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I have long felt that these two words sum up nicely much of what life is all about. Balance and flow are at the core of our physical, mental and emotional well-being, relationships, communications and our existence in the larger environment. And, so it goes in outward waves that can be applied to just about everything that we call our reality and existence. If we understand the importance of balance and flow and strive to create and maintain that within ourselves and the world around us, that is the mechanism of functionality that leads us to contentment and the feeling of rightness with regard to life itself. When a mechanical device is working as it should and performing the tasks it was designed for, there is a fluidity, a synchronicity that is architecturally admirable and to those not engineering-minded a bit magical. There is this same quality in natural life, whether human, animal or the other creations of life we call nature and the environment we live in. There is a functional dynamic of how things are designed to work and when they are working right, a balance and flow is created that is beautiful and magnificent. It is the balance and flow that maintains the cycle of life. All things working just the way they are supposed to work. Like mechanical things, this does not happen without some care and attention. Mechanical devices need to be properly maintained and cared for to keep them working with the correct balance and flow. You have to change your cars oil and replace the spark plugs at the proper intervals to keep it working right and if you forget to fill it with fuel or charge it (depending on its power mode), well, you are not going anywhere. Nature, of course, has its own maintenance mechanisms and would continue without interference from mankind, except that we interfere with those natural mechanisms and cycles and then need to take counter measures to put things back in order. Sometimes we do this by replicating what we see in nature and sometimes by our man-made measures, but there is an enormous amount of learning about balance and flow that we as humans can learn from nature. I talked a little about this in my recent book, Living In Joyful Resilience: A Roadmap for Navigating Life’s Ups & Downs. In nature, I saw many examples of remarkable resilience presented joyfully. The quote below is from my book and mentions the education we can get by observing nature: “In its brilliance nature demonstrates how bending saves us from breaking and finding a new path allows us to move forward. Nature shows us that is possible to break through and grow in situations that might look impossible.”  In life we, as humans, are sometimes confused by all the different information and guidance we get regarding what is best and most needed for us to be our healthiest, happiest and most successful or most optimally performing selves. We are told that doing something is good, so we do it, but then we hear that maybe less of that and more of something else is better and it all becomes confusing. As it turns out, it should be confusing because we are all individual and there is no right formula that works for everyone perfectly. There are some general guidelines that seem to be helpful, but we must all find our own balance and flow and that is work we do from the inside out. On an individual basic, we have to find the right recipe of input, output, actions, rest and so on, that will help us to function at our own optimal level. In the desert, where I now live the one thing that is very apparently lacking and often needed is water. When the dessert plants get enough water, they thrive and form a beautiful and unique eco-system. Sometimes people think though that if a little of something is good, more is better. This is not always true. Even in the dessert where water is scarce, more is sometimes not a good thing. I saw this demonstrated to me this past year with my first Arizona monsoon, which turned out to be a 55-year record. Personally, I found the monsoon a little scary with the thunder and lightning, torrential rains and flash floods, but Arizona in many ways needed the water and many of the plants and desert animals thrived. However, with many years of draught, some of plant life had adapted and for those plants the extra rain caused the over growth of fungus and some plants dies because of an excess of water and conditions that led to fungus over-growth. I was surprised to look out in my backyard and see a cactus that just days before had looked healthy, now looked like it had been attacked by wild animals and was apparently dead. Upon further inquiry, I found out that it had probably been dying from the inside out as a result of the fungus caused by excess water for nearly a year. There were a number of other plants in the area that had met the same fate. Not being a cactus expert, I had no idea the plant had not been healthy. As with people, the dysfunction or misalignment that leads to being out of balance started on the inside. And, as with people, by the time it was outwardly visible things were quite serious and too late to be repaired. I learned a lesson about dessert plants and at the same time, I saw a correlation to people in this lesson. It is necessary to maintain the balance and flow within our individual bodies and lives and to start from the inside out. It is necessary to constantly check in and make sure everything is flowing smoothly and in proper balance, especially in the midst of changing circumstances or environmental factors or the trauma and chaos that life can offer. We are each unique individuals and need the right balance, like the delicate and beautiful eco-systems of nature. We must have proper maintenance and regular self-care is an important part of that.
