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Balance & Flow

4/28/2022

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            I have long felt that these two words sum up nicely much of what life is all about. Balance and flow are at the core of our physical, mental and emotional well-being, relationships, communications and our existence in the larger environment. And, so it goes in outward waves that can be applied to just about everything that we call our reality and existence. If we understand the importance of balance and flow and strive to create and maintain that within ourselves and the world around us, that is the mechanism of functionality that leads us to contentment and the feeling of rightness with regard to life itself.
            When a mechanical device is working as it should and performing the tasks it was designed for, there is a fluidity, a synchronicity that is architecturally admirable and to those not engineering-minded a bit magical. There is this same quality in natural life, whether human, animal or the other creations of life we call nature and the environment we live in. There is a functional dynamic of how things are designed to work and when they are working right, a balance and flow is created that is beautiful and magnificent. It is the balance and flow that maintains the cycle of life. All things working just the way they are supposed to work.  Like mechanical things, this does not happen without some care and attention. Mechanical devices need to be properly maintained and cared for to keep them working with the correct balance and flow. You have to change your cars oil and replace the spark plugs at the proper intervals to keep it working right and if you forget to fill it with fuel or charge it (depending on its power mode), well, you are not going anywhere. Nature, of course, has its own maintenance mechanisms and would continue without interference from mankind, except that we interfere with those natural mechanisms and cycles and then need to take counter measures to put things back in order. Sometimes we do this by replicating what we see in nature and sometimes by our man-made measures, but there is an enormous amount of learning about balance and flow that we as humans can learn from nature.
            I talked a little about this in my recent book, Living In Joyful Resilience: A Roadmap for Navigating Life’s Ups & Downs. In nature, I saw many examples of remarkable resilience presented joyfully. The quote below is from my book and mentions the education we can get by observing nature:
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         “In its brilliance nature demonstrates how bending saves us from breaking and finding a new path allows us
​      to move forward. Nature shows us that is possible to break through and grow in situations that might look impossible.”
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             ​In life we, as humans, are sometimes confused by all the different information and guidance we get regarding what is best and most needed for us to be our healthiest, happiest and most successful or most optimally performing selves. We are told that doing something is good, so we do it, but then we hear that maybe less of that and more of something else is better and it all becomes confusing. As it turns out, it should be confusing because we are all individual and there is no right formula that works for everyone perfectly. There are some general guidelines that seem to be helpful, but we must all find our own balance and flow and that is work we do from the inside out. On an individual basic, we have to find the right recipe of input, output, actions, rest and so on, that will help us to function at our own optimal level. In the desert, where I now live the one thing that is very apparently lacking and often needed is water. When the dessert plants get enough water, they thrive and form a beautiful and unique eco-system. Sometimes people think though that if a little of something is good, more is better. This is not always true. Even in the dessert where water is scarce, more is sometimes not a good thing. I saw this demonstrated to me this past year with my first Arizona monsoon, which turned out to be a 55-year record. Personally, I found the monsoon a little scary with the thunder and lightning, torrential rains and flash floods, but Arizona in many ways needed the water and many of the plants and desert animals thrived. However, with many years of draught, some of plant life had adapted and for those plants the extra rain caused the over growth of fungus and some plants dies because of an excess of water and conditions that led to fungus over-growth.
            I was surprised to look out in my backyard and see a cactus that just days before had looked healthy, now looked like it had been attacked by wild animals and was apparently dead. Upon further inquiry, I found out that it had probably been dying from the inside out as a result of the fungus caused by excess water for nearly a year. There were a number of other plants in the area that had met the same fate. Not being a cactus expert, I had no idea the plant had not been healthy. As with people, the dysfunction or misalignment that leads to being out of balance started on the inside.  And, as with people, by the time it was outwardly visible things were quite serious and too late to be repaired. I learned a lesson about dessert plants and at the same time, I saw a correlation to people in this lesson. It is necessary to maintain the balance and flow within our individual bodies and lives and to start from the inside out. It is necessary to constantly check in and make sure everything is flowing smoothly and in proper balance, especially in the midst of changing circumstances or environmental factors or the trauma and chaos that life can offer. We are each unique individuals and need the right balance, like the delicate and beautiful eco-systems of nature. We must have proper maintenance and regular self-care is an important part of that.   
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Healing Imposter Syndrome

