a little pull out bed in her isolation room that I slept on many nights, and she would often waken at 3 or 4 in the morning, unable to fall back asleep.  That was when she would share memories of her childhood, of my childhood. You see, she was 12 years older than me, and being a twin, Nancy was essentially assigned to me, while Mom took care of my brother. I was the twin who slept better, ate better and was a bit healthier. We often joked about how she once tipped me out of my stroller and I’ve never been the same since.  And we’re not sure if it was accidental.  During those early mornings, she would talk of how mad she was as a teenager, having to give up cheerleading practice in order to come home from school to babysit.  There were two other siblings between us as well, and she was the highly capable older sister.  I missed her so much when she went off to college 300 miles away, just as I entered first grade.  When she came home from college on break, she was dressed like a hippie, smoked cigarettes (which my brother and I promptly broke) and said the word “SHIT” a lot.  I admired her.  When she married and had twin girls, I wanted to parent just like she did. . free spirited, mud pies, and homemade play dough every day.

​       Nancy had a way with words, and could make you laugh with her Norwegian accent, and stories from a time that seemed much different than mine. The stories that affected me the most were those she told of our older sister Julie, who died when Nancy was 4. The family was on a summer vacation from ND to the PNW when Julie became acutely ill.  The folks had dropped the girls off with family in Walla Walla, and then left for a second honeymoon on the coast to Seaside, OR.  I only understood much later why it was MOM never wanted to visit the OR coast when they would come to visit.  Julie died in a few days from viral meningitis. It was 1953, long before grief support groups or even encouragement to speak of loss.  Mom had already lost both brothers, and the Norwegian way, was to not speak of it. Nancy remembered the trip home on the train and a black porter (the first person of color she had ever seen) tell her in his drawl, “li’ miss, your sister, your sister is going to be just fine”.  Nancy had a way of taking you right into that train car with her, seeing and hearing that porter.  She also shared of days in the garden with Grandma Wilson, who could just be with her in silence and talk to the clouds, as if they were Julie.
Grandma was a fit 70 something during that time.  She lived 30 years beyond that time, to 100 years old and always had a special spot in her heart for Nancy.  And I I think me too, since my twin and I were the youngest of all the grandchildren.
       Nancy was the one who encouraged me to find myself, to leave an abusive marriage, and to trust men again.  She taught me to not be afraid of my emotions, to let the tears come, to speak my heart, and to give big hugs.  I think she was match making in heaven 6 weeks after she passed over, with my current husband’s late mom.
         She has been very present for me during these last couple years as I’ve started a new career and gone down the negative belief path a time or one hundred.  She’s the one who says, “atta girl”.   I met an intuitive last fall at an event, and within a few minutes she said to me, “your sister is here with you all the time. She’s right there on your shoulder. And she is so proud of you for continuing her work”. 

​About the Author:  Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has another wellness-related business offering Salt Therapy, Salt Works Saltariums.  Salt Therapy offers an all natural treatment solution for respiratory and skin problems.​ All three businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, writer and event facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio, www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange hosting "Embrace Change with Kate ".   

      I was frantically going through old boxes of treasures and mementos with tears streaming down my face. The longer I looked the more emotional I felt and the more important it seemed that I find the “The Letter”! It was April 12, 2012, my Mother’s Birthday and almost two decades since her passing. She had given me the letter along with my birthday card seven months before her death. It was an inelegant letter written in her almost unreadable tiny back-slanted chicken scratch handwriting and as I searched I was upset with myself for feeling so emotional. Why was it so important now?  I knew I had kept it and I had put it in a special place where I thought I would always find it. I thought someday I would share it with my sister, as proof I think. Proof of what? Proof that Mom had loved me? Proof that I was right? Proof that I was valued? Proof that I loved her and that she knew it? Proof that we had forgiven each other? I wasn’t sure, but It was important that I find it! I knew that! I continued to search until finally exhausted, I put the boxes back together and packed them away in the garage. I was upset that I had not found the letter and could not get it off my mind. Why was it so compelling at this time in my life? I would search again when I was fresh, I thought, and find it! It was probably one of those things where it had been there all the time in front of me and I just wasn’t seeing it.
       I never did look for the letter again. Had I lost it or even accidently thrown it away? I would never know if the words she wrote were exactly what I remembered, because I knew it didn’t matter. I had a dream that night that cleared everything up and left me with a deep sense of peace. I realized that I would never need to find the letter and that I would never show it to my sister. It did not matter what words were written on the paper! All that needed to be said or understood between my Mother and I had been conveyed over time in an energy and knowing that was invisible, more real and pervasive than anything that could ever be put into words on a piece of paper. The letter was just a symbol of the deep understanding of the relationship, bond, learning, pain, love, acceptance, gratitude and forgiveness that had been there in that relationship between my Mother and me.
         I knew that the letter had failed to say two of the three phrases I had longed to hear. It had not said, “I am sorry” or “thank you”, but I knew that I heard and understood those feelings and those words in what she had written. It had said, “I love you!” This had never been easy for Mom to say or show, but she had taken to saying it often in her last couple years of life. It was important to hear and I had started to believe it and was able to say it back without thinking too much about the past. 