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Being known and understood or recognized in life seems to be one of our greatest pursuits, but perhaps really knowing, believing in and recognizing who we are ourselves, is a pursuit that is both more challenging and more rewarding. As part of my own awareness and self-discovery and in working with my clients this is a truth I have gleaned over many years, much self-reflection and a lot of input and observation of others. Really becoming fully self-aware and having confidence and trust in the person we are at our core seems to challenge us more than any other endeavor. We are perhaps taught and conditioned to look outside of ourselves for that mirror of who we are so totally that it is difficult not to, no matter what we achieve or how much input we are intuitively enlightened by. Many of us seem to question who that person we are at our core, our "soul essence", really is. This is so common, that it has been given a name, "imposter syndrome". I have to say that I am regularly surprised by comments or admissions from clients, friends or even colleagues, most frequently women, but men too, who are very accomplished in many areas of their lives and who most people look at as successful, or having it “all together”, and they are expressing fairly extreme and, possibly unwarranted, self-doubts. Some even to the level of feeling that maybe they are fakes or that the image that others see of them and their success is not justified. They will often express fears that everything will fall apart at any moment and their "real", inadequate and unaccomplished self will be exposed. For many this is a lingering and underlying fear that causes anxiety and keeps them from really enjoying their success or celebrating their accomplishments and the beautiful souls they have grown into. |
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As the decades past and I worked on different areas of my health, first discovering my metabolic challenges of having low-thyroid and Hashimoto’s disease, then discovering and resolving the some of the gut and digestive issues related to that and then very slowly as skin started to respond and heal in accordance with some of those changes delving more deeply into hormonal imbalances and resolving those issues. I began to become someone new. Something pretty miraculous started to happen with all of this, some of my long held emotional feelings about myself, deep wounds, many self-inflicted, started to heal. It was when I started some pretty radical, for me, and intentional self-love though, that I really started to see some big changes. It was much to my surprise that I was noticing when I looked in the mirror that I no longer had acne. I no longer had bad skin. I no longer looked different or inferior in my perception, to other people. I now looked like a normal, reasonably healthy woman, ageing fairly well. I saw this to be true and acknowledged it. That was a life-changing experience for me.
Here is the crux of it though, as it relates to “imposter syndrome” and how and why people experience it. Even though I am no longer that acne-inflicted girl struggling to hide behind make-up with low self-esteem, who couldn't seem to love and accept herself, there is a part of me that still remembers her and empathizes. I spent such a long period of time believing that I was her and seeing myself that way, that I sometimes I forget that I am not her. I frequently get compliments on my skin with people telling me that I have beautiful skin. Although, I have learned to say, “thank you”, without doing so, I am always tempted to explain how awful my skin used to be. I feel a little guilty, like maybe I don’t really deserve the compliments or perhaps, I’ll wake up tomorrow and that girl I used to be, will look at me in mirror. This is what is happening with people who suffer from “imposter syndrome’ in any area of their life. They are letting those old beliefs that no longer serve them and possibly never did, over shadow their accomplishments and the person they are today. They are choosing to live in the past, instead of the present moment and diminishing themselves in the process. The way to heal imposter syndrome and really align with your true core self and who you are today is through self-acceptance, self-love and living fully in the moment. This means challenging yourself to let go of those insecurities and be truly and fully who you are.
You will probably not see me without makeup on a daily basis in public any time soon, as I have learned through many years of practice, the enhancements it can provide to one’s appearance. However, I know that I no longer need to hide behind it. I am grateful to have found the causes behind my skin issues and healed them, as well as, the emotional wounds, after so many years. I see and feel blessed to have beautiful skin and I appreciate it. Yes, like most of you, I still see the flaws, dark under-eye circles, uneven tone, lines and wrinkles, but I see the beauty too. I am sharing here a current, one-time photo of me, sans makeup, just to confirm this. As you see, there is no monster behind the makeup. Maybe there never was. Perhaps it was a matter of my beliefs. I certainly know I imagined the monster to be bigger than she actually was, as we so often do with monsters, and I held onto the belief longer than needed. It feels so good to let the monster go!
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Most of the time we think of holidays as happy times of celebration with gatherings filled with love and merriment; usually times of togetherness and shared feelings, rituals or traditions. This is not the case for everyone though and sometimes holidays can be the hardest times for people. This might be because they are alone and don’t have family or friends nearby to share in the celebration and festivities or sometimes it is because past memories of holidays bring back unpleasant, sad, disappointing and sometimes even traumatic experiences. There can be a lot of pressure on people to make holidays look and happen a certain way and then there is always the dynamics of family relationships that can cause stress or anxiety for many people. For others it is the memories of happy holidays past and people who are longer in our lives that can be difficult. There are actually a multitude of reasons that can make holidays hard for people and being both aware and sensitive to this is important. Being aware of your own feelings around holidays is something you can actually do for yourself. If you know that holidays, in general, or specific holidays are difficult for you, you can plan around this. You can give yourself a little extra self-care to help you through them or you can plan activities to take your mind off of whatever causes you to experience unhappiness. You can also make an effort to change those past negative memories or attitudes and make new memories and feelings by experiencing the holidays in a totally new and different way. If anxiety during holiday situations is the problem, you can get help to get to discover what is causing it and actually feel more relaxed to finally enjoy the holidays. We can be sensitive to others who may be having difficulties at holidays by reaching out and letting them know they are being thought of with phone calls or other types of connection or we can share our holidays with them by inviting them to join in our celebrations.