4/26/2022

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     Being known and understood or recognized in life seems to be one of our greatest pursuits, but perhaps really knowing, believing in and recognizing who we are ourselves, is a pursuit that is both more challenging and more rewarding. As part of my own awareness and self-discovery and in working with my clients this is a truth I have gleaned over many years, much self-reflection and a lot of input and observation of others. Really becoming fully self-aware and having confidence and trust in the person we are at our core seems to challenge us more than any other endeavor. We are perhaps taught and conditioned to look outside of ourselves for that mirror of who we are so totally that it is difficult not to, no matter what we achieve or how much input we are intuitively enlightened by. Many of us seem to question who that person we are at our core, our "soul essence", really is. This is so common, that it has been given a name, "imposter syndrome".  I have to say that I am regularly surprised by comments or admissions from clients, friends or even colleagues, most frequently women, but men too, who are very accomplished in many areas of their lives and who most people look at as successful, or having it “all together”, and they are expressing fairly extreme and, possibly unwarranted, self-doubts. Some even to the level of feeling that maybe they are fakes or that the image that others see of them and their success is not justified. They will often express fears that everything will fall apart at any moment and their "real", inadequate and unaccomplished self will be exposed. For many this is a lingering and underlying fear that causes anxiety and keeps them from really enjoying their success or celebrating their accomplishments and the beautiful souls they have grown into. 
 
         As a coach, this is something that at first puzzled me greatly. I wondered why do we do this to ourselves? In general, I never saw myself as suffering from this “imposter syndrome”, because I have always felt confident of my abilities even when they were not recognized by others. Even before I had heard Richard Branson’s comment below, I always had that belief that I could do or be just about anything I wanted, with some exceptions for things out my control.
 
“If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes –then learn how to do it later!” – Richard Branson
 
I felt confident that I could do anything I really set my mind to and had the desire to do. Seeing people doubt themselves, even when they had tangible proof of their abilities and accolades from others just did not make sense to me. That is until I recognized it in my own life and then delved in deeper to look at what was at the core of my own feelings. This took some introspection and a look into how we process our beliefs, old and new.
 
            As I mentioned I have always been fairly confident about my abilities, but this does not mean that I have not experienced some pretty deep-seeded areas of insecurity and a lack of confidence in some other areas of my life. When we have securities, what is at the core of those feelings? Where do they originate and how do we form our beliefs around them?  It turns out the almost all insecurities originate in one or more of 3 ways. First, insecurities can come from comparison with others and finding ourselves falling short by our own judgement or preconceived values, our own or societal. They can also come from actual judgement and rejection by others based on preconceived values of what is acceptable. Lastly, they can come from a perceived estimation of difference or imperfection based on standards we believe or have accepted to be true. In short, our insecurities come from our perceptions and lead to beliefs about those perceptions. Our long-held beliefs then become our truths about ourselves, others and the reality we see and live in.
 
            I know this sounds like a bunch of abstract words that are hard to wrap your head around, so I am going to tell you about the realization from my own life that brought “imposter syndrome” and how it works, into focus for me. Up until about age 12, I was a fairly healthy-looking active girl. At that age my already compromised gut health and metabolism, as well as, normal hormonal changes and chaos caught up to me, although it would be decades before I started to figure things out. My previously good skin turned to a pimply mess of severe acne. This was devastating for me and I tried everything the doctors told me to do to no avail. In fact, most of what they did made things worse and I suffered for many years hiding my skin under makeup and avoiding many social situations to hide the condition that to my perception made me look like a monster. I compared myself to others and found my appearance to be unacceptable and inferior and formed a whole set of beliefs around this perception. First, I believed that anyone who saw me without makeup would also find me ugly and disgusting. I believed that no one would love me because of my unacceptable appearance. I believed that I would be rejected and excluded due to my appearance. These beliefs became my truths and since my condition lasted well beyond puberty and into adulthood, it became a very strong belief about myself and a lifestyle really. It was a big part of who I thought myself to be.  

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        ​As the decades past and I worked on different areas of my health, first discovering my metabolic challenges of having low-thyroid and Hashimoto’s disease, then discovering and resolving the some of the gut and digestive issues related to that and then very slowly as skin started to respond and heal in accordance with some of those changes delving more deeply into hormonal imbalances and resolving those issues. I began to become someone new. Something pretty miraculous started to happen with all of this, some of my long held emotional feelings about myself, deep wounds, many self-inflicted, started to heal. It was when I started some pretty radical, for me, and intentional self-love though, that I really started to see some big changes. It was much to my surprise that I was noticing when I looked in the mirror that I no longer had acne. I no longer had bad skin. I no longer looked different or inferior in my perception, to other people. I now looked like a normal, reasonably healthy woman, ageing fairly well. I saw this to be true and acknowledged it. That was a life-changing experience for me.
 
