​        I know that a little trauma, drama and chaos occasionally visits all of our lives. And, when it does, we must learn to deal with it and then let it go. We certainly don’t want it hanging around for very long and sucking all the joy and peace out of our lives or getting in the way of our plans and stifling our success. Have you ever met people though, who tend to live in that state consistently and bring it with them wherever they go, naturally sharing it with everyone they come into contact with? One sure sign, if you don’t recognize it right away, that you are dealing with one of these people, is that they simply exhaust you and you feel like a tornado has ripped through your life. These are usually not bad or evil people and for the most part they don’t mean to or have the intention of sowing disruption in your life and a lot of times they feel like a victim of life themselves. They usually think that others should be understanding of all they must endure and have empathy and compassion for their circumstances. If you yourself are going through difficult times, they will surely one up you and try to maintain their ultimate victim status. They rarely realize or feel responsible for the chaos they are bringing to life. Simply as a result of your interaction with or attempt to collaborate or cooperate with them, you too get to experience the trauma, drama and chaos that they bring. Doing so, if you accept that daunting challenge, usually entails a lot of adjustment, tolerance, alteration and flexibility on your part. It is clear that you, your time, your plans or what you are trying to accomplish are secondary and you eventually realize that you are allowing yourself to be disrespected and bombarded by their whirlwind of chaos. Although you can ask for some respect and consideration from these people by establishing boundaries and drawing that line in the sand, it does not usually work.   

​       How do you deal with people like this and the way they affect you and your life? While there are many things you can try, depending on the relationship, the only real way to get way from the constant trauma, drama and chaos is to walk way and not allow these people space in your life. This is sometimes hard, especially if they are close friends or even family members. And, if you are like me and you seek to see the good in others or you’re an empath and you feel their feelings, it is especially difficult. On one hand you want to understand and you do feel their pain. You know there is good there, you see it and you even feel it, but keeping them in your life means also keeping the trauma, drama and chaos they have adopted as part of their lifestyle. You really have to ask yourself how important your peace of mind, your self-respect, your self-worth and your life itself is to you? Maybe it’s okay if this person occasionally transits through your life and wreaks havoc? You can take it, right? The answer is - No! If you allow this in your life, it diminishes your energy and your self-esteem and chips away at your confidence, trust and self-worth. I guarantee you that if you allow these people to do this occasionally, it will build into more and you will also attract more of these people and the energy they carry with them into your life. It is just the nature of the Universe that we attract more of what we allow, more of what we focus on and more of that energy that surrounds us.
        How do you make the break then and set the boundaries to protect your own energy and life to keep yourself on a more positive and purposeful trajectory? It is a matter of respecting yourself, first and foremost and loving yourself enough to say, “this is not what I want my life to be!” and then having the courage and conviction to walk away from them. You need to make it clear that you will only allow people in your life if they respect you and don’t drag trauma, drama or chaos with them into your life. It is their choice and it is not your obligation to accept and deal with their messy and chaotic choices. They do not have the right to impose it on you simply because they have chosen to deal badly with their life and not learn from past circumstances. If you do choose to allow it though, it’s on you – you have chosen to join the trauma, drama and chaos club and well, you pretty much deserve what you get. Make a different choice, get a different outcome! If you truly see value in this person, tell them how you feel and be ready to walk away. The best that can come of it is they may choose to change at least in their relationship with you and who knows where that may lead. Perhaps you both have won a better outcome and possibly a better relationship. If not, you get to keep your self-respect and peace of mind and leave the trauma, drama & chaos to them.  

​        Is it possible to remain joyful and experience happiness, even in the worst of times?  When things are really bad, when you are in the throes of true disaster and adversity, experiencing illness, loss, grief and/or seriously concerned about very real survival needs, is it still possible to be joyful and feel generally happy, most of the time? If it is possible, is this a desirable state or are we just ignoring the stark reality confronting us? It is not only possible, but it is how you get through bad times in the most resilient, healthy way and avoid damaging side effects to your physical and emotional long-term health. It is also how you stay sane, maintain the best mindset and stay resourceful for solving issues or finding answers for any problems that may arise.  This has been demonstrated to us by many who have experienced extreme adversity and yet maintained a joyful attitude through their circumstances. They would have described themselves as generally happy, even when also experiencing and feeling great suffering.  Such examples are many holocaust survivors and people like Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi and many, many more. These are people who have gone through things most of us cannot imagine surviving and have done so maintaining a resilient joyfulness and great hopefulness.
       We are told it is not good to avoid our feelings and that we must experience them.  When something really devastating is happening or has happened, how can we be anything but sad, unhappy and dwell in those feelings? That is really it, we can experience more than one feeling in a very short sequence of time.  In a given moment we are experiencing a particular feeling and acknowledging it and we need to do that, but from moment to moment our feelings and what we are allowing ourselves to experience can change. And, it is okay to experience the full and changing range of our emotions and that is the healthiest way to deal with them. You can be deeply sad and truly feel a loss and still a short time later experience a moment of joy when your pet or your partner snuggles up to you. You can be feeling very lonely in one moment and then feel joy when a funny movie or something in real life makes you laugh.  It is when you try to dwell in a single emotion and not experience the full range of your emotions that you become stuck in unhappiness and rob yourself of the joy that is still there for you in the natural process of living.  

nethe      The times we are living in now are truly serious and devastating. They are very uncertain, with the only certainty being that Covid-19 is impacting us in ways that will forever change our lives. Many people are dying, there is real danger to our health and there are many challenges that effect our emotional and financial well-being. There are definitely concerns bombarding us from every direction. Many people were already seriously worried about our political division and the circumstances our country has recently experienced. At the same time there are the usual adversities of life happening.  A friend is dying of brain cancer and we can’t even go see him because of this virus. There are people who are homeless and hungry and I saw a terrible accident yesterday and could only wonder what dealing with that would be like for those involved.  Still, I really enjoyed the beautiful weather we are having here in the Northwest and a social-distancing walk I took along Lake Washington.  I felt a sense of peace and joy, as I always do, being outdoors and watching a beautiful sunset over the water.  I try to do a couple things every day that bring me joy. I start my day listening to music always and that lifts my spirits and starts my day on a positive note. I treated myself to a very decadent chocolate desert and a glass of wine yesterday and watched a romantic comedy.  It was totally silly and I laughed and loved it.  I savored those feelings and it is okay, even though it still breaks my heart that a good person I care about is dying and I can’t say good bye in person and give him one last hug. Yes, I feel that sadness deeply, but I can also feel gratitude, appreciation and joy.  I catch myself worrying about something from time to time and I try to switch it up quickly after asking myself if there is anything that I can do about it right now. I try to stay in the moment, care for myself as well as I would take care of anyone else that I love. I try to be intentional in what I do.  I stay connected to my family, friends and those who add positivity and light to my life.
         You know what, I smile often, I see a lot of good in the world still and a lot to be grateful for, even now. I have to say I feel joyful and happy most of the time through these difficult days and for that I am truly and abundantly grateful! Life is good and the best is still yet to come! I  am hopeful for the good I’d like to see come out of this pause in everyday life.  I saw a meme posted and I may not have it exactly right, but the just of it was--
 
 “It’s like Mother Nature sent us all to our rooms to think about what we have done!” -- Unknown
 
      It is my greatest hope that great awareness, awakening, learning and action will come of this. I am imagining that and holding a space for it in my heart and soul! 

​        I always knew I was as capable and could do anything I wanted to do, just as well or better than anyone else, even a boy!  Yes, I know there are differences that make doing some things easier for one gender or the other, but I always thought and believed that there are many ways to do just about anything and you use your own strengths. I was born at a time when roles for women were pretty well-defined and my parents were pretty conventional in their beliefs, although not really in a practical sense. Both parents worked most of my childhood. They worked opposite shifts at times and both parents were very capable of cleaning, cooking and childcare. My Mom definitely had strong opinions and expressed them and my Dad was not dominating and did listen to her. However, I think they both had residual ideas about roles from their own upbringing. My Mom was definitely happier when I got married than when I graduated from college and Dad seemed to think it was my husband’s job to take care of me, rather than a partnership.  Mostly though, they supported my belief that I could do anything any boy could do.
         My first friends were boys and I constantly challenged this belief and found it to be true. In small ways, of course, but I never found anything that a girl was not capable of doing, none that mattered anyway. I remember actually liking “boy activities” better than conventional “girl activities” of the time, because they were more fun and adventurous.  I was a “tom boy” and was told a few times, not by my parents, to act more like a girl.  I remember racing a boy in my class home from school in sixth grade because I was a pretty fast runner and knew I could beat him.  Also, he said I couldn’t and well, it was on!  I won, of course, every time!  I was surprised and a bit offended when his older sister drew me aside and said, “You know, Steve (name changed to protect the guilty) might like you, if you acted more like a girl!  Boys don’t like girls to beat them!” Well, my objective had not been to have the boy like or not like me, but simply to win a race and prove that I could run faster.  Girls don’t like boys to beat them either!  That idea that in order to have boys like us, we are suppose to let them feel superior to us, in any and every way, is at the core of the gender bias we are still dealing with. That was a memorable instance.  It surprises me after having encountered bias so many times, so many ways, over a lot of years, that it still holds space in my mind.  I think the fact that another girl was calling me out and saying something like that was especially offensive. 

​        We have been denied, harassed, bullied and discriminated against and we have been patient, understanding and way too accepting of this atrocity for way too long. Do you think that is too strong a word? Or, maybe that we have made progress and I’m making too big a deal of it?  If so, check your bias! There is no other marginalized group that would stand for so much, for so long. Yes, some other groups have been and still are confronted by unreasonable bias. None for as long as it has gone on for women! That is a plain and simple fact and we are the only group that has so much bias represented within its own ranks.  Let that sink in!
         I usually post blogs related to mind, body, spirit wellness and I was told recently when making a political post that it was in conflict with the good stuff I post. I was calling out the actions of a certain male leader and “somehow” I should be nice and not do that because a lot of people disagree and that diminishes my other “good posts”.  While I know this is true, I also know it is part of the whole sit back and be quiet or don’t be confrontational role that gender bias has conferred on women.  I really object!  Men (I am speaking in a general sense) not only don’t like it when women beat them, but they don’t like it when women prove them wrong or confront their assertions and thinking. Of course, no one likes to lose, be wrong or have their thinking shown to be faulty. That is our nature and our ego rearing its self-protective head!  However, why is it more objectional when it is a woman? This is at the core of gender inequity and what has to be dealt with in our thinking and feelings, both men and women, before we can achieve and function in a world with equality for all.  The time is now!

       I could write pages on the things that have happened to me personally that call out discrimination, inequity, harassment and bias --- ranging from just silly to things that were downright criminal. At a job interview, not as a housekeeper, I was once asked if I liked house cleaning and I was stalked by someone who felt they had the right to intrude on my life in that way. A boss threatened to throw me down the stairs for being too polite, as that shows weakness! I won’t go through the whole list, but you get the picture. Though the circumstances will vary, I am guessing most women have a long list of instances they could talk about.  Most men are aware of it too, even if they are not offenders themselves.  I have seen things change in some ways, way too slowly, but there has been change and then we see it again and it sometimes seems as if nothing a has changed at all.
        The past few years have seemed to signal change with an “Almost Woman President”, the “Me Too” Movement, women elected to more public offices than ever before and then the multiple women running for the Presidency in 2020.  It has been a roller coaster ride of hope and disappointment with the old ideas and old ways hanging on, in spite of the bright moments of awareness focused on this issue.  So many women had the hope of a woman President and breaking that glass ceiling and pattern of patriarchal domination. Not only were we hopeful for the progress it would make on gender issues, but because we had women who were so qualified, capable, deserving and would truly upgrade the quality of leadership for our country and make real changes so dearly needed. It was disappointing to see those gender biases spoken and demonstrated once again on our national stage and even some coming from women. 

     Don’t get me wrong I don’t think any woman should support or vote for a woman, just because she is a woman. I think we should vote for the most capable, qualified person with the best ideas, plans, integrity and qualifications that will do what is needed for our country and its people. If that is a woman, there is no reason to wonder if they are electable, likeable, strong enough to lead or should be taken seriously. It truly did break my heart to hear these arguments voiced by pundits on national TV and see them posted on social media. How can we still be there? My patience is running out and so is and patience of millions of American girls and women. Our nation is falling behind because of these “old and useless” ideas that are being perpetuated by fear and ignorance, as well as, an overabundance of ego and a lack of respect.  Gender equality would be beneficial to both men and women.  We have many examples around the world and yet, we cling stubbornly to the “old ways”.  Historically this has never worked and it won’t now!
      Yes, as Elizabeth Warren said, “It will happen! We just have to wait a little longer!” I am guessing we have probably missed out on that first President being Elizabeth, and that is a shame because I believe she would be an extraordinary and inspirational President. However, perhaps it will be a woman she has motivated by running for President because, “that’s what girls do!” In today’s world we need contributions from smart, capable people who are willing to get involved and give their all, and we need the best to lead. Gender should not be an obstacle or qualification. What is there to fear in smart, capable women? Equality does not take anything away from smart, capable men, we need them just as much. It only makes us stronger. One of my heroes is a young Muslim woman who said:
 
“Extremists have shown what frightens them the most …, A Girl with A Book!” – Malala Yousafzai
 
      When will we stop fearing girls with books or a woman with a plan? When will little girls stop being told to act more like a girl, be lady-like, let the boys win, don’t make waves, be sweet and little boys stop being told not to cry, tough it out, man up or boys will be boys? Is that why we let the President get away with corruption and other atrocities and the Senate Majority Leaderl fail to do his job according to his oath of office –because “boys will be boys”?
        I do have hope and know that things will change! I am just weary and can’t wait to see a world where things are different and everyone has the opportunity to fulfill their full potential and make this a better, kinder world for us all. To all the great men who support that vision I want to say “Thank you”!