        I knew that the letter had failed to say two of the three phrases I had longed to hear. It had not said, “I am sorry” or “thank you”, but I knew that I heard and understood those feelings and those words in what she had written. It had said, “I love you!” This had never been easy for Mom to say or show, but she had taken to saying it often in her last couple years of life. It was important to hear and I had started to believe it and was able to say it back without thinking too much about the past.
       I knew that she understood that I had forgiven her and that I realized she had given me gifts even in the worst of times that made me stronger and better. I realized that she had been both my strength and my weakness and that we had learned compassion from one another --- so many lessons born from a journey that had been difficult, painful and very human! It was on that day and with that realization that I knew I was fully ready to be myself and trust myself. I would never again struggle with the past or wonder who I was.
       A weight had been lifted and I was lighter, more joyful, even blissful, in a way I had not remembered feeling since I was a small child. I knew decisions would come easier now and my direction would be clear. I felt free to be myself and knew I had a purpose. I did not just know I had a purpose; I knew what it was!  It took a few years to connect all the pieces of myself that had been scattered about and pull myself into being. Reconnecting with the person I was meant to be and being congruent with my purpose opened up the doors to being able to express my deepest passions! A light had been turned on and I really loved what I saw! I knew it was that day looking for the “The Letter” and realizing it had all happened in the space inside of me and there was nothing I had yet to find,-- that was the beginning of my path to purpose and peace and feeling fully, unapologetically, proudly me! Thank you, Mom! Rest in peace! I love you!  

​About the Author:  Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has another wellness-related business offering Salt Therapy, Salt Works Saltariums.  Salt Therapy offers an all natural treatment solution for respiratory and skin problems.​ All three businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, writer and event facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio, www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange hosting "Embrace Change with Kate ".   

       Most of us have no desire to be a victim and most of us don’t want to be a bully or victimizer either, yet finding yourself in one of these roles can easily happen without you knowing or intending that to be the case. Why is this? It happens because we are relating to and interacting with others, some of whom are stuck in and constantly repeating these patterns because they have worked in the past and are familiar to them.
     The victim role rarely works for anyone in the long run, but in the short run it can seem to be effective and give some satisfying secondary gains. That is not to say that there are not people who are really victimized, but that being in that position usually takes some cooperation and is not ultimately advantageous.
     If you are a caring person who wants to help others, you have probably, at least once, found yourself in a position you did not intend, where someone is claiming to be your victim. I recently found myself there and had to evaluate how this happened and accept responsibility for my part in it.  Someone asked me for help and I was more than willing to help them. They were likeable and seemed to be sincere. It is my nature to want to help someone, if I can. I did get that little Spidey feeling that they were someone who would use me, but I thought if I was willing there wasn’t any way that it would be harmful.  So, I proceeded to help them and after a while I found I was helping them even more than I intended and yes, starting to feel taken advantage of. I tested this out by asking some very small things of them and, of course, they were not willing to reciprocate in any way.  So, I pulled back in my willingness and generosity of what I was sharing and what I got was disrespect for my boundaries and resentment for what I wasn’t willing to do for them.  "Hmmm?" I thought, "I have created this. haven’t I?"
      I had to think about it and came to the conclusion that I had let this person into to my life and decided to engage in this relationship and disregarded my intuition. I had made a faulty judgement in deciding that they could not hurt me, as long as I was willing to help and I had probably done them a disservice in allowing them to use me to accomplish what they were fully capable of doing for themselves.  So, it’s on me and I need to extricate myself from the situation and know better the next time.
      Does this mean we should not help others? No, but pay attention when you sense that someone has a pattern of using other people. Does this mean that people who are in the habit of using other people and falling into the victim syndrome are bad people? No, it just means that they likely have misjudged their own abilities and have low confidence and therefore, have fallen into this pattern. It has worked in the past and, in general, has the pay back of the sympathy they get when others assume them the victim. It is ultimately quite self-destructive, but until they see that, they feel others are causing them the difficulties they are experiencing. 

      When you seek to help, make sure you empower and don’t allow dependence. Don’t blame or accept responsibilities for others decisions or behaviors. Support, but encourage responsibility and capability. When you give, give freely without expectation. Be grateful for both what you receive and the opportunity to give. We never have to be a victim, we always have a choice to see things from another perspective and rise to our higher self, seeing clearly the choices and decisions we have made and sometimes the lessons we have learned from them.
      If you recognize that you have been victimized or played the victim role in a given situation, note how that felt and make the decision to choose differently next time.  If you find that you have a pattern of “being the victim”, ask yourself why you are making that choice. What is the secondary gain that you are getting from making that choice? Is it really working the way you’d like or are you really paying too high a price for what you get from it? You may be deluding yourself as to how you appear to others. While we sometimes see victims in a sympathetic light, we also tend to see them as weak and not in control or inconsequential. Is that image how you want to seen and is it the real you? Does it help you in achieving your ultimate goals and being who you are truly meant to be? These are questions only you can answer, but for most people the answer is clear and can be life changing.
     As an empath, I feel people’s pain and it took me a long time to realize that much of it is self-inflicted or accepted by choice, even while doing it myself. There is a saying that “pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice”. I believe this is true and being a victim is certainly a form of suffering we can choose to avoid. I hope you live in your own strength and truth with kindness, compassion, integrity, responsibility, love and acceptance!