            Here is the crux of it though, as it relates to “imposter syndrome” and how and why people experience it. Even though I am no longer that acne-inflicted girl struggling to hide behind make-up with low self-esteem, who couldn't seem to love and accept herself, there is a part of me that still remembers her and empathizes. I spent such a long period of time believing that I was her and seeing myself that way, that I sometimes I forget that I am not her. I frequently get compliments on my skin with people telling me that I have beautiful skin. Although, I have learned to say, “thank you”, without doing so, I am always tempted to explain how awful my skin used to be. I feel a little guilty, like maybe I don’t really deserve the compliments or perhaps, I’ll wake up tomorrow and that girl I used to be, will look at me in mirror. This is what is happening with people who suffer from “imposter syndrome’ in any area of their life. They are letting those old beliefs that no longer serve them and possibly never did, over shadow their accomplishments and the person they are today. They are choosing to live in the past, instead of the present moment and diminishing themselves in the process. The way to heal imposter syndrome and really align with your true core self and who you are today is through self-acceptance, self-love and living fully in the moment. This means challenging yourself to let go of those insecurities and be truly and fully who you are.
 
            You will probably not see me without makeup on a daily basis in public any time soon, as I have learned through many years of practice, the enhancements it can provide to one’s appearance. However, I know that I no longer need to hide behind it. I am grateful to have found the causes behind my skin issues and healed them, as well as, the emotional wounds, after so many years. I see and feel blessed to have beautiful skin and I appreciate it. Yes, like most of you, I still see the flaws, dark under-eye circles, uneven tone, lines and wrinkles, but I see the beauty too. I am sharing here a current, one-time photo of me, sans makeup, just to confirm this. As you see, there is no monster behind the makeup. Maybe there never was. Perhaps it was a matter of my beliefs. I certainly know I imagined the monster to be bigger than she actually was, as we so often do with monsters, and I held onto the belief longer than needed. It feels so good to let the monster go!  

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Holiday Expectations & Anxiety

4/8/2022

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         Most of the time we think of holidays as happy times of celebration with gatherings filled with love and merriment; usually times of togetherness and shared feelings, rituals or traditions. This is not the case for everyone though and sometimes holidays can be the hardest times for people. This might be because they are alone and don’t have family or friends nearby to share in the celebration and festivities or sometimes it is because past memories of holidays bring back unpleasant, sad, disappointing and sometimes even traumatic experiences. There can be a lot of pressure on people to make holidays look and happen a certain way and then there is always the dynamics of family relationships that can cause stress or anxiety for many people.  For others it is the memories of happy holidays past and people who are longer in our lives that can be difficult. There are actually a multitude of reasons that can make holidays hard for people and being both aware and sensitive to this is important. Being aware of your own feelings around holidays is something you can actually do for yourself. If you know that holidays, in general, or specific holidays are difficult for you, you can plan around this. You can give yourself a little extra self-care to help you through them or you can plan activities to take your mind off of whatever causes you to experience unhappiness. You can also make an effort to change those past negative memories or attitudes and make new memories and feelings by experiencing the holidays in a totally new and different way.  If anxiety during holiday situations is the problem, you can get help to get to discover what is causing it and actually feel more relaxed to finally enjoy the holidays. We can be sensitive to others who may be having difficulties at holidays by reaching out and letting them know they are being thought of with phone calls or other types of connection or we can share our holidays with them by inviting them to join in our celebrations.
 