       What we say is important, but how we say it can sometimes be even more impactful. Putting that little twist of attitude into the conversation can make all the difference in how and what we are communicating. Humor and cleverness work their way into our communications and make a strong impression. Sarcasm and wit are two of the ways that we inject attitude into our communications and it has occurred to me that it is useful and possibly important, to be aware of how their usage is affecting the conversation.
 
         First, what exactly are sarcasm and wit and how are they different?
 
           Sarcasm – a) a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain b) a mode if satirical wit    depending for its effect on bitter, caustic and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.(Merriam Webster)
 
        Wit– a) /clever or apt humor b) astuteness of perception or judgement c) a talent for banner or persiflage. (Merriam Webster)
 
       There is a range of both sarcasm and wit that can run from fairly light and fun to very dark and negative or even biting. They are both usually associated with humor, but are very different in their impact. Using them in our communication sets a tone in both how others perceive us and our own mental attitude and how we see others and the world around us. Both can make us laugh, but the feelings behind that laughter and the emotions both engender within us and those we are speaking to are quite different.
We don’t always realize either that difference or how impactful they can be. Becoming more aware is helpful both in communicating more genuinely and keeping our own attitude and energy on a more positive level.
       Generally speaking, sarcasm tends to be negative with the intention to wound and can be directed or undirected. Wit is conveyed more in an observational way and is usually not directed toward a target or meant to wound. When we use sarcasm on a regular basis, it has a tendency to make our own attitude toward others and ourselves more negative or critical. So, while we are striking out and wounding others, we are also chipping away at our own self-esteem. There is usually anger behind sarcasm.
       Wit is a higher-level expression that does not hold the caustic association that sarcasm does. When I started my life coaching business, I became more aware of the difference between these two different uses of language, tone and humor. I noticed how they were used in social media posts and in general conversation and how they seemed to affect not only the conversation, but people’s mood, demeanor and responses. Doing so led to an intentional effort to use less sarcasm and try to lean more toward wit. One thing that I noticed in doing this was less misunderstanding. I paid attention to how I felt about sarcasm and wit when they were directed toward me and when they were directed at someone else and I just heard them differently. There was definitely a difference and it was decidedly funnier when not directed at me. I noticed that a lot of bullying used statements that were sarcastic in nature. Most of us don’t see it that way, but it can feel that way to the person it is targeted toward.
        Why is this important? The more aware we are of how our language affects us and those we communicate with, the more authentically we will be able to communicate and the more genuinely we can express ourselves. I am not saying we should or shouldn’t be sarcastic or witty in our communication. I am saying we should be intentional and know what and how we are communicating and expressing when we use them. Try paying attention and see what you think?  Sometimes funny is not as funny as we think it is! 

      What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is commonly defined as the release of feelings of hurt, resentment or revenge in an intentional and deliberate way. It does not have anything to do with whether the person being forgiven deserves forgiveness. It does not mean forgetting, excusing or condoning the offender and it does not mean that you have to reconcile or allow them in your life. It is an act of releasing debilitating feelings and regaining your power and your peace.
       Anger, resentment, malice, blame and grudges are all legitimate emotions we experience in a world that is often unfair, cruel and intolerant.  Things happen in our lives that make an enduring impact. People treat us in ways that are hurtful, unkind and undeserved. Feeling responsive emotions is natural and needed, however dwelling in those feelings and carrying them forward with us is a heavy burden to bear. It is unnecessary and will drag us down. It can be hard to let go of these emotions though, especially when there has been no vindication or validation of our feelings and no act of repentance or remorse from the offenders. It is a heavy burden that can affect us long-term in many different ways. it blocks us from feelings of joy, can impact our health and actually changes our brain.  Additionally, we sometimes hold some of these feeling with regard to our own actions and past mistakes.  This does as much good as banging your head against a wall, except that in the case of banging our head against a wall, we usually would stop when it hurts enough.  That is more often than not, not the case with holding on to toxic and self-sabotaging emotions. 

​        How can we let go and free ourselves from this burden of toxic and negative emotions and why should we when something really terrible has been done to us?  The "why" is quite simple - because we deserve it! We deserve to let go and put down the burden of past injury and move freely forward. We can do this with forgiveness.  When I talk of forgiveness, I am referring to the letting go of the feelings that are weighing us down and that has little or nothing to do with the offenders who have caused us injury. Feeling compassion, though and just being able to let feeling go is amazingly freeing.  It does not absolve the wrong or the wrong-doer. but allows us to move on to the present time and release the past.  Forgiving yourself is sometimes the most difficult form of letting go.  We can walk away from other people and situations and not be reminded of the past more easily. That is hard to do when the forgiveness and letting go is with ourselves.  If you remember that you are constantly evolving and the person you are today, is not the person you were in the past, it can be easier.  You are letting go of the person you were yesterday to embrace the new and better person you have become. We are different in every moment.  If we have learned from a mistake, it has served us and we can let it go.  Holding on to it serves no purpose.  A man who has a lot of pain due to nephropathy, told me when I asked him why he did not take an aspirin or use other types of pain relief to help him be more comfortable, answered saying -- he felt like he might deserve it.  I know many people have feelings like this that are very hard to let go of. They have become part of their comfort zone and are as much a habit, as anything else.  Still if they can let go of those old feelings, wherever it may have come from, and just be in the present moment, they will free themselves from what does not serve them and move into a better and more resourceful state. 

​        How do you go about forgiving, whether forgiving others or yourself? Where do you start and how do you go about it?  These 8 steps can give you a helpful guide to the process:

1. Awareness and Understanding of your feelings. Why you felt hurt or offended
2. Acknowledging responsibility for any part you may have played in the situation
3. Stepping into the present and leaving remnants of the past behind.
4. Learn from the experience and carry that learning forward.
5. Be objective and non-judgement about the situation
6. Letting go of the feelings with deliberate intention.
7. Choosing to focus on positive thoughts and feelings
8. Being compassionate and wishing the others well in their future.

 
Feeling free of the heavy burden of anger, resentment and grudges is truly worth the effort and release it takes to forgive. It may seem difficult, but peace feels heavenly. I wish you peace!

    Kate Olson, CHt, CPC, founder of Soul Fire Wisdom Life Coaching, Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP, Total Wellness Products. www.soulfirewisdom.com , www.embracechangehypnosis.com , 206-566-1615

​About the Author:
      Consumers Advocate. org is an editorial review company that dedicates their work to vetting hundreds of products and services, and often times the categories they cover are purchases that are important, complex or difficult to research. Their mission is to hope the brands and experiences you choose will improve your life today, tomorrow, and for the future." 

      ​Essential oils seem to be all the rage recently with DIY projects, gift giving and meditation sessions. However, do we have all the information on these adorable potion bottles? For those who are wondering what essential oils are, they are plant and flower extracts that are very concentrated. These are often used for aromatherapy and meditation, as well as, yoga and other practices. However essential oils can be used for DIY safe cleaning products and projects like candle making or even used for beauty, skin care and hair hydration products.
        For essential oils, there are many things you can do in the DYI area, when it comes to beauty and self-care. If you want to mix them into a new beauty or hair product or routine, you must first use a carrier oil with it. Carrier oils are base or vegetable oils that are used to dilute the essential oil of your choosing. It may be olive oil, coconut oil, argon oil (all of which are perfect on their own for your hair or skin). You should mix the essential oil with a larger quantity of the neutral carrier oil in a few droplets. Therefore, by putting the pure essential oil directly on your skin, you avoid any irritation or damage you might, otherwise, experience.
       One of the things you can do with essential oils are recipes to improve your hair health. Our hair is so delicate that it is weakened by chemicals and heat and becomes brittle. It can take a long time for it to recover its capacity and become strong again. Sometimes having a DIY hair mask once in a while, when you take a relaxing bath will do the trick safely and speed up the process. Each oil type has its own characteristics and properties that can add different benefits. Geranium oil is one type of oil that can really help for breakage. And it's not just good for your hair, it smells amazing!
        One essential oil scent in particular is great to make hair shiny and healthy. It helps people with dandruff keep their scalp clean! This oil is the amazing, calming scent of lavender oil. It also has a relaxing effect and properties that are most commonly found in nighttime sleep products. Jojoba oil is perfect to moisturize and repair hair that has been damaged. Once you have mixed the carrier and essential oils, as part of your bedtime routine, you can apply it to your hair as a moisturizing mask.
       If you want to DIY a nice hair mask a combination of olive oil, honey and jojoba oil would be great to make hair look lighter and smoother. The bonus is that it is completely safe!  If you feel like you don’t have all the information to dive into the world of essential oils, including which brands are best, the best advice is educating yourself on the matter! There are resources for that. If you want to know more about the various properties of essential oils, check out this guide that might be very helpful in learning more about the subject and finding the best essential oils.  ​www.https://www.consumersadvocate.org/essential-oils  

      About the Author:  Anne Logue now resides in Pennsylvania. Anne has studied the healing arts extensively. She is a Reiki Master, trained in Quantum Touch, certified Hypnotherapist, certified in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Healing Touch, a form of energy healing that was founded by a Colorado native, Janet Mentegen.  Anne’s ties to Colorado through Healing Touch keep her connected to the community, experimenting and developing new ways of creating change and new approaches to some of life’s curve balls.  Her practice is in her home in Pennsylvania and she has done workshops and healing fairs there.
     Anne’s father died when she was a freshman in college. One of the ways she dealt with this was through poetry, writing and art. She wrote a story about the sun, which was her way of figuring out who she was and what she was meant to do. The Story of the Sun was illustrated by Anne and is her view of life as a 20-year-old. That view still holds meaning for her and has become a way of connecting with children and helping them learn who they are and what they were meant to do.  It integrates her interest and love of the healing arts with her artistic side, bringing a refreshing look at life to the readers. The Story of the Sun was published in 2017 and is Anne’s first book.
       In addition to her advanced certification in Healing Touch, Anne has done extensive reading and reflection, including research on quantum physics and the holographic universe. She has done workshops and research in the Akashic Records, which are the virtual records that contain all of the information about us in our various incarnations and is a resource for incredible insight and healing. Bringing all of this information into resonance and integrating it with her personal experience has created a new way of experiencing reality. Her focus now is bringing that awareness and understanding to children. She has just finished a publicity campaign to reach audiences that may benefit. Her book has been translated into French and will soon be translated into Spanish. She has written another children’s book, which will be published in the near future.

​        I follow an on-line program called “The DailyOM” with Madisyn Taylor.  She recently featured Edward Vilga, a financial specialist.  The dialogue he started with Madisyn talked about detox.  He said “Detoxing is a bold decision, but once you make it, you stand at a place where you can determine and create the future you desire.” This opened up a whole dialogue in my head about “detoxing”.  Detoxing is not just giving up “junk food”.  Detoxing means to me, facing the bad habits, negative patterns and beliefs that no longer work for me, around relationships, money, habits, everything.
       Sometimes we lose clarity about our lives and when our lives are in high gear, they can become cluttered and not intentional in the actions and habits we pursue.  We keep doing the same thing because to re-design our lives takes some thought and work. The pay-out is a re-structured lifestyle that helps us live the life we want, instead of creating blocks and challenges. When we want to “detox” from patterns or habits that have not been good for us, we have to look them squarely in the eye and realize all the components that they encompass.
        One of my most significant lessons came from reading the book by Anita Moorjani, called “Dying to be Me”.  Anita had cancer which resulted in large tumors throughout her body and she was brought to the hospital at a critical time. She had a “near death” experience and from that experience she learned that as we cross-over, we no longer have our identity or the limits or filters of our identity.  We are no longer male or female, no longer a race, no longer from a certain country, don’t have a particular religion, so all of the blocks associated with these descriptions of ourselves are gone and we see ourselves in an undiluted manner filled with unconditional love.
       So, if you have cancer and you are treated for cancer, is it the drugs that cure you, or the belief that they will heal you that does the work?  Love is really the only effective treatment for any of our human woes and it is delivered to us through the belief system that we can most readily accept. Anita was taken to the hospital on February 2, 2006, by February 3, 2006, she knew she was free of cancer. Her doctors told her husband, “We have a problem, we can’t find the cancer.” Her husband said, “Why is that a problem?”  and the doctors said, “Well, we don’t know how to treat it.”  It took until February 27, 2006 before the hospital staff acknowledged that she had no cancer in her body and she was permitted to go home.