It may be that you don’t like holidays in general, like a friend of mine, who calls them all, “just another day”, or maybe you like some holidays and others, not so much. For me, Easter was not a holiday I ever liked much until I was an adult and had my own child. My memories of Easter were for the most part not happy ones. I am talking about Easter from a strictly celebratory viewpoint and not it’s religious or symbolic meaning. One of my first memories of Easter was being dressed up and taken to get my photo taken with this huge and very scary creature that was suppose to be the Easter Bunny. I remember crying and trying to get away, before being forced into a photo. The expression on my face said it all, though I don’t think I can find the photo, I remember it vividly. Other memories of Easter for me include being dressed up in uncomfortable and itchy clothes and forced to attend church, which always included an argument between my parents. Easter baskets filled with candy I didn’t really like. I remember coloring eggs, which wasn’t fun at our house, because my mom didn’t want there to be any mess. Then the eggs themselves, which I did not want to eat. I remember putting them under my bed one year and they spoiled and smelled horrific. We would often go to my aunt & uncle's house for the holiday dinner and my dad, being an alcoholic, would drink too much and the arguing on the way home was inevitable. I did like the holiday dinner, not the fessing and anxiety though, and the short tempers of adults preparing the dinner. It always made me tense and uncomfortable. I could feel all the energy between the adults at the holiday dinners and it usually gave me a headache and upset my stomach. Being the oldest of the cousins, I was the caretaker for the younger ones, who were usually acting out and responding to all the tension and chaos, as well. Holidays and especially Easter, were not happy times of celebration for me as kid, but more a day I tried to get through as best I could and was happy when it was over and all the Easter candy and trappings were gone.
It may be that you don’t like holidays in general, like a friend of mine, who calls them all, “just another day”, or maybe you like some holidays and others, not so much. For me, Easter was not a holiday I ever liked much until I was an adult and had my own child. My memories of Easter were for the most part not happy ones. I am talking about Easter from a strictly celebratory viewpoint and not it’s religious or symbolic meaning. One of my first memories of Easter was being dressed up and taken to get my photo taken with this huge and very scary creature that was suppose to be the Easter Bunny. I remember crying and trying to get away, before being forced into a photo. The expression on my face said it all, though I don’t think I can find the photo, I remember it vividly. Other memories of Easter for me include being dressed up in uncomfortable and itchy clothes and forced to attend church, which always included an argument between my parents. Easter baskets filled with candy I didn’t really like. I remember coloring eggs, which wasn’t fun at our house, because my mom didn’t want there to be any mess. Then the eggs themselves, which I did not want to eat. I remember putting them under my bed one year and they spoiled and smelled horrific. We would often go to my aunt & uncle's house for the holiday dinner and my dad, being an alcoholic, would drink too much and the arguing on the way home was inevitable. I did like the holiday dinner, not the fessing and anxiety though, and the short tempers of adults preparing the dinner. It always made me tense and uncomfortable. I could feel all the energy between the adults at the holiday dinners and it usually gave me a headache and upset my stomach. Being the oldest of the cousins, I was the caretaker for the younger ones, who were usually acting out and responding to all the tension and chaos, as well. Holidays and especially Easter, were not happy times of celebration for me as kid, but more a day I tried to get through as best I could and was happy when it was over and all the Easter candy and trappings were gone.
When I became an adult, I often avoided the family gatherings before I married. After I was married, I tried to either avoid them or create a second and separate holiday that was more pleasant. When I had a child of my own, I tried both to fit into the family gatherings and experience them in a different way, to create a better experience around holidays for my son. Of course, in doing this my past memories did play a big part in what I focused on and how I created memories for my son. Being an only child, family and being around extended family and grandparents was always important to my son, especially after his dad and I divorced and I was a single parent. I tried to participate in family gatherings and have a good time to make it a happy time for my son. This was not always easy for me, but seeing my son happy did help. I embraced the traditions and tried to make them both memorable and happy, paying attention not to what was expected, but what my son enjoyed and what made him smile. There were no itchy clothes or forced trips to church or Sunday school. Although, my son did make the choice to go to church on some occasions. Yes, we did discuss the meaning of the holiday and its traditions. He did get his picture taken with the Easter bunny, who he did not seem to be the least bit afraid of, but maybe a little amused by. I will say the Easter egg hunts of all types were something my son loved and we kept that tradition going until he was almost 18, per his request and a few times beyond that just for sentimental reasons. In addition to the family gatherings, we always did something special for the holiday, like a nice brunch or going to a park or somewhere with beautiful views or a special event. I am happy to say, I am sure my son has good memories about holidays, for the most part and Easter specifically! And, in the process of creating those memories for him and changing my own experiences of Easter, I created new happy memories and my feelings around Easter changed, too.