            It may be that you don’t like holidays in general, like a friend of mine, who calls them all, “just another day”, or maybe you like some holidays and others, not so much. For me, Easter was not a holiday I ever liked much until I was an adult and had my own child. My memories of Easter were for the most part not happy ones. I am talking about Easter from a strictly celebratory viewpoint and not it’s religious or symbolic meaning. One of my first memories of Easter was being dressed up and taken to get my photo taken with this huge and very scary creature that was suppose to be the Easter Bunny.  I remember crying and trying to get away, before being forced into a photo. The expression on my face said it all, though I don’t think I can find the photo, I remember it vividly. Other memories of Easter for me include being dressed up in uncomfortable and itchy clothes and forced to attend church, which always included an argument between my parents. Easter baskets filled with candy I didn’t really like. I remember coloring eggs, which wasn’t fun at our house, because my mom didn’t want there to be any mess.  Then the eggs themselves, which I did not want to eat. I remember putting them under my bed one year and they spoiled and smelled horrific. We would often go to my aunt & uncle's house for the holiday dinner and my dad, being an alcoholic, would drink too much and the arguing on the way home was inevitable. I did like the holiday dinner, not the fessing and anxiety though, and the short tempers of adults preparing the dinner.  It always made me tense and uncomfortable. I could feel all the energy between the adults at the holiday dinners and it usually gave me a headache and upset my stomach. Being the oldest of the cousins, I was the caretaker for the younger ones, who were usually acting out and responding to all the tension and chaos, as well. Holidays and especially Easter, were not happy times of celebration for me as kid, but more a day I tried to get through as best I could and was happy when it was over and all the Easter candy and trappings were gone. 
           ​When I became an adult, I often avoided the family gatherings before I married. After I was married, I tried to either avoid them or create a second and separate holiday that was more pleasant. When I had a child of my own, I tried both to fit into the family gatherings and experience them in a different way, to create a better experience around holidays for my son. Of course, in doing this my past memories did play a big part in what I focused on and how I created memories for my son. Being an only child, family and being around extended family and grandparents was always important to my son, especially after his dad and I divorced and I was a single parent.  I tried to participate in family gatherings and have a good time to make it a happy time for my son. This was not always easy for me, but seeing my son happy did help. I embraced the traditions and tried to make them both memorable and happy, paying attention not to what was expected, but what my son enjoyed and what made him smile. There were no itchy clothes or forced trips to church or Sunday school. Although, my son did make the choice to go to church on some occasions. Yes, we did discuss the meaning of the holiday and its traditions. He did get his picture taken with the Easter bunny, who he did not seem to be the least  bit afraid of, but maybe a little amused by.  I will say the Easter egg hunts of all types were something my son loved and we kept that tradition going until he was almost 18, per his request and a few times beyond that just for sentimental reasons. In addition to the family gatherings, we always did something special for the holiday, like a nice brunch or going to a park or somewhere with beautiful views or a special event.  I am happy to say, I am sure my son has good memories about holidays, for the most part and Easter specifically! And, in the process of creating those memories for him and changing my own experiences of Easter, I created new happy memories and my feelings around Easter changed, too.
           
            Easter has turned out to be one of favorite holidays because I love getting together with my family and having a usually relaxed celebration with good food, people I love and a few traditions, as well as, a lot of good feelings. Yes, my sister does sometimes work too hard and stress over the preparations, but she does it with caring and I love her for it. This year my family is not together, my son is in Idaho and working today, my sister is at a dog show, enjoying that I hope, and I am not sure what my brother and family in Washington are up to. I miss them all and look forward to the next time we can get together. I am alone today and remembering good times together.  I am giving myself a little extra self-care, as I mentioned can be helpful. The point of what I am saying, is that even if we have bad memories or experiences that have spoiled holidays for us in the past, it is possible to change that and create new, better experiences that will become good memories to carry us forward.  It is our choice to do so. Wishing you much joy and happiness in all things, and some great holidays to come! 

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Disappointment, Heartbreak & Devastation