​      Whether we know it or not, we are all creatures of habit and emotional beings and our learning systems are hard wired to connect with our emotions. This system is on such an integral level that we are barely aware of it, and we seldom acknowledge it.  When we are trying to make a change in our lives, to adopt a new “system” or eliminate a faulty or destructive pattern, we need to approach it from an emotional standpoint.  Love is the greatest motivator. If we love ice cream and associate it with happy and positive memories, when we choose to eliminate ice cream from our diets, we need to find a positive substitute. I remember when my daughter was trying to quit smoking and she called me so desperate because she had so many associations with smoking.  I said “Well, why don’t you just go for a walk?”  And she said, “You don’t understand, everything I do, I used to have a cigarette.” We have to unlearn and relearn our habits in order to change. Yes, it was a habit, but it was connected with positive emotional experiences.
       Try listening to what you are saying to yourself each day and then determine if this conversation is someone who loves you and wishes you only good. If these are not your thoughts about yourself, you can correct them. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, who will?
       As Marie Forleo says in her book “Everything is Figureoutable”, people are not failures.  A failure is a short-sighed version of a longer story. If you deem an event or a circumstance, a person, really anything as a failure, it’s because you haven’t seen what happens after that event that redeems the whole situation. Look for those outcomes, figure out how this, event, person, situation can benefit you if you look at it from a new perspective.  Maybe the “failure” was meant to do just that. Change the paradigm.
For many years, a lot of human behavior was deemed “unacceptable” by society and so the term “in the closet” was coined.  We also all know the term “skeletons in the closet”.  What does “being in the closet” actually mean except pushing down all the feelings of shame, anger, worthlessness, depression, prejudice, fear and similar emotions until they are so well buried that they have altered our lives.  Once they are acknowledged and someone comes “out of the closet” what happens but a turbulent cascade of feelings, releasing all of the self-doubt about who they were.  Once they have the courage to be recognized for who they are, they can claim so much more and live a life being true to themselves. During the time they denied their feelings, were they worthless?  No, they still could live in a manner to help others, but they were not able to enjoy the freedom and joy of knowing who they truly are. 
        If everything is “Figureoutable” and we can re-program our thinking, lets look for the way to “detox” our thinking and eliminate the stuck habits and beliefs that create stagnant and blocked emotions. Be your own best friend and listen to the positive things you say and think about yourself!! 

​About the Author: Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, at Soul Fire Wisdom Life Coaching  & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP .  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace.  Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has two other wellness-related businesses, Total Wellness Products, offering  healing resources and products and Circle of Love Retreats.  All four businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, author and radio host.  Her new radio show/ podcast starting in September is "Soul Fire Wisdom".  Formerly she hosted "Embrace Change with Kate".

        Most people would agree that our feelings have a powerful impact in our lives. Feelings make us aware that we are alive and without them we don’t really function well. What are feelings and how do they function in our mind and body? How do we deal with them and why is it important? The answers to these questions give us perspective on how feelings relate to our health and wellness.
       As an empath, I have been sensitive to and aware of feelings (in an energy sense), my own and others. It has always been apparent to me that feelings impact our health. As a child, I could tell that my Mother’s anger was not good for her and I could see the effects on my Dad when his blood pressure went up. I knew it made me feel sick when I worried too much. That did not necessarily make me stop worrying, but I was aware of the physical effects and knew they were not good for me.
       In my studies as a Hypnotherapist, NLP & Reiki practitioner, as well as, my study into Neuroscience and Energy Psychology, I have found support for my intuitive suspicions. I have gotten some answers as to how things work and I am convinced that the way we deal with our emotions is a key predictor of our well-being.
 
The dictionary gives three definitions for feelings:
 
          (1) feelings are basic physical sensations, such as touch, temperature, etc.
         (2) feelings are emotional states or reactions
         (3) a belief, such as suspicion, apprehension. (Merriam-Webster)
 
       Are feelings the same as emotions? Though related, emotions and feelings, are two sides of the same coin. Emotions are lower-level responses coming from the sub-cortical regions of the brain, dealing with conscious thought, reasoning and decision-making. They create biochemical and electrical reactions in the body and alter its physical state. Feelings on the other hand, originate in the neo-cortical regions of the brain. Feelings are initiated by emotions, but filtered by personal experience, beliefs, memories, and thoughts linked to our emotions. Feelings are the result of our brain’s perception initiating from emotions.
      Interestingly, the relationship between emotions and feelings works in reverse, as well. Initially, an emotion leads to a feeling. A feeling can also initiate an emotion. If you encounter a snake and experience fear, in the future, just thinking about a snake can result in activating that basic emotional response with all the same chemical reactions in the body. Nature intended that we experience emotions and they are instinctual. They can affect health if we are constantly exposed to circumstances that evoke negative or stressful emotions. The release of cortisol into our system and the impact on our adrenals, heart and blood pressure creates tremendous impact. Our nervous system and body were not meant to be in a constant state of fear and stress. Early humans, who were in constant fear, with few resources for protection and survival, did not live very long lives.
      There are fewer real dangers in our lives today, but unfortunately, many more imagined dangers or worries created over possible negative circumstances that will likely never occur. Anxiety and stress are prevalent in our world and they take a big toll.
“Chronic Stress is linked to the six leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide. And more than 75 percent of all physician office visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints.”
(The American Psychological Association, March 21, 2014)

​      Stress and anxiety result from feelings, the thoughts or meanings we attribute to our emotions around something in the past or future. Most of those feelings and harmful chemical reactions in our bodies are not related to what is actually happening now. We are making a choice to imagine something that may or may not ever happen. We are choosing to actually experience the negative trauma from an imagined occurrence. This causes needless illness, disease and dysfunction in our bodies and can lead to early death.
       Our feelings are intricately related to our health. The medical community is beginning to realize this and place more importance on treating patients in a holistic way, taking into consideration, not only physical symptoms, but emotions and feelings in their treatment plans and assignment of expected outcomes. Research bears this out in a government study from the CDC, Healthy People 2020 Approach to Health-Related Quality of Life & Well-Being.
       This is definitely encouraging, but more is needed. Individuals need to take responsibility, become more aware of their feelings and learn ways to manage stress, anxiety and depression. By making better choices this can be done. We can’t depend on curing disease. It is necessary to prevent some of the dysfunction and choose to be healthier!  We do have the tools to make these changes and with more awareness, we can do this! It is up to us! 

    ​       It might seem strange for someone who encourages you to “Embrace Change” to be talking about the power and importance of rituals, but there is a place for ritual in our lives and a balance or synergy between ritual and change is actually what is needed!
What is ritual? If you look in the dictionary you will see references to religious ceremony or a prescribed and ceremonious order, that is not what I am talking about. If you look further you will see that ritual can be:

1. A series of actions or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed by someone, or
2. Action arising from convention or habit.

 
        This defines the type of ritual that I am going to talk about.  I have a morning ritual that I start my day with and since I have been practicing this “ritual”, I have realized how powerful it is and wondered why this is so. I did some research I’d like to share with you. I think you might want to develop your own rituals after you hear how powerful and important, they can be.
         First let me tell you about my morning ritual. Every morning without exception, when I wake up, I do what almost everyone else does and go to the bathroom and then I drink a large glass of water and run a warm washcloth over my face. I then go back to bed for a 10 to 20 minutes and do something similar to mediation that involves intentional positive thought focused on the moment and this day. I note what I am thankful for today, do some deep intentional breathing and I make it a point to smile. I think smiling is really important!  During this time, I can feel the aches and pains lightening and leaving my body and then when I get up, I stretch out my muscles and notice how my body is feeling. I make my bed, (that really does make me feel both more organized and more motivated) and I open up the curtains and blinds in my room. My room gets a lot of light and I love looking out at the trees and greenery.  I then brush my teeth and go down stairs. I open the blinds downstairs and turn on my music (always). I have to have my morning music. It is an important part of setting my mood. Sometimes, I then go back upstairs and get ready, if I have an appointment. If I don’t have appointments, I’ll make some coffee or tea and relax while I look over my schedule and check my social media and email. This is not complicated or out of the ordinary in any way, but having this simple and positive structure to start my day does some important things that help the rest of day go well.  I was happy to find that there are some science-backed reasons why following this morning ritual makes everything go better.  

        What does this ritual do for me? To start with it gets me moving in a kind, gentle and positive way. Shouldn’t we be treating ourselves with as much kindness as possible? I remember when I use to set the alarm for the last minute possible with a couple of snooze alarms and then push myself to get up with no time to orient or think, and get ready. I was usually running a little late and stressed, rushed out the door wishing I were still in bed asleep and tried to force my day into a positive direction. That never seemed to feel right and the feeling I was starting my day with was generally not positive. Can you guess how my days often went? Second, this intentional order helps me to focus, concentrate and direct my attention.
       How do these seemingly simple and meaningless actions I have chosen to take do so much?  There is mounting research and evidence that these rituals, though they may seem irrational and arbitrary on the surface, have a strong impact on regulating our behaviors and level of performance, as well as, setting the tone and direction of our mood and mind flow or the sequence of our thoughts. Studies in the sports field have found that simple, seemly meaningless rituals can, in fact, help us to run faster, jump higher or solve problems more quickly. So, let’s say you are a tennis player and you have a ritual that you do before every match. Which many famous tennis stars do! Let’s say, you always drink a sport drink, practice your backhand and recite a certain mantra. The act of performing this ritual in your chosen order will reduce performance anxiety, set your mind flow in a positive direction and create a success mindset, as well as, diminish doubts or thoughts around failure. We know this because there have been studies in neuroscience where control groups practiced rituals and other groups did not practice rituals and were scientifically tested measuring brain activity. They were measured for performance anxiety using brain wave neural signaling. Goal achievement and performance level were also tracked and the groups who practiced rituals performed significantly better in all cases.
        Personally, I think that the quality and intention of the ritual would probably have the effect of even greater performance improvement, but so far, the research shows that almost any ritual practiced routinely has the effect of lessening performance anxiety and worry and therefore, improves performance. This is great news, because it means that we can all improve performance in any area of our lives, while reducing stress and its negative health consequences by practicing simple rituals.
       Creating rituals is easy and we all probably already have some that we don’t even think about or realize we are doing. Getting enough sleep is one problem area for me. I am going to start there. I plan on creating a bedtime ritual that I am hoping will help me get more and better sleep. It looks like they have already proven this to be true, so I am looking forward to getting better zzzz’s already!  Is there an area where a ritual might help you perform better and be more successful?  

Tera Lea Day, CLSC, CHT is a certified Master Practitioner NLP Life Coach with training, education and a degree in Medical Management and Administration.  She has been teaching Anger Management Awareness since 2009. Initially teaching tools and techniques to develop new communication skills, Tera found her personal journey with anger issues to be the catalyst to her teaching style of personal process in the small group environment. Tera shares that she has lived, learned and continues to apply the very techniques she teaches, learning as much from her groups as she gives to them.
“My goal is to provide a safe place, without judgement for self-discovery, helping each person learn how the tools work." -
  www.tleaconsulting.com/  

​        Ever feel like things are out of your control? Have you experienced a sleepless night with endless thoughts rehashing an encounter or situation that didn’t turn out as you planned? Did you experience the “Would have, Could have, Should have” syndrome or did your unconscious take you to the deep dark rabbit hole of irrational thinking?
There may be times in your life that everything seemed to be working against you. Anger and frustration set in, allowing you to excuse or blame the outcome on others. “How’s that working for you?” as Dr. Phil might said. Being stuck in the sleepless nights or days of frustration, rationalizing or playing the blame game, will not allow us to see through the muck and mire to make changes.
 
When was the last time you took a side glance as you passed a mirror, just to make sure everything looks good from the outside? Better yet, when have you ever stopped to look in the mirror, taking time to do eye to eye inventory of you starting from the inside? Change will only occur when we are willing to be accountable to ourselves for what is ours. You cannot change the people around you or the experiences of the past. (as much as we would like to believe that we can)
 
As with the lyrics from Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror”:
“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change.”
 
Now Look in the mirror of life to learn about you. Do you like what you see? Is it time to make a change from within? Take this moment to “Accept You” for who you are, here and now. Believe that change is possible. Remember you are human with choices and decisions to make.
 
Keep it simple and learn your warning signs when things are not working for you. What are your triggers? People, places and things can all become triggers. What are your expectations? Perhaps they are unrealistic. Are you projecting an outcome before it happens? Perception can be a projection.
 