Easter has turned out to be one of favorite holidays because I love getting together with my family and having a usually relaxed celebration with good food, people I love and a few traditions, as well as, a lot of good feelings. Yes, my sister does sometimes work too hard and stress over the preparations, but she does it with caring and I love her for it. This year my family is not together, my son is in Idaho and working today, my sister is at a dog show, enjoying that I hope, and I am not sure what my brother and family in Washington are up to. I miss them all and look forward to the next time we can get together. I am alone today and remembering good times together. I am giving myself a little extra self-care, as I mentioned can be helpful. The point of what I am saying, is that even if we have bad memories or experiences that have spoiled holidays for us in the past, it is possible to change that and create new, better experiences that will become good memories to carry us forward. It is our choice to do so. Wishing you much joy and happiness in all things, and some great holidays to come!
Easter has turned out to be one of favorite holidays because I love getting together with my family and having a usually relaxed celebration with good food, people I love and a few traditions, as well as, a lot of good feelings. Yes, my sister does sometimes work too hard and stress over the preparations, but she does it with caring and I love her for it. This year my family is not together, my son is in Idaho and working today, my sister is at a dog show, enjoying that I hope, and I am not sure what my brother and family in Washington are up to. I miss them all and look forward to the next time we can get together. I am alone today and remembering good times together. I am giving myself a little extra self-care, as I mentioned can be helpful. The point of what I am saying, is that even if we have bad memories or experiences that have spoiled holidays for us in the past, it is possible to change that and create new, better experiences that will become good memories to carry us forward. It is our choice to do so. Wishing you much joy and happiness in all things, and some great holidays to come!
These are all part of our human experience and cannot be entirely avoided or eliminated, regardless of who we are, how much we have learned or how happy and generally blessed a life we may have. Even coaches, therapists and people who spend their lives helping and teaching others experience these states on a regular and ongoing basis. Even the author of a recently released book on joy and resilience can have these feelings and times where life seems to be a bit overwhelming and hard to fathom. And, she did recently. For me, the month of March, 2022, was not one of my best. It started out with being ill. I have not entirely figured out whether I had a short-term digestive virus or there is something on-going I need to deal with, but it is better now. The first two weeks of March I was in pain and having issues on a constant basis, which led to missing a fair I had signed up for and the loss of the investment I made to participate. I was greatly disappointed in that. Then I had to deal with some home repairs and improvements that cost a lot and caused inconvenience. At the same time, I was realizing that people I had hoped would support me were not, for whatever reason, doing so. Despite knowing better, I took this quite personally. This led me to a place I would warn my clients not to go --- questioning of self, worthiness and purpose. I will tell you, despite a part of me knowing better, I contemplated giving up on my endeavors, walking away and not looking back. I was feeling quite unappreciated and very much like my efforts did not matter. I was telling myself this story, despite knowing it was wrong. I was letting the actions or inactions of others influence how I felt about myself.
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It wasn’t just what was going on with me personally though, that was affecting me. When I looked outward and saw what was happening in Ukraine, how some people were reacting or supporting Putin, what was happening in politics and the many uncaring and unkind comments people were making, it was affecting my overall feelings, as well. I realize that I was seeing all the negative as that is where my internal state was and being an empath, I was taking it all in. It was spiraling more in that direction. Yes, I know I was choosing this, but it didn’t seem so at the time. It felt like it was happening to me.
Luckily, I have long had a few strategies in my life for those times when things get off track. One is, I pause making decisions based on these feelings. I say, “I’ll wait until, (pre-determined date) and if things don’t change then, I’ll do “xyz”. And, so far, I have found that things always do change or, at least, my perspective on them changes or becomes clearer. Next, I try to look at things from other perspectives and question myself on some of the thoughts and feelings I am having and where they are coming from. I try to be an observer of my own situation and emotions and that alone, sometimes totally changes the direction of my thinking.