4/4/2022

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         These are all part of our human experience and cannot be entirely avoided or eliminated, regardless of who we are, how much we have learned or how happy and generally blessed a life we may have. Even coaches, therapists and people who spend their lives helping and teaching others experience these states on a regular and ongoing basis. Even the author of a recently released book on joy and resilience can have these feelings and times where life seems to be a bit overwhelming and hard to fathom. And, she did recently. For me, the month of March, 2022, was not one of my best. It started out with being ill. I have not entirely figured out whether I had a short-term digestive virus or there is something on-going I need to deal with, but it is better now. The first two weeks of March I was in pain and having issues on a constant basis, which led to missing a fair I had signed up for and the loss of the investment I made to participate. I was greatly disappointed in that. Then I had to deal with some home repairs and improvements that cost a lot and caused inconvenience. At the same time, I was realizing that people I had hoped would support me were not, for whatever reason, doing so. Despite knowing better, I took this quite personally. This led me to a place I would warn my clients not to go --- questioning of self, worthiness and purpose. I will tell you, despite a part of me knowing better, I contemplated giving up on my endeavors, walking away and not looking back. I was feeling quite unappreciated and very much like my efforts did not matter. I was telling myself this story, despite knowing it was wrong. I was letting the actions or inactions of others influence how I felt about myself.           
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          ​It wasn’t just what was going on with me personally though, that was affecting me. When I looked outward and saw what was happening in Ukraine, how some people were reacting or supporting Putin, what was happening in politics and the many uncaring and unkind comments people were making, it was affecting my overall feelings, as well. I realize that I was seeing all the negative as that is where my internal state was and being an empath, I was taking it all in. It was spiraling more in that direction. Yes, I know I was choosing this, but it didn’t seem so at the time. It felt like it was happening to me.
            Luckily, I have long had a few strategies in my life for those times when things get off track. One is, I pause making decisions based on these feelings. I say, “I’ll wait until, (pre-determined date) and if things don’t change then, I’ll do “xyz”. And, so far, I have found that things always do change or, at least, my perspective on them changes or becomes clearer. Next, I try to look at things from other perspectives and question myself on some of the thoughts and feelings I am having and where they are coming from. I try to be an observer of my own situation and emotions and that alone, sometimes totally changes the direction of my thinking.
                Our feelings are valid and we can’t help but feel them, right or wrong. However, how we interpret and deal with them can make all the difference. We have no control
whatsoever, over other people’s behavior or actions and yet, it sometimes affects us. If we could do everything with no expectations, it would serve us best. It is natural though to expect people to do what we would do and treat us as we do or would treat them. This does not always happen though and it is beyond our control to do anything about it or even to understand it. How can we get past our feelings of disappointment, distrust, or even, betrayal? It is not easy, because we can not change or influence what they do or the affect it has on us. Sometimes we may find that we are over-amplifying the impact their actions have on us or diminishing our own power and sometimes maybe, we have valued them more than we should have. We are looking for support from people who can’t or won’t support us for reasons of their own. We want from them more than they are capable of giving. We think that others are capable of what we are capable of, and this is not always true. Especially when we are dealing with emotions and intangibles. It is hard to know what someone else is capable of or the reasoning behind this. Another thing that can help is actually naming and defining what you are feeling. Is it sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, a deep wound, betrayal, distrust or complete devastation? If you can name and quantify both the nature and degree of pain you are experiencing, it is easier both to deal with objectively and see what you need to do to overcome it. In my case, it began with disappointment and escalated to a small bit of heartbreak. Knowing that I had overcome and bounced back from much greater levels of pain was helpful in putting things in perspective.
 
            How did I get through my bad month and spiraling feelings. I had to go inside and spend some quality time nurturing and loving myself. I saw very few clients. I worked only when I wanted to. This was somewhat forced by the two weeks of construction at the beginning of the month. I worked on getting my outside patio space in order. I am still putting together furniture, but have what I need to create a space. I watched more TV than I did over the entire pandemic. I binged the whole Outlander series and watched a few movies, as well. I read 3 books. I went out to dinner more than usual and slept in a lot, after those first two weeks. I wrote some letters and made some plans. I listened to a lot of music and didn’t do any of the things I knew I should, unless I absolutely felt like it. Coming out of March, I feel much better and no, I am not going to stop doing what I love or quit. I know what I am doing is of value and I know I am appreciated by many, if not always by those I’d like, expect or in the ways I’d like or expect. I am grateful and know that I am blessed in so many ways. I think I will spend April counting those blessings and expressing more gratitude! When I put everything in perspective, I have to feel blessed that I am only dealing with small disappointments and upsets, not the devastation that some are currently facing. That does not mean my feelings are not valid or that I shouldn’t feel them, just that perhaps I am fortunate in spite of them.
            I am still processing much of the feelings I experienced over this past month and why they hit me as they did. There may be a message there I still need to uncover. I know it will lead to learning I can use to help others going through the periodic crisis that interrupts us while living otherwise very good lives. I have chosen to share this personal story because clients often see others as having blissful lives, untouched by moments of doubt or negativity and that is just not the case. We are all traveling down the same bumpy and unpredictable roads with lessons to learn large and small.
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    Blog By Kate Olson

         Kate is a Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner & Trainer, Reiki Master, Energy Healer, Life Coach and more. To find out more about her or her work, click the links below:​   
    Get Kate's Book & Journal!
    Living in Joyful Resilience: A Roadmap for Navigating Life's Ups & Downs & Simple Soul Thoughts : Collecting Moments of Joy
    www.joyfulkate.com 
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    About Kate
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    About the Blog

     After 4 years of featuring at least 1 guest Author a month this blog changed in 2020. I loved featuring the posts of other great people who also believe in mind, body, spirit wellness. I will continue to feature articles submitted to me on this topic that align with my own mission. However, finding &  reaching out to others is time consuming and I do it for my radio show, Soul Talks and other groups and projects and so for this blog i will be ramping up my own posts and perspective. posting mostly my own blogs. I will be happy & excited to post articles from those who submit them to me.  
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    ​ 
       I post on a regular basis advocating for mind, body, spirit wellness and pursuing your passions to live your optimal life. I hope you enjoy the information & interesting perspectives provided.  May you be blessed with curiosity, joy & the opportunity for life-long learning & growth! 
         Cheers!
    ​     
    Kate 

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