I realize these are questions that we do not like to ask ourselves, however, in doing so they allow us to know who we are and see the avenues to change. I found the first moment I truly “Looked in the Mirror” I had to become very real with myself.
 
My daughter shared the following with me, and it helped me to understand I had the pen within me to write the changes into my story.
 
YOU are the creator of your Reality & You need to take Responsibility for it…
Your current situation is the result of your past thoughts & actions…
You are the creator, writer, producer, director & actor in your own story…
So, make your reality how you want it….   (unknown author)
 
Now ask yourself is it time to “Look in the Mirror” and make the changes?  Start the re-write on your personal story today!
Remember you can always seek professional help with a therapist or life coach if you need assistance in this process.
Sending Healing to all, as you “Look in the Mirror” with the Power of Change, Tera Lea Day, CLSC, Cht, 

About the Author: Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, at Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has two other wellness-related businesses Salt Works Pods, offering Salt Therapy and Total Wellness Products. offering natural healing products. All four businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, author and retreat facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio,   www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange  "Embrace Change with Kate ".  ​

​        This is a term that is frequently used in the sports world! It refers to everything flowing exactly as you would want it to or have imagined it in your dreams and sometimes even better than you might have imagined. In the world of spirituality being in the zone or flowing with the Universe is also a concept that people aspire to. We call it something different though, it is synchronicity, or maybe sometimes serendipity and on occasion called “magic”.  It is when all is flowing effortlessly our way in abundance for our best and highest good. 
        As with being in the zone in the sports world, being in the zone or in synchronicity spiritually seems to come without effort, but in truth, it is the consequence of awareness and preparation meeting opportunity in the moment. It is a mindset and mind flow that has been cultivated to the point that it flows naturally and automatically. It is practice that has become habit and it is habit that have become pattern and a set of beliefs that align with our deepest and truest self.
        How does an athlete get to that point where “being in the zone” happens? According to an article by Mike Edger, In Sports Psychology Today, titled The Zone:
 
 “The ‘zone’ is a state of extreme focus that helps athletes in all sports perform at their peak potential. It is when your mind fully connects with achieving a goal, such as, getting a hit, or stealing a base. Attention is absorbed into the present (the here and now only). When you’re in the zone your mind only processes the thoughts and images so that help you execute your task successfully.”
 
The National Academy of Sports describes ‘the zone’ this way-
 
 “Being in the zone, also referred to as a state of flow, comes from activities that are intrinsically motivating. There are several common elements of flow in sports: a balance of challenge and skills, complete absorption in the activity, clear goals, merge of action and awareness, total concentration, loss of self-consciousness, a sense of control, no extra rewards, transformation of time, and effortless movement.” 

       It is apparent that much of this comes from and is a spiritual state in itself, but it also gives an image and demonstration of how we achieve or get into “the zone” or that state of synchronicity in any area of our lives. It has a component of what we are currently calling mindfulness. For instance, from the definitions above it is easy to see how a performer giving an electrifying performance has achieved that state and a speaker who is mesmerizing their audience has achieved that state, as well.  Even the artist or the writer who draws their readers or viewers into their world is operating in “the zone”.
       It is possible to see then, how the elements that bring us into “the zone” and that magical state of synchronicity, whatever we may be doing in our lives, are very similar to the state described in sports as “being in the zone”.  Just as sports goals have been achieved by adopting some of the practices of spirituality, we can achieve that state of “being in the zone” spiritually and feeling synchronicity with the Universe with similar practices. Some of those practices of spirituality that are the tools of connection are mediation, mindfulness, developing a mindset or mind flow that is consistent and becomes habit, cultivating a vision, concentration or focus, clarity, awareness, gratitude, trust and intuition and finally, belief.  Like the movement of sports, movement in the spiritual sense is energy and must be effortless, timely and timeless. The athlete making that shot they have imagined and envisioned a thousand times mentally, in real time, is the same as when those things we have imagined come to us easily in other areas of life. When things, such as, ideas, creativity, money, love, security, health, or happiness just seem like they are simply meant to be, we are in the ‘zone’, in synchronicity with the Universe. It is bringing us what we have imagined and sometimes even surprising us with serendipity or “happy accidents” that align with our best and highest good. Like the athlete who sometimes achieves something never imagined when their well-practiced skills meet opportunity to create that unimagined moment, we too, can have those moments in our spiritual lives and in all areas of our life experience.   
        The key to “being in the zone” seems to be training and honing your skills in those areas you are passionate about to the highest level, no matter what you are doing. That is the magic of it!  Ask an athlete or anyone accomplished in any discipline how they achieved that moment of peak performance and they will likely tell you they don’t know – “they just feel it”, but the truth is they have cultivated and created the right mix of skills, along with mental and emotional attributes to achieve that ultimate moment.
 
            “Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you do repeatedly.”

• Shaquille O’Neal

        Christine Schader (AKA: Smiley) is a neuroscience nerd, an inspirational speaker, author of "The Happiness Connection", and a heart centered life, happiness, and money coach (holding some of the highest credentialing in the financial industry and owning her own financial planning firm).  She is passionate about sharing the science behind Health, Wealth and Happiness, and how to apply that science to achieve your goals, dreams, and desires while simultaneously tapping into expanding joy, happiness, and bliss daily. Christine lives with purpose and passion and loves inspiring and empowering women to achieve their greatest versions of themselves and teaching them to not be afraid to Shine and brightly at that.  
       She views herself as a lifelong student of God, love, and happiness. She has a beautiful retreat center on the Lake in Sandpoint, Idaho, has been married for over thirty-five years, and has two amazing adult children. In her spare time, you can find her hiking in the gorgeous Pacific Northwest, enjoying life with her friends and family, or clicking away at the keyboard on her next book. To reach Christine please email her at SoulTuned@outlook.com, her book is available at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B075C5L7VD 

        Could you stand to be just a little bit healthier?  How about a little bit Wealthier? Maybe even Happier?  Well this article is for you! As a life, happiness and financial coach and author on these subjects, I’ve been sharing the science behind happiness and success for decades and it all really boils down to this…
 WTF?
        Oh, now, come on—that stands for “where’s the focus?” not what you were thinking!
What you focus on, is what will grow. Think about it this way: you move toward what you think about. If you’ve ever taken a defensive-driving course, the instructor probably told you that if you hit a patch of ice or have an emergency circumstance, you should look in the direction you want to go, not where you don’t want to go. You end up moving the vehicle in the direction you look.
       The same holds true with your thoughts. You move your life in the direction of your thoughts. Therefore, you want to prime yourself to have thoughts that create the happy successful life you want.
       Happiness and success are skills. You actually have to train your brain by strengthening the neuropathways to fire for what you want.
Scientific research has given clarity about how we can rewire the brain for happiness and success; and with a basic understanding of this science we learn how our thoughts and words literally become reality.
 
 The Science
         
     Neuroplasticity shows that many aspects of the brain can be altered throughout life. Our brain is not rigid and set but rather malleable like plastic.  Scientific research teaches us that this neuroplastic change can happen when we change our behavior, environmental stimuli, thoughts, and emotions.
In other words, you can actually physically change and rewire your own brain simply by changing your thoughts.
        Hence, we want to help select our thoughts. —and one of the easiest ways to select our thoughts or “prime our life” is to influence our thinking using affirmations, affirmative prayer, visual reminders and intentions. We want to “set” ourselves up for success by wiring our brains.  The brain is incredibly influenced by priming. For example, if I were to say “wash” and then show you “so_p,” you would likely fill in the missing letter with an a, creating the word “soap.” On the other hand, if I said the word “eat,” you would likely fill in the missing letter with a u to form the word “soup.”
That’s because our brains are fast, jumping to conclusions based on previous experiences and programming. This is due in part to the reticular activating system (RAS).
        The RAS is a small part of the brain—a set of neurons and neuro-fibers located in the brain stem—yet it plays a vital role. It allows us the ability to focus and filter information that is let into our conscious mind.
Our brains take in incredible amounts of information every second and the RAS helps screen what parts of that information we actually need to pay attention to. We are created to filter down to what is really important and focus on it. The brain is designed to pay attention to things that keep us alive. We are also crafted to seek pleasure instead of pain. The RAS is helpful in filtering what gets through, deciding what’s important.
The thing is, our thoughts help set up the parameters of what we decide is important. Here’s an example of your RAS in action: Have you ever noticed that when you decide to get a new (to you at least) vehicle that you start noticing that same make and model all over the place? There are not more vehicles of that make and model, you just told your brain to start noticing them.
         Our brains are amazingly powerful, so use your brain for yourself instead of against yourself. Now you know that what you focus on grows, and that you should prime your life. BUT…
How do you tell your brain what to think about while you are in the midst of a tragic situation, a crisis, or a stressful moment? Here is where a great deal of the magic of designing a happy life exists.

     Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies    our growth and our freedom.
  —Viktor E. Frankl
 
       I could not agree more. I’d also add that mastering the space is where a considerable amount of your happiness lies. So how do you do that?
You want to exercise and train your brain to pause before you immediately respond. To have an opportunity to choose what thoughts you want to run with.
       Why do you have to learn to pause? Because if you don’t, your brain will hijack you.
Remember that it’s our thoughts that create our emotions, which create our perceptions, which create our beliefs, which create our responses and behaviors, which affect things like our relationships and ultimately shapes our entire life.
 
Therefore, the secret to sustained happiness is to learn to expand the space (create a pause) between stimulus and response so that you can decide how you want to respond instead of having your fast brain decide for you.
​

       You have over 60,000 thoughts per day, and most of those are the same thoughts you had yesterday. If you want to change your life, you need to change your thoughts. In order to do that, you need to learn how to create a pause, in order to allow yourself time to decide what you want to think.
       Remember, the brain has this amazing ability to do some awesome editing. It then presents an immediate response due to all your years of programming and your RAS. As a result, you view that response as reality, the only truth. In fact, though, that was only one option or way of seeing the world out of literally tens of thousands of choices.
We can actually retrain our brain to respond differently. We can program it to pause between the immediate situation (the stimulus) and our response. Then we can decide which response we want instead of going with the first edited choice presented by our fast brain.
        How do we do that? We slow down our fast brains so we can create the space to choose. We exercise and strengthen the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and we allow ourselves to see several ways of looking at the situation and deciding carefully which choice we want to feel and which way we want to lean.
The magic lies in the pause and realizing you can change how you are feeling at any moment, even while in the midst of a situation.
 
MFI
 
        And how do you create the pause? You need to craft and master “interrupter skills.”
What do I mean by that? You need to be able to purposely construct an interruption to stop the current thought flow and ultimate reaction so that you have the ability to have another thought—any other thought.
       If you do not pause, you will continue to feed your current thoughts, emotions, and feelings. And more and more chemicals to match those thoughts will be dumped into your body, which will create even more feelings and thoughts and more chemicals.
       So next time, when your mind is doing a number on you (a mind freak-out or more bluntly a mindfu@k), how do you interrupt your brain so you can even entertain a new thought? I have developed several MFI (“mind freak-out interruption”) skills.
       For example, when in a situation with another person, one of my favorite MFI skills is to remind myself that I am the author, star, and director of the Christine show and to ask myself how I want my star actress to respond in that moment. How do I want this happy ending to happen? How would my highest self, respond? And then I can shift. Sometimes, I actually say “plot twist” out loud and choose a new scene.
When my mind is simply playing over and over a situation and continually feeding a response that results in a feeling I don’t want, I seek to interrupt that cycle.  I may just need a distraction from the situation, so I get up and go for a walk, see a movie, pick up a book, or call a friend. Other times, I imagine I have a large “pause” button in my brain that I can push at any time.
     Do anything to stop the negative, unwanted self-talk or thoughts so that you can allow another possibility to be entertained.
 
Shopping for Happiness
 
        So now, you’ve mastered the pause. You’ve created and are practicing your own interrupter skills. Now what? How do you choose another thought?
This is the easy part: you get to go shopping! Shop for how you want to feel. Shop! Woohoo! Shop to your heart’s content! Shop, shop, and shop some more!! It’s the best shopping ever, because you are shopping for happiness.
Creating the interruption allows you space for another thought or way of looking at things. You now have the ability to ask yourself, “Is there any other way to look at this? How could this be useful? Are the things I am telling myself true? Is there another way to interpret this? How can this be useful? What else could this mean? What can I learn from this?” When you can change your perceptions, you can change your life.
      Perception is active not passive.  YOU control your thoughts. You get to choose how you want to look at any situation. Remember, situations do not have inherent meaning. You assign a situation meaning based on your fast brain. Past experiences, values, and beliefs about yourself and others determine how you interpret the event.  When you shop for happiness you allow yourself the ability to choose another way to look at the situation, to see things differently and to lean into how you want to feel about it. You get to choose how you view it and pick what serves you, what feels good. In coaching we call this ability to shop for happiness- reframing. When you can shift how you look at things you can shift your experience of it.
        Give yourself at least four or five other ways of looking at it before choosing. Often, I suggest throwing out the first and second thought and continuing to come up with alternative options until you find one that moves you in the direction you want.
I’m not talking window shopping here. I want you to actually try the thought on, see how comfortable it is. You know, when you go shopping for a new pair of jeans, you most likely don’t buy the first pair you see. If you are like me, you take a dozen pairs into the dressing room. You put them on, and you see if they stretch and move with you, if they’re comfortable, if they’re a good match for your body type. You try on pair after pair until you find the one that fits just right.
        Well, I want you to do the same for your thoughts. Try them on. Do they feel good? Do they make you feel expansive, light, better? Or are they tight, constrictive, and limiting? You’ll most often find that you want to lean into the good.
Keep in mind that all of life is energy, and that energy is expansive. If you want more joy and happiness in your life, you need to lean into that energy. I will most often choose to lean into the good—not always, mind you, but most often.
So, give yourself a chance to shop for how you truly want to feel.
 
