Clearing Away Hidden Emotional Clutter

​        I recently stumbled on some “emotional clutter” or unresolved trauma from my past that I did not even realize I had been dragging around with me since childhood. It is funny how that happens when you least expect it. It made me wonder how many other people are carrying around similar baggage and unaware of it, as well as, how it might be holding them back and preventing them from being their best self or achieving their dreams and goals. All parents make mistakes and say things that are interpreted in ways they don’t intend. This cannot really be avoided!  As a consequence, children sometimes carry forward feelings that they have not dealt with and maybe don’t realize are still there, right below the surface. These unresolved feelings can be affecting how they interact with the world and make decisions and choices about life.
         When I was a kid my Dad said, “If you keep asking, you will never get it!” with reference to my sister and I continually asking for things we wanted for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I know that he said this because he could not give us everything we wished for and did not want us to be disappointed and not because he either did not want us to have what we wished for or that he thought that was how we should operate in the world. However, being like most kids, I took it quite literally and wanting to be a “good girl”, I tried my best to please and not ask for the things I wanted. I still, of course, hoped by some unknown magic, that I would get the things I wanted. I was consistently disappointed and did not get what I wanted most of the time as far gifts for Christmas & birthdays went or just generally day to day. I kept quite mum about what that might be. As time passed, I think I developed a fear that if I did say what I wanted and didn’t get it that the disappointment would be amplified. This did not apply only to things, but to goals and aspirations, too, and even to those emotional needs and wants we all have. I did achieve many of my goals and aspirations, but I did not get much support in attaining them, since I never told anyone what they were.
         In the course of accomplishing things and achieving some of my goals some of those feelings did dissipate, but the feelings, I think, remained there and doubt was always ready to manifest itself, especially for my most precious and deeply held desires. They remained deep secrets that I never wanted to share with anyone. It even became denial, in some cases, that I had needs and wants that had not yet been met. The fear of disappointment loomed large and I think it became easiest to ignore or pretend I did not want or need anything.

          However, we all do have ongoing wants and needs and an important part of getting what we want is being aware, acknowledging and then focusing on getting or achieving those wants and desires. That most certainly includes being direct and assertive and asking for what we want, whether it is our next job, a relationship, a raise, a loan or just for someone to pass the gravy. If we don’t ask the chances of getting what we want are highly diminished and disappointment is guaranteed.
         Coming to the realization that I was still running that old script in important areas of my life, even though, as a coach, I should certainly know better and the fact that I tell my clients on a regular basis to let that stuff go. It was a wake-up call in a couple of important ways. First it brought to light how we can have those old limiting beliefs hiding in the corners of our consciousness and be unaware of their existence and how they are holding us back. Second, it amplified the importance of doing a regular inventory or check-in of our operating system or the beliefs and ideas that fuel how we deal with and function in the world.  With this new awareness I have committed to doing a lot more acknowledging what my wants and needs are and asking for what I truly want and need both from myself and others. Let’s see how that works out over the next several months. I am betting I’ll be getting more of those things I truly desire.  And, I think I am totally ready for that!