Remember, it is never the thing, it is always what you think about the thing!
 
Once you understand that every thought you think, every word you speak, and every belief you hold is a brushstroke in the painting of your life, you begin to see the magic you bestow upon the creation of your life’s masterpiece.
​

Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, at Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has two other wellness-related businesses Salt Works Pods, offering Salt Therapy and Total Wellness Products. offering natural healing products. All four businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, author and retreat facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio,   www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange  "Embrace Change with Kate ".  

        As I write this, I am myself grappling with self-motivation & self-discipline. For myself, I much prefer to be motivated rather than having to use discipline.  I guess I am a bit of a rebel, as I always seem to want to balk a little at being pushed, even by myself for my own good!  Perhaps that’s one of those limiting beliefs I should work on?  However, finding the motivation isn’t always easy and keeping it up over a long period of time can be extremely challenging.  Self-discipline is needed to keep up the level of performance we need to reach and maintain our desired goals. This is a push, pull scenario and it turns out we need both the push and the pull to keep us moving productively toward our dreams.
       How can we find that balance between the push and pull where we don’t feel we are either bullying ourselves or get stuck because we can’t find that motivation at times?  First, we have to realize that it is a synergy and not an either/or situation. We need to use both motivation and discipline on a continuous basis and use them as our fuel and tools to accomplish what we want and need. And, maybe if, like me, you have beliefs or ideas that are making things more difficult, work on letting those go!
       As I sit here pushing myself to write this blog, I am reaching for that motivation that will make it a little easier. I haven’t found it yet, so the pushing is needed, but I am hoping before the end some positive and inspiring motivation will pull me up the hill. You can always feel it when it kicks in. It’s like stepping on the gas or something clicking into place or that “aha!” moment when we finally get it!
        I think discipline is harder for me now partly because I have created a life that is pretty motivating and inspiring to me most of the time and that is generally a good thing.  In the past, I had to discipline myself more often because a lot of what I needed to do were things I did not like or want to do.  I could not have functioned without a lot of self-discipline.  I did it, but I wasn’t happy most of the time and I didn’t like my life.  I was pushing myself up hill all the time and it was exhausting!  Now the things I love doing are constantly pulling and sometimes propelling me forward.  Still there are things I need to do that require that push.  Right now, due to some temporary circumstances, there are more of those than I’d like.  I feel a little exhausted looking at the hill I need to push myself up and possibly like there is a mean taskmaster with a whip following behind me beating me up a bit.  How can I change this picture, scenario and circumstance?  

        I am really framing this as I go, and see that some reframing is needed! Can I look at this differently in a way that will change the picture in my head and the reality of my feelings and actions? Luckily, I know that I can and so can you --- with whatever pictures and limiting beliefs you have hanging around in your head making life more difficult and not serving you well!  This is something I learned in a useful context as part of my NLP (Neurolinguistics Programming) training and in studying neuroscience.  So, here I am getting a little excited about seeing how I can change my reality and using these amazing modalities to make my reality a little easier, better or more of an energy flow that feels “good” or “right” to me and removes that resistance or blocks I am currently feeling.  Whoa! That feels good!  I think something is beginning to click and lead me in the right direction to make a big change in my picture of discipline.
        With what I have going on in my life right now, I really need that!  A big dose of self-discipline could propel me forward and make all the difference between a big win and a big crash!  Let me look at the big picture and concentrate more on how that looks, how that feels!  Hmmm? I’m liking that picture! I’m feeling good about how it seems real!  It seems like I could actual get there and maybe it wouldn’t be hard!  Maybe it would be easy with just a little push from me and some self-discipline.  It feels like a reward and not something I want to rebel against.
       I am going with this now and I think it may work! Changing my thinking on the push and pull and the feelings behind it, does change things! We can all do this with whatever is holding us back and keeping us stuck!  We are not limited by our thoughts. They are literally something we have created, and therefore, have control over! It is up to us and that is so empowering!  We just have to start recognizing and using this amazing power when we feel resistance and our energy is not moving and flowing forward for our highest good.
        To break it down, when you find yourself blocked and resisting what you know you need to do, recognize that you are dealing with those push/pull dilemmas where changing the pictures in your mind and your feelings about them is needed to make things work and find that balance between self-motivation and self-discipline. You need to get them working in synergy.  There may be more than one picture or limiting belief involved and you might have to work on all of them to get things in line, as with me, in my current situation I needed to change my picture and feelings around more than just self-discipline in order to resolve the issues blocking my best energy and keeping me struggling.  The process of doing that though is the same. You have to first recognize the picture, thought, or limiting belief that you have created and that it is holding you back. Then go about reframing and changing that picture to one that is going to make it easier to flow forward toward your desired outcomes. Different picture, different thought, different feeling and different actions equal different outcome.  It isn’t easy, but it does work and is so worth it!  Now watch me ramp up my self-discipline and get motivated to change my story in a big and positive way!
 
    “True excellence is a product of synergy!” – Mack Wilberg
 
       Creating a synergy between self-motivation and self-discipline will keep us moving toward our goals and using tools to remove any blocks or limiting beliefs we have created and will allow us to take action and keep our energy flowing positively forward!    

 About the Author: Shelley Abrams spent close to 25 years as a corporate technical writer before branching out on her own in 2010. She loves writing, research and the diversity being a freelancer offers. She’s contributed to blogs on spirituality, personal development, mindfulness, and health and wellness. She has written and maintained philosophical and spiritually based content for a paid membership site. She has an MBA, as well as a certificate in non-fiction writing. When she’s not writing, she likes being out in nature or just reflecting in the quiet. She finds history, geography, philosophy and meta-physics fascinating. She also loves traveling, meeting new people and experiencing different cultures. To learn more about Ms. Abrams’ writing experiences, visit her website at www.write2spec.com. 

​Struggle. When you hear this word what image does it conjure up? For me, I think of conflict, obstacles, defeat, stress, overwhelm and being beaten down. Struggling often paralyzes us, makes us fearful and unwilling to keep pushing forward, and for many it becomes a vicious cycle that one cannot escape from. Struggle is suffering and suffering is struggle.
 
It is our nemesis, yet while we resist struggling, we also accept this reality in our subconscious because we’ve been told through millennia that struggle is a natural, inherent part of life. In many schools of thought, struggle is even desirable, as it “builds character”.  We’re constantly told that struggle is necessary for success, that it makes us stronger, that it makes us who we are! And who are we to argue? After all, it’s influencers like spiritual teachers, religious leaders, philosophers and personal development gurus who have engrained this into our psyche over the years.
 
“Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Orison Swett Marden
 
STRUGGLE VS SUFFERING – IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
 So, let’s take a step back. What exactly is struggle? How is it defined, and how did the concept that struggle is necessary come about?
 
The dictionary defines struggling as “striving to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance.” It is similar to the definition of suffering, which is “the state of undergoing pain, distress or hardship”. Suffering and struggle have become synonymous over the centuries when talking about becoming better (as in a better person, better society, better world, etc.).
 
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Khalil Gibran
 
The concept of struggle goes back eons, with Heraclitus of Ephesus being credited with saying that struggle is the father of everything. As time passed, struggle was tantamount to natural selection - “survival of the fittest”. Scholars like Thomas Hobbes and Matthew Hale wrote about the struggle for resources amongst humans. Immanuel Kant felt that the “inner and outer struggle” was the catalyst for one becoming a “viable citizen of the world”. These theories were brought into mainstream thinking by Robert Thomas Malthus and Charles Darwin in the 18th and 19th century.
 
Suffering as a concept is as ancient as that of struggle. First, suffering was equated with knowledge, as noted in ancient Greek mythology and early Christian theology as told through origin stories such as the Garden of Eden. Next, suffering and punishment became one and the same. This theory was supported by all the major religions of the world, from ancient times through the Middle Ages. In essence, this belief says that if your God was displeased at how you lived your life, God punished you and you suffered accordingly. If you changed your behavior – persevered – you were granted relief and you became a “better person”. Even today, many people consider adversity and struggle as punishment for not believing or acting a certain way and more importantly, they feel they deserve it.
 
From there, the belief that struggle was suffering and suffering was punishment evolved into the undesirable need for wanting, or craving. This was particularly true in Hindu and Buddhist teachings. Basically, this viewpoint says that if you crave something, you are seeking pleasure and pleasure leads to more craving. In turn, you must suffer because you are no longer on the path to enlightenment. To avoid this form of suffering, you must let go of the need for want and experience the quiet mind. This belief still exists today – that in order to be happy, one must understand that the source of suffering is wanting.
​
 Eventually suffering morphed into being a necessity to finding happiness and success, which is the belief held and taught by many spiritual teachers, philosophers and religious leaders of the modern era.

​LIMITING BELIEFS
 So now that we know how struggling and suffering came about, let’s explore limiting beliefs. A simple definition is that a limiting belief is something which constrains us in some way. Generally, limiting beliefs are something we acquire throughout our lives as a result of our experiences, especially those that overwhelm us as a child. It is a coping mechanism our minds created to help us accept, adapt and endure - in other words – to survive!
 
A couple classic examples of a limiting belief are “I’m not worthy”, or “I will never be successful.” You might have failed at something as a child even when you tried your best. You begin to doubt yourself and tell yourself that you can never be successful. Voila, you have created a limiting belief! Perhaps your family berated you when you asked for something or didn’t live up to their expectations, by telling you that you didn’t deserve it. Over time, you adopt the mindset that you are never worthy of the things you want or the good things that come to you. Wow, you’ve created another limiting belief. It happens that easily and quickly.
 
Whatever the trigger was initially, these experiences and thoughts become beliefs that you live by. They are buried deep in your subconscious yet they drive everything you do. And they affect all areas of your life. They manifest as oft repeated cycles of overwhelm, worry, fear, beating yourself up and self-sabotage. You feel stuck and don’t believe there is anything you can do to change it no matter your actions or how many times you’ve tried. This happens even when you get a fleeting taste of victory (as in overcoming the challenge). You don’t believe you deserve it. The cycle of struggle starts anew.
 
If we’ve been told all our lives that nothing comes easy, that struggling and suffering is necessary to be who we are - to be strong, to succeed, to find happiness - we come to accept suffering and struggling as the only way to get what we are seeking. We don’t like it, we resist it, but we also resign ourselves to it - que sera sera.
 
     “If you come to accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.” Louise Hay
 
Don’t get me wrong. Everyone faces challenges in life. It is part of being human. But believing that challenges can only be overcome through adversity, struggle and suffering is limiting and holds you back from your true potential.
 
OK, NOW WHAT?
 So how do we get past this? We have to let go of the limiting belief that struggle is a necessary evil to become our best selves and to live the life we are meant to live. This doesn’t mean giving up or thinking that the challenge you face isn’t real. It just means you “stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right.” We also need to believe that any challenge we encounter offers us a lesson to learn and the need to take action – not retreat from action.
 
“I believe my life has no limits. I want you to feel the same way about your life, no matter what your challenges may be.” Nick Vujicic, Limitless
 
To do this you must first acknowledge that struggle (or suffering) is a limiting belief you have.
 
Next, spend some time in a quiet reflective state with a pen and paper and ask yourself what thoughts (limiting beliefs), good or bad, contribute to the challenges you currently face. For example, you feel like you “struggle” financially because you never seem to have money left over at the end of the month to do something fun. Given that, a related limiting belief you always tell yourself might be “I can never afford that”, or “I’ll always be in debt”.
 
Once you have identified your limiting belief, replace it with something affirmative. For example, I constantly hear myself saying (to myself and others) “I can’t afford this”. I do this unconsciously whether it’s true or not. Every time I say or think it, I’m reinforcing a limiting belief that I struggle financially. To overcome this, I make a concerted effort to rephrase “I can’t afford this” to “I choose not to buy this right now as I have other priorities”. In doing so, I tell the universe and my mind that I am making a choice, rather than giving into a feeling of hopelessness and a pattern of believing I lack abundance.
 
Then, start acting like you believe your new narrative. Using my example above, I allow myself an occasional splurge or I visualize that lifelong trip I’ve always wanted to take with excitement. Don’t be reckless of course, but do believe it can happen for you!
 
And finally, let go of the limiting belief – surrender the struggle. Be flexible, try to see things with new eyes and plot out a new course of action that embraces the challenge and overcome it, rather than succumbing to it.
 
Do this and you’ll find that struggle is no longer your reality.
 
“Begin today. Declare out loud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy.”  Sarah ban Breathnach

​        Sometimes it is necessary to move forward, change course or let go when you have been pursuing a particular course or goal for a while. This is always difficult, and especially when we may feel we are giving up on something that is or was important to us. How do we decide if and when it is the right thing to do? 
         The idea that we need to keep going, “never give up - you will eventually succeed” is drilled into us and when something is important, we definitely don’t want to give up too soon and fail to achieve a goal we have worked for and really want to achieve.  However, things do change. Priorities can change, new opportunities may present themselves or information may come to light that changes your goals, desires, priorities or perspective on something. How do we know when it is not only time, but necessary to make the shift and let go of an old vision, in order to pursue a new direction and new or different vision? This is not quitting, but something else. It is not that we feel it is too hard, out of reach or we have self-doubts about our ability to achieve the goal. It is realizing that something has changed and as a result, it is our desire and in the best interests of our highest good, according to our values and intuition to move in a new direction.
         Giving up one valued vision and replacing it with something new that now feels right for us, is not easy, but sometimes we need to make this tough decision. It becomes easier if we are in touch with and trust our intuition, but fighting with our logical reasoning may still be a battle. Is there a process that we can go through to make this decision feel better and make it easier for us to “turn the page”, so to speak?
         There are definitely some questions we should ask ourselves and possibly some assumptions and beliefs we need to evaluate and question in order to make this process move forward and feel we have come to a valid and necessary decision.  I am at such a point in my own life now and I have recently watched a couple of other people go through this difficult, but necessary process, so it has been on my mind as to how we can proceed with the least amount of difficulty, knowing we are doing what is right for us and not quitting or giving up on a prior goal. There are a number of circumstances in life that tend to lead to these types of changes and then there are the ones where we are propelled forward by something previously unacknowledged or some amazing opportunity.  Some of the circumstances that may lead to the necessity to make a change in direction are things like health, the death of a spouse or loved one, divorce or dissolution of a marriage or partnership or a change in economic status for any number of reasons. These are circumstances that we do not generally choose, but they are thrust upon us by life and we have to adapt.  They can leave us in complex circumstances that require us to change direction and reevaluate previously set goals and aspirations. The whole framework on which those goals and aspirations were based has changed and we must see things in a new context and move forward with a new outlook.  Many people have made these kinds of transitions and changed their goals, plans and the course of their lives in adapting to them. It was what they had to do to move forward and not quit on life. 

​       It can be very much the same when we make a change and decide to go in a different direction for reasons that are not so obvious or are more a matter of choice than those thrust upon us by life circumstances.  We are still seeing a significant shift in the parameters that we previously used to set our goals and aspirations, and therefore a need to reevaluate and consider a different direction.  It can be due to a perspective that we did not previously see, a change in some contributing factor or an opportunity that did not previously exist or was not part of our awareness.  It can also simply be the passing of time.  Many people as they get older and realize they have less time to live will change their priorities. This is a matter of coming to terms with an inevitability that always existed, but we had not considered it in the same light and deciding that perhaps one thing is more important to us than another.  We can not always have everything we want or aspire to and it sometimes becomes necessary to decide what is more important.  Do you want to travel or invest in an expensive hobby?  Is it more important to have money in the bank or experiences and stories to remember? Is owning our dream car or a home with a view a priority or would we rather spend time doing things we love with family and friends. Sometimes we can do both, sometimes we need to make a choice, even when it comes to our dreams and goals.
      Asking ourselves the tough questions to become fully aware of what our values are and what is most important to us is the key to making these decisions and feeling comfortable with “turning the page” and moving forward.  You have to really know that you are following your bliss and not giving up something for something lesser.  When you know you are choosing what you value most, you will be able to move forward without regret and know you are doing the right thing. Even when the decisions are hard and something is left behind with perhaps, bittersweet laments, you will know it is the right thing for you right now!  So, turn that page and get started on creating your new journey and masterpiece story! 

About the Author:  Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a colorfully creative journalist, inspiring transformational speaker, licensed social worker, interfaith minister, editor, radio host, BLISS coach, event producer, Cosmic Concierge, the author of The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into The Extraordinary and co-author of Embraced By the Divine: The Emerging Woman’s Gateway to Power, Passion and Purpose. She has also contributed to several anthologies and personal growth books. Edie has interviewed such notables as Ram Dass, Wayne Dyer, Debbie Ford, don Miguel Ruiz,  J Marianne Williamson, Grover Washington, Jr., Noah Levine, Shirley MacLaine, Dennis Weaver, Ben and Jerry and His Holiness the Dalai Lama.  She calls herself an Opti-mystic who sees the world through the eyes of possibility. Edie writes for The Huffington Post, Psych Central, Beliefnet, Elephant Journal, The Good Men Project, Expanded Family, Meaningful Mom, Bucks Happening, Montco Happening, Hunterdon Happening, as well as a growing number of other venues. Edie is the founder of Hug Mobsters Armed With Love, which offers FREE HUGS events on a planned and spontaneous basis. She also facilitates a workshop called Cuddle Party which is a 3 1/2 hour opportunity to engage in safe, nurturing, non-sexual touch by consent. Communication and boundary setting skills are taught as well.  www.opti-mystical.com 

        Like many who are reading this, I am a Renaissance person, a serial entrepreneur, what I refer to as ‘professionally polyamorous,’ with many overlapping career paths offering financial support and emotional gratification. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. Throughout my adult life, I have been a lifeguard, swim team coach, massage practitioner, teacher for adults and children, practice patient for a medical school, social worker, addictions counselor, bereavement specialist, therapist, ice cream parlor scooper, waitress, artists’ model, clown, life coach, journalist, editor, book author, magazine publisher, interfaith minister, radio host, event producer, PR Goddess, greeting card writer, organ donor educator, support group facilitator, as well as active volunteer. I refer to myself as a ‘Cosmic Concierge,’ which means that I am well connected and know how to help people find resources.  My path continues to unfold before me.
        Periodically, I find myself (or lose myself) in feeling as if I am not doing enough fast enough for my nagging, nudging inner critic. That’s when I do something that I recommend for overachieving Type A’s…I Google myself! When in doubt, you can check it out too. You may be surprised at what you have accomplished.
      When I do that, I got a goofy grin on my face as I shook my head and think, “Wowie, that woman is busy!” When I can view myself from an outsider’s perspective, I can allow myself to relax, at least for the moment. Then, in typical fashion, I am off to the races again.  I chalk it up to being the daughter of a mom who, in my early childhood, worked from home as an Avon Rep., gate guard at our community pool in the summer, columnist for our local newspaper and designer of doll clothes. I would laugh at the cosmic coincidence that her boss for that last job was Mrs. Handy. In addition, she too was a volunteer, at the hospital, with Girl Scouts, and at the elementary school my sister and I attended. When Jan and I were old enough to be latchkey kids, she went to work as a switchboard operator at Sears until she retired at 65.  My father focused on one job for decades as a milkman for two different dairies and then shifted gears (no pun intended) and became a bus driver for SEPTA (the regional transportation company). Both instilled in me a sense of responsibility and told me that I could do whatever I wanted professionally as long as I enjoyed it and could support myself. They never said it would be single focused, thank goodness. Not sure how someone can remain in the same job for a lifetime. My curious mind is always reaching for new ideas. 

​       As the Grammy and Academy Awards have just occurred, I found myself fascinated with the success stories that played out on the screen. There was a time when each of these folks were not household names. I was delighted to hear that Brandi Carlile won Best American Roots Performance and Best American Roots Song for “The Joke”, and the album the track comes from, By the Way, I Forgive You, was named Best Americana Album. I initially heard this kick ass singer songwriter on member supported Philly based radio station WXPN around 10 years ago. The stirring song honors people who are marginalized and endangered, being seen as out of the mainstream. 
Rami Malek who rocked the screen and world as he embodied Freddie Mercury in the epic Bohemian Rhapsody was handpicked after being seen in the television show Mr. Robot. It was the role of a lifetime and likely will catapult his career even further.
          These are just two examples of those who likely had big dreams that they fed, watered and nurtured. I wonder who was on their team of yaysayers and if they faced naysayers who told them they wouldn’t reach that pinnacle. When I hear acceptance speeches, I am touched as award winners thank their families, friends and colleagues who lifted them aloft.
         In my own life, are many who fall into the first category and blessedly no one in the second group. Despite that, I still waver and doubt that my own vision for my life will play out the way I desire, all evidence to the contrary. It’s then that I turn to tried and true tools.
        One is what my friend Ruth Anne Wood calls Scripting For Success which is a vast toolkit of ideas to bring to here and now reality what we may only have mused about casually.
 
How to cultivate your glorious garden:

• Decide the crop you want to harvest. If you want watermelon, don’t plant tomatoes. You can’t get what you want, until you know what you want.
• Prepare the soil. Don’t plant on rocky, litter strewn surfaces. It is unlikely that any healthy crop will take root.
• Design the pattern and layout. Sure, scattering seeds randomly may yield something, but is it what you envisioned?
• Dig deep. If you place the seeds on top, they will blow away in the wind, or wash away in the rain.
• Weed out discontent and doubt or they will choke out the new growth.
• Nurture what is there, showering it with love and praise.
• See the finished product even while it is in process; keep your eye on the prize.
• Sometimes ‘shiny new object syndrome’ will kick in and distract you, in part as a way of protecting you from fear of failure.
• Have accountability partners who will keep you on track. These are folks who will remind you of your commitments.
• Create mini-goals for yourself if tackling intentions all at once seems too daunting and enjoy checking them off.
• Offer yourself small rewards for these micro milestones.
• Spend time with those you admire who have reached their goals and keep climbing higher. Remember that birds of a feather flock together.
• Remember that one hand washes the other, so it is important to be of mutual support to others. Don’t make it all about you even as you are being ‘shamelessly self-promoting’.
• Find a mentor. For the past 30 some years, Dr. Yvonne Kaye has been mine. From the get-go, she inspired me with these simple words, “Discipline is freedom,” which provided the structure from which my creativity could flow, and my free-spirited nature could emerge.
• Know that you are worthy to have your dreams and desires come to fruition.

Count me in as an ardent admirer and cheerleader!

​Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, at Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has two other wellness-related businesses Salt Works Pods, offering Salt Therapy and Total Wellness Products. offering natural healing products. All four businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, author and retreat facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio, www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange hosting "Embrace Change with Kate ".  

          We are by nature creatures of habit. Habit as defined by the dictionary is “an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary”, and forming a rote and ritual pattern of behavior is part of our learning and development process and how our brain works in all of our learning processes. Neural pathways are formed by repeated behavior. After enough repetitions an action or behavior becomes natural and given the same stimuli, we perform that act or behavior without even thinking about it. It simply seems like the right, natural and correct thing to do. Habits have gotten a bad rap and sometimes we think of them only in the negative sense because so many of them are formed without intention, starting when we are so young that we don’t even realize we are making a choice. When you are a baby and you feel hungry you naturally cry, signaling distress and discomfort. You don’t think about it, you just do it. However, it doesn’t take long before you learn that crying gets a favorable response (in most cases) from your caretaker and results in you being fed and those uncomfortable feelings being relieved. You learn that crying results in a reward or favorable response so crying becomes a habit whenever you feel uncomfortable, a need or a want. This makes habits well-rooted in our behavior and often difficult to change, however, the good news is we can just as easily cultivate good habits as we can bad habits.
         According to Neuroscience, there is an area of the brain that deals with the formation of habits and as I mentioned that involves forming new neural pathways. Research has determined that it takes about three weeks to form a new habit. (Sharon Eakes, The Systems Thinker, www.thesystemsthinker.com) if we repeat a behavior consistently over a period of three weeks it forms a new neural pathway or circuit in the brain and becomes an unconscious response and what we call a “habit”. This is really good news as it gives us evidence that it is not necessary to spend a lot of time fighting or trying to change “old habits” which are no longer serving us, but that we simply need to form a new “more positive and desirable” habit.  By doing it repeatedly for about three weeks, that newer, stronger neural pathway will replace the old one. This is also a natural part of our learning process and we do it on a regular basis as we are growing up without thinking about it consciously. 

         I mentioned that a baby learns to cry when they are hungry to communicate need and discomfort. Over time this becomes a habit whenever the baby feels discomfort, need or want. As the child grows and develops other ways of communicating this feeling and state develop. The crying behavior becomes undesirable, unacceptable or annoying and the child learns a new response to communicate discomfort, need or want. They don’t consciously think about this in most cases, but the feedback they are getting stops working in a rewarding and positive way and they learn that other behaviors are more effective and as they start repeating those more acceptable and effective behaviors, in a short time they learn that asking for food verbally is working better and it becomes the new habit when they feel hungry. Any parent who has ever tried to force a child to stop crying will be able to tell you just how daunting a task that is. However, giving the child a new behavior to perform and practice when they experience certain feelings works marvelously well.
​
    “Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts,
     temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts.” --- Aristotle

       While many habits are formed without conscious intention, it is also possible to form new habits by intentionally repeating a specific action or behavior over and over again until it forms that new neural pathway and becomes a habit. There are some tips that are very helpful in forming new habits:

• Focus all of your energy on creating the new behavior and pay no attention to stopping, resisting or changing the old habit. Our energy goes where we focus our attention.
• Imagine yourself doing or already having the new behavior or habit. See yourself as you wish it to be. 
• When you are faced with frustration, annoyance, fear, anger or any other feeling related to the “old habit” note that feeling by stating it. Say, “I feel angry” or “I feel frustrated” out loud or silently and you will find it dissipates or clams the feeling. 
• Neutralize negative feelings by being self-compassionate. For example, say “Even though I still carve sugar, I truly and completely love myself and respect my body with loving acts.”  This will help you get back on track when you stumble or feel weak.

 
      The very best discovery that has been validated by recent studies is that “you can teach an old dog new tricks” and it is possible to form new neural pathways throughout our lives. This is called neuroplasticity and tells us that we can form new habits through out our lives and the more we do so, the healthier our brains will be and stay as we age. We never become to old to change and new desirable habits that serve our current needs and goals can be cultivated throughout our lives.   

About the Author: Dr. Anna Margolina is a Master NLP practitioner, Licensed Trainer of NLP, hypnotherapist, scientist, Author & Speaker.  She graduated from the Russian State Medical University in Moscow Russia in 1996. Anna has worked as a science editor and science writer for the Russian Cosmetics and Medicine Journal since 1997. She published a number of books in Russia on science-based skin care. Anna moved to Seattle in 2001. In 2009 while dealing with personal issues, she became interested in NLP and hypnosis and was certified in 2013. Currently, Anna is developing a program for women who want to look younger and more radiant using the power of their unconscious mind. www.agelesswithhypnosis.com  

How I realized I had a happy childhood.
       I was attending my first seminar with Dr Richard Bandler. You can imagine my excitement. I was in a presence of a living legend – a co-creator of Neuro-linguistic Programming. Probably the best part of NLP seminars is watching volunteers being brought on stage in various degrees of distress and misery. This time, Dr. Bandler selected a very prim and proper looking young man in a business suit with a red tie. I watched with fascination as this very serious-looking man started giggling and then laughing and beaming, as he was led into hypnosis from one pleasant, joyful memory to another. Those were not small reserved smiles! Oh, no! That man was glowing and glistening with delight! When Dr. Bandler finally had him face some disturbing events in his past, the man apparently couldn’t remember how bad it felt in the first place. His whole attitude changed. He didn’t even look the same!
      Then Dr. Bandler looked at the rest of us with a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Here is what I want you to do. Grab a partner and do with each other, what I just did on stage.”  I raised my hand with a question.
“Yes?” asked Dr. Bandler.
“Dr. Bandler! I cannot do this exercise!” I said.  “You said, ask them to remember a good memory, but I have no good memories. I didn’t have a happy childhood!” And with this, to my own astonishment, I broke into tears. Here I was, at the NLP seminar with Dr. Richard Bandler, bawling my eyes out, sniffling, my shoulders shaking, making a spectacle of myself. No, I didn’t want to go into my past. I locked that door. How could he not see that I couldn’t bear facing my pain, my fears, my struggles. Just one memory, which immediately popped into my mind, brought a waterfall of tears. That, alone was enough to ban time travels.
         In this memory I was in a school yard, looking at three bullies, who were laughing and pointing at me, as I tried to say something in my defense. The problem was, I couldn’t, because I stuttered so badly, all I could do is to struggle and stomp my feet and clench my fists, which apparently was hilarious. It is hard for me to imagine that at this point I truly believed that I had a terrible childhood and didn’t have even a glimpse of joy.
       Intellectually, I knew I must have had some good things happen to me, but I also knew there were experiences I didn’t want to revisit. It is so hard for me to imagine that time when I didn’t know that our past could be changed, re-invented, re-experienced, re-evaluated and re-enjoyed. As Dr. Bandler likes to say – it is never too late to have a happy childhood.
       In order to change the past, we first need to find the original recording or memory of the event. Not the later narration or rationalization. I mean the original sensory experience. Whatever experiences you were sensing with your eyes, ears, nose, skin, taste buds, olfactory sensors, and whatever was felt and experienced in the moment as the event unfolded. This can be done through various hypnotic techniques, such as the affect bridge, timelines or various metaphors.
      In the affect bridge technique, a person is asked to travel from the most recent event, that caused a particular emotion, to more and more recent events linked by the same emotion. I see in my mind such events as islands, connected to similar islands through bridges. Each bridge is made from a certain emotion. You can imagine walking from one island to another way into the past, until you reach the very first episode, where this emotion was first experienced.
          In the timeline technique, you imagine your life as a road. You either walk back into your future, or you float above the timeline, until you find this first event. Some metaphorical techniques include turning pages of the book of your life, walking through the long hallway with many doors leading into your past events, walking down the spiral staircase from one memory to another etc. Whatever technique is chosen, it has to accomplish one important task – revivifying the original sensory experience. It is a good practice to teach a person (or yourself) to step out of the sensory experience into the observer position, if the emotion becomes overwhelming.  When you realize that you can always reduce the intensity of a feeling by stepping out of the sensory experience into a more detached viewing point, emotional time travel becomes much easier.
It is important to treat this past event as if it is happening now, in a sense it is.  Always use the present tense, when talking about the event. Our brain is not that good at distinguishing real events from vividly imagined or remembered events. Whatever we imagine, affects our feelings and even our mind and body, as is it is happening now.  
However, the power of the hypnotic time travel is that we can make changes. For example, what will happen if a person reexperience the memory, while having a different neurochemistry? What will happen if this person is given new knowledge to help form new, more up-to-date, more functional and more useful beliefs about the event?  

​        This is exactly what Dr. Bandler did for that young man on the stage in his example. He made the young man laugh and he led him through a sequence of delightful, pleasant memories, which saturated his body with feel-good neurochemistry. The curious thing about neurochemicals is that it takes a while to make them and reach the point of saturation, but once you accomplished this, it also takes a while to flush them out of the body. When we look at the same traumatic experience from a much more resourceful state, with much more knowledge and much more life experience, we can find new ways to respond.
       I was back in the school yard, looking at my tormentors. Only now, I was looking at this experience from a more resourceful state.  I knew I survived. I knew, that eventually I graduated from the Russian Medical University, got my Ph.D., moved to the U.S., studied hypnosis and developed a fascination for the powers of the human mind. I felt strong and I felt compassion for myself and even for those three boys, who couldn’t feel compassion because nobody taught them how to feel it. No one had probably shown them any compassion. I felt proud of that young girl who had such a challenging condition and was able to accomplish so much! Pride and compassion will give you a pretty good dose of neurochemistry! What if you add a splash of gratitude, a touch of joy and a generous dose of unconditional love? Hey, it is your brain, you can do anything you want in hypnosis!
And as if the door opened and was flooded with luminous light, a flow of memories – not pain, but of joyful shenanigans and fun adventures – took over and spread all over my timeline. I did have a happy childhood! How could I ever believe that I was a miserable child?
       Now, looking back, I feel horrified that I could live my entire life being afraid to open the door into my past. I feel so relieved that I escaped the sad fate of carrying baggage full of painful memories and miserable emotions into every relationship. It is very unfortunate that so many classically trained therapists still believe that it is important to make a client relive their most painful experiences again and again in order to get insight and understanding.
       From what we know now, from modern studies in Neuroscience, all it does is to create less resourceful states and saturate the body with even more stress and pain inducing neurochemicals.  It is very difficult to gain new insights if we look at the same memory with exactly the same internal states and from the same perspective. NLP and hypnosis do away with that painful reliving of painful memories. Once you change the neurochemistry of the memory, it will never be the same. We don’t like hearing the same joke. So why reexperience the same pain?
      Would you like to discover how you too can now have a happy childhood? Would you like to find out how much fun and pleasure you can remember, reexperience and reclaim and dig out your good memory treasure chest? As Dr. Bandler likes to say, there is delight at the end of the tunnel. And when we start thinking, instead of remembering, when we start using our brains with purpose, when we fully decide to take control of our thought process, we can leave behind the darkness of misery and fall in love with every moment of our beautiful and delightful life.  

​Kate Olson, CPC, CHt, is a Life Coach, Integrative Master Hypnotherapist, EFT & NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer and Reiki Master located in Seattle, Northern Lights Life Coaching www.northernlightscoaching.net & Embrace Change Hypnosis & NLP www.embracechangehypnosis.com.  Kate offers workshops & classes, as well as, individual and group coaching. Her emphasis is on assisting clients in finding Path, Purpose and Peace. Kate focuses on integration of mind, body, spirit wellness. It is her mission to help clients find joy through connection, creative expression and embracing change.  She is passionate about creativity, travel, personal growth and enjoying life. She has another wellness-related business offering Salt Therapy, Salt Works Saltariums.  Salt Therapy offers an all natural treatment solution for respiratory and skin problems.​ All three businesses operate as Dba's under Total Well Resources, LLC.  Kate is a speaker, writer and event facilitator.  She is also a radio show host on Contact Talk Radio, www.ctrnetwork.com/embracechange hosting "Embrace Change with Kate ".  

​        Boundaries and limits are of primary importance to our health, well-being and happiness. They are the basis for self-care, self-esteem and self-love. When we fail to set boundaries and limits, we allow our lives to spin out of control and are unable to maintain the lines that define our needs, self-perception and place in our world. It is our job to define the boundaries of what behaviors we will allow from others and the limits of our own behaviors. Think of boundaries as the rules we enforce on others in interacting with us to keep us feeling safe and respected. Think of limits as the rules we impose on ourselves to keep us behaving in alignment with our standards and with the acceptable standards of others.
        What happens when we don’t have strong boundaries and limits? We get pushed around and end up feeling out of control or we end up pushing the boundaries of others in unacceptable ways. Either way we are out of balance and will feel overwhelmed, exhausted and disoriented or out of alignment.
        How does this happen? It usually happens when we say “yes” when we’d like to say “no”, do things we really don’t want to or allow others to infringe on our space, push us to do more than we’d like to or feel comfortable with or be out of sync with our values.
        It has probably happened to most of us at some point or in some context, but most of us do learn that to be happy we need to have these boundaries and limits. Some people let this get out of hand though and it can lead to anxiety, depression and lack of direction, over-whelm and even physical and emotional illness. There is usually anger and resentment involved feeling that others are imposing their will on us. While this may be true, we are actually creating the situation in not taking the responsibility to establish strong boundaries and limits for ourselves.
        What can we do if we realize we have not set boundaries and limits for yourselves in a specific area of our life or in our lives, in general? It is not always easy to dramatically change our behavior patterns all at once. It is usually easier to take small steps changing one thing at a time and letting the people in our lives get use to the new behaviors, as well. There are tools, such as, hypnosis, NLP (Neurolinguistics Programming), EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to aid in these behavior changes. These techniques take advantage of the way our brain works to make it easier to replace old habits and behavior with new behaviors and rewire our brains to make these changes automatic.
         If every time you go to lunch with a particular friend you find you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, ask yourself why? Are you letting them push you past your comfort level and failing to set the boundaries that align with your true feelings? To keep our boundaries strong, we have to be aware of our feelings and adjust our behaviors and what we allow from others on a continuous basis. We have to be tuned in to our inner voices and the messages we receive on a body, mind, spirit level. There is no other way to keep strong boundaries and limits and maintain harmony and balance in your life than listening to your inner wisdom and paying attention. Give yourself this gift. You deserve it!
          

About the Author:  Thomas E Ziemann is a motivational speaker and spiritual researcher. Tom delivers engaging, uplifting lectures on Relationships, Life Purpose, Meditation, and Anger Management. Both of Tom’s books; The Department of Zenitation: A Layman’s Guide to Making Spirituality Work in Real Life & Taming the Anger Dragon: From Pissed off to Peaceful have received critical acclaim from some of the finest spiritual authors, writers, and experts in their respected fields. Tom is a proud father of two brilliant daughters, married to his best friend, and a loving Cat Daddy for their 9 cats. He lives near Portland, Oregon      

Looking back; some 55 years which I’ve lived upon this big, blue beautiful marble in space; it’s remarkable where I’ve been as where I’ve come to. Had you known me in my youth; you would have seen a disheveled, wimpy, scared, black eyed and bruised, unconfident, small stature boy who perfumed the putrid stench of urine well into his early teens. The clumsy dork that everyone incessantly teased picked on and ridiculed.  That shy kid you loved to hate and beat the crap out of because it somehow made you feel superior. A dour boy whose unrequited love of his parents created a lifelong, angst replete with fiery rage from his uncontrolled “Anger Dragon” within that followed him into his middle age. That deep seeded anger left a wake of painful, loveless, tarnished relationships, a broken marriage and premature greying hair. The physical and emotional abuse inflicted by his parents had far reaching ramifications as well as deleterious effects.  Yeah, sadly that was me. I HATED who I had become; a self-loathing, sanctimonious, perfectionistic, pompous ass.
 
I get the question from time to time; “Tom, what the hell happened to you…from that timid little dormouse you used to be to an Enthusiastic, Motivational Speaker and Hope Broker?  What I will share in this brief chapter may not work for everyone; however, it did work for me.  Please join me on a brief sojourn          
                                     
 It was after graduating high school back in 1981, I met an enlightened man who changed my life. His name was Johnny Norman; a guidance counselor for the Chicago Public Schools as well as an accomplished Taoist Master. He never judged me; rather he graciously offered to take me under his loving tutelage. What made his teachings different from most other Martial art schools was that he concluded every class with a different type of meditation. He knew literally hundreds of different kinds. I was blessed to study under this incredible man for well over a year before joining the Navy. While Kung Fu helped my confidence. It was the meditation techniques which helped me focus my monkey mind and to find some inner peace. Still, the anger I was holding onto towards my parents darkly colored every other area of my life. I found myself to be an Anger-Holic. A perfectionistic “A ‘hole” …a total judgmental bastard. All for what? Why?
 
When I hit 50, many of the answers seemed blatantly obvious to me. What allowed me to finally face my inner demons were 2 things…First, the Big F   Forgiveness. Until I came to terms with the fact that my parents did the best they could within the awareness they had my life would never change.
 
It was as if a huge spiritual weight was lifted of my chest once I let go of all the self-pity I was harboring.  Secondly, I was finally able to object ably see myself in an unflattering light. The truth can be painful, yet it’s equally liberating. The question to ask yourself with brutal honesty is; “Can you handle the truth?”
 
Once I was emotionally and spiritually mature enough to accept myself as I was, it allowed the healing process to commence. For the first time in my life I was able to simply admit how screwed up I was. I took ownership of my past mistakes and made a vow to myself to change. To make right the wrongs I had done where possible and give back. Both of my earlier books “The Department of Zenitation” and “Taming the Anger Dragon” delve quite deeply into the processes which share more intimate details than time allows here. While there are no perfect prescriptions defining what makes one happy and how to heal oneself.
 

I will share a few things I found invaluable along my path.

​At 50, the healing began when I began to evaluate and deeply examine my beliefs; all aspects of my mental make-up…mental, emotional, spiritual, philosophical, political and so on. Not so much what I was carrying as factual for me; more importantly, why I believed so. How did I come to these preconceived notions? Were they still valuable to me? Had I grown beyond these preconceived ideas? Did they still have merit? Had I delved deep enough into their importance? Once I felt I had a good grasp of my beliefs, it allowed me to go deeper…
 
Who am I? Why am I here? Each question took me deeper, an existential quest so to speak. This line of questioning begged an honest answer; what was my life purpose? Once you can answer that, I promise you that your life will change provided you heed your inner calling. I immediately knew that mine was to help others define their own purpose. What’s yours?
 
When you are in touch with your core being, your answer will become apparent. You will have a choice; that point on your path; to go for your dream or not. Don’t worry what others will think about yours, that’s not important. What does matter is you took the time to contemplate why you are here. Don’t worry how you will accomplish your goal. Leave that to a higher power. Remember that there is nothing worth wild for free in life. One must work to make things happen.
 
You will know how important what you say is your life purpose by the amount of time you spend daily thinking about it and working towards its fruition. Once I defined my life purpose, it allowed a number of things to really sink in. First it helped me know myself deeper than ever before. It allowed me to love myself as I hadn’t previously experienced. What an amazing peaceful feeling! I speak not of a narcissistic love, but of an acceptance of all my good parts as well as my faults. No judging, just acknowledging them. This is a freeing exercise which I whole heartily recommend you doing.
 
You cannot love another fully without first loving yourself. Understanding one’s strength and weakness is invaluable as it shows us where to focus our attention on. Using one’s gifts to work on areas where we fall short is nothing less than magical. Being the right person will make finding the one a much easier task. I realize this may all be a lot to take on all at once, that’s not the purpose. Don’t try to conquer everything you’re unhappy with at once. Simply choose your battles as they come. Big changes and rewards come with time and daily focus on the problem. Taking time daily to add to your understanding of things will help immensely in rounding out one’s life.
 
I have a thirst for knowledge; an unquenchable desire to know something about everything. Not to be an expert on every subject, simply wise enough to be able to ask intelligent questions. Real wisdom is grown that way.
 
In my earlier years, I took things so personal. It ruined many burgeoning relationships. Not taking myself too seriously has been a blessing. As the great American Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron often says; “Lighten up on yourself”. We generally receive the love that we believe we deserve, so open your heart to all possibilities.
 
Happiness…I could devote an entire book to this one. Happiness then is not about what happens to us; rather, it’s how we choose to respond to what happens to us.  One secret to happiness is to do what you like; the reward of a successful life is truly liking what you do. Happiness is not about having what you want; it’s about wanting what you already have. It is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside of you. It takes one area of one’s life to be off kilter to play emotional havoc. Maslow spoke in great depth about this fact in his hierarchy of needs.  The best definition of real happiness I’ve ever heard is; someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. Powerful wisdom indeed.                                                                      
 

​Let’s break this parable down. “Someone to love” can also be equated to something one loves. For our discussion I will focus on the relationship aspect. Relationships, good or bad, can have a profound effect on one’s emotional being. Having a significant other who you love is paramount to a long fruitful relationship. They can add many years of health as well. Believing you are worthy of having such a relationship is only part of the equation…once you get that dream partner that when the work begins.                                                                                           
 
Sadly, many people have chosen to stay in a lack luster relationship as opposed to being alone. They are dying a slow spiritual death by doing so.
 
No one can tell you what a meaningful relationship is; by discovering who you are will define what you’re looking for and what will create greater joy in your life. As I’ve discussed in “Taming the Anger Dragon” knowing you and your partners “joy triggers” will make finding and keeping a relationship blossoming a snap. Relationships are never easy, good ones are incredibly fulfilling. Timing plays a huge role in this so keep an open heart. Choosing the right partner is critical. Seek to be in a relationship where both partners never stop trying.
 
So, what’s the secret to creating lasting magical relationships? Mutual respect is the key. Act loving, enthusiastic; be in the moment when you’re with people.
Put that cell phone down when having a conversation. Use reflective listening to really understand what your partner means and their needs.
 
The perfection trap has doomed many relationships…, Don’t seek a perfect person, they don’t exist. Instead cultivate a relationship with someone who’s perfect for you; one who accepts you with all your faults, imperfections and visa- versa.  The starting point is not with your partner; it’s with you. If you are dissatisfied with yourself, I can promise you that you will never find a person who can truly and fully satisfy you.
 
Here’s a question to ponder; What’s more important in a relationship, to be loved or respected? Respected of course. Why is that true? Love is extremely important; you can love someone and not respect them however if you respect the other love is the byproduct.
 
OK, we’ve discussed the relationship portion of the 3 legs of happiness; Next let’s discuss the “something to do” aspect.  As the great neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl documented that people who have a reason to live generally do despite unfathomable obstacles. His message is simple; know what you love to do. One’s career can supply much happiness and self fulfilment as doing the thing that makes your heart sing. So how do you know what yours is? What do you love doing? A great exercise is creating your bucket list.
 
Creating a bucket list is one of the best ways to find out who you really are. Simply stated your list is nothing more than a specific list of every dream you’ve ever had. The key point is to not judge it. Allow your beautiful mind to flow. Let your deeply hidden wants and aspirations flow on paper. One’s latent talents can be cultivated and create incredible joy in ones later life. Be creative! Don’t let the lack of money or means to be a barrier on your list. As it’s been said, the universe conspires to make your dreams come true if you know what they are; want them with all your heart, not simply 100 other incompatible things. Burning desire combined with definiteness of purpose, specificity and action make dreams become reality.
 
Moving on to the “something to look forward to”. This simple act has allowed people from all walks of life to live longer, more fulfilling lives. If they could just make it to one more Christmas, to see their children get married, to see the birth of their grandchildren. The list goes on. Ironically a good number of the signers of the declaration of independence all died on July 4th, Coincidence? I think not. It’s my belief they all had a reason to go on. So, I ask you, what’s yours? We come now to the last part of this chapter. To make the case for how I got here from whence I came from is a daunting consideration; Put another way…                                            
 
“How I learned to dance through the Tsunami”.
 
When pondering my life, I can’t make one single argument identifying one incident that was the reason for setting me on my path. Certainly, many catalysts.      
 
I’ve learned that real forgiveness is a true healer. I don’t do it for the one who wronged me; I do it to give myself inner peace.
 
I’ve learned far more from my failures than my successes. I’ve had the good fortune to learn vicariously from others, in other words I didn’t have to experience what they did to glean the lesson or the hurt they endured.
 
As mentioned “Taming my Anger Dragon”, using anger and my pain for fuel was a necessary part in breaking my anger cycle and addiction. Coming to the realization I was miserable in my life gave me the courage to face my inner demons.
 
Taking calculated risks has added to my life 10-fold. In no way could I have accomplished anything without risking.
 
Music has been a soothing, life altering tonic; I use it daily to help calm my inner beast known as anxiety.
 
Daily meditation has been a lifesaving, sanity activity. Teaching meditation classes has made me a far better student. Learning proper breathing techniques has literally saved my health.
 
Making peace with past was a big part of the healing I required. Sharing my vulnerabilities on the written page has helped me enormously; the plus side was there are many others out there who also carried much of the same pain and fear I did. They can gain helpful insights by reading my plight without having to endure the same.
Being able to see myself in an unflattering light was the key part in coming to terms with my short comings, thereby accepting myself as I was and using my faults as a starting place for change. Taking the time to know myself completely was a tremendous gift to myself.
 
Realizing life isn’t fair helped me to become self-sufficient and strive to accept tragedies easier. Bad things happen to everyone. I am not being singled out by a vengeful God.
In life, there is no free ride; when I want more, I must work smarter/harder to obtain my dreams and desires.
 
Using gratitude as a part of my everyday existence changed my life immediately for the better. Taking time daily to appreciate where I am, how truly blessed I am, what gifts I have, who is in my life and all the gifts bestowed upon me right this second.
 
Practicing random daily acts of kindness to people who can never repay me has changed my life immeasurably.
 
Becoming my own best friend helped me create amazing friendships around the world, some stemming over 40 years!
 
To be able to ask others for help was a biggie for me.  As the old Chinese adage says: “He who goes through life with   a clenched fist receives nothing.”
 
Learning to delay immediate gratification has been a heaven sent, financially freeing realization.
 
Being able to share my deepest feelings with my wife and close friends without fear of having them judge me has been a miraculous experience. 
 
Learning to communicate effectively has certainly changed my life. Learning to LISTEN without trying to figure out what the other was saying before they finished was a big one for me. To give honest praise and appreciation to the people and employees in my life has been key to my success.
 
Writing down my goals has allowed me to live a fuller life than   I ever believed possible.              
Giving something back daily (even a kind word) may be the greatest gift to myself I’ve ever received.
 
Helping charities and non-profits raise donations has given me a deep sense of accomplishment; self-satisfaction that I only dreamt about in my early years.
Seeing the joy my sculptures create in the eyes of the receiver and onlookers has filled me with a great sense of joy.
 
Allowing the love that I have desperately sought my entire life to flow to me, rather than chasing it allowed me to give more love back than I ever believed possible.
Knowing and working daily towards my life purpose has given me inner peace. Helping others identify theirs has been beyond gratifying. Spending time daily with all nine of my wonderful cats has added many years of happiness to my life. Working in my garden and yard has created joy and satisfaction that come from seeing one’s effort pay off.
 
Home entertaining, cooking for my friends and family has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself. Generosity begets the same.
Developing the passion deep within has pushed me to greater height’s than I believed I was capable of.
 
Keeping true to my deepest beliefs such as “The Truth is one and the paths are many” has helped me keep an open mind unhampered by prejudice and judgement.
 
Writing several books has been life changing to say the least. It helped develop my confidence and hopefully create joy for my readers.
 
Public speaking has given me the deep satisfaction of helping others find their own way.
Becoming a “Hope Broker” has added an indescribable joy which eluded me most of my life.
 
Finding the woman of my dreams late in life showed me that amazing things come to those who never gave up hope. By becoming the person, I sought rather than just searching for her has given me the loving marriage I had always desired.
                 
“I wish each and every one of you the inner peace you are seeking. Much Love.” --Thomas E Ziemann