Our feelings are valid and we can’t help but feel them, right or wrong. However, how we interpret and deal with them can make all the difference. We have no control
whatsoever, over other people’s behavior or actions and yet, it sometimes affects us. If we could do everything with no expectations, it would serve us best. It is natural though to expect people to do what we would do and treat us as we do or would treat them. This does not always happen though and it is beyond our control to do anything about it or even to understand it. How can we get past our feelings of disappointment, distrust, or even, betrayal? It is not easy, because we can not change or influence what they do or the affect it has on us. Sometimes we may find that we are over-amplifying the impact their actions have on us or diminishing our own power and sometimes maybe, we have valued them more than we should have. We are looking for support from people who can’t or won’t support us for reasons of their own. We want from them more than they are capable of giving. We think that others are capable of what we are capable of, and this is not always true. Especially when we are dealing with emotions and intangibles. It is hard to know what someone else is capable of or the reasoning behind this. Another thing that can help is actually naming and defining what you are feeling. Is it sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, a deep wound, betrayal, distrust or complete devastation? If you can name and quantify both the nature and degree of pain you are experiencing, it is easier both to deal with objectively and see what you need to do to overcome it. In my case, it began with disappointment and escalated to a small bit of heartbreak. Knowing that I had overcome and bounced back from much greater levels of pain was helpful in putting things in perspective.
How did I get through my bad month and spiraling feelings. I had to go inside and spend some quality time nurturing and loving myself. I saw very few clients. I worked only when I wanted to. This was somewhat forced by the two weeks of construction at the beginning of the month. I worked on getting my outside patio space in order. I am still putting together furniture, but have what I need to create a space. I watched more TV than I did over the entire pandemic. I binged the whole Outlander series and watched a few movies, as well. I read 3 books. I went out to dinner more than usual and slept in a lot, after those first two weeks. I wrote some letters and made some plans. I listened to a lot of music and didn’t do any of the things I knew I should, unless I absolutely felt like it. Coming out of March, I feel much better and no, I am not going to stop doing what I love or quit. I know what I am doing is of value and I know I am appreciated by many, if not always by those I’d like, expect or in the ways I’d like or expect. I am grateful and know that I am blessed in so many ways. I think I will spend April counting those blessings and expressing more gratitude! When I put everything in perspective, I have to feel blessed that I am only dealing with small disappointments and upsets, not the devastation that some are currently facing. That does not mean my feelings are not valid or that I shouldn’t feel them, just that perhaps I am fortunate in spite of them.
I am still processing much of the feelings I experienced over this past month and why they hit me as they did. There may be a message there I still need to uncover. I know it will lead to learning I can use to help others going through the periodic crisis that interrupts us while living otherwise very good lives. I have chosen to share this personal story because clients often see others as having blissful lives, untouched by moments of doubt or negativity and that is just not the case. We are all traveling down the same bumpy and unpredictable roads with lessons to learn large and small.
Luckily, I have long had a few strategies in my life for those times when things get off track. One is, I pause making decisions based on these feelings. I say, “I’ll wait until, (pre-determined date) and if things don’t change then, I’ll do “xyz”. And, so far, I have found that things always do change or, at least, my perspective on them changes or becomes clearer. Next, I try to look at things from other perspectives and question myself on some of the thoughts and feelings I am having and where they are coming from. I try to be an observer of my own situation and emotions and that alone, sometimes totally changes the direction of my thinking.
Our feelings are valid and we can’t help but feel them, right or wrong. However, how we interpret and deal with them can make all the difference. We have no control
whatsoever, over other people’s behavior or actions and yet, it sometimes affects us. If we could do everything with no expectations, it would serve us best. It is natural though to expect people to do what we would do and treat us as we do or would treat them. This does not always happen though and it is beyond our control to do anything about it or even to understand it. How can we get past our feelings of disappointment, distrust, or even, betrayal? It is not easy, because we can not change or influence what they do or the affect it has on us. Sometimes we may find that we are over-amplifying the impact their actions have on us or diminishing our own power and sometimes maybe, we have valued them more than we should have. We are looking for support from people who can’t or won’t support us for reasons of their own. We want from them more than they are capable of giving. We think that others are capable of what we are capable of, and this is not always true. Especially when we are dealing with emotions and intangibles. It is hard to know what someone else is capable of or the reasoning behind this. Another thing that can help is actually naming and defining what you are feeling. Is it sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, a deep wound, betrayal, distrust or complete devastation? If you can name and quantify both the nature and degree of pain you are experiencing, it is easier both to deal with objectively and see what you need to do to overcome it. In my case, it began with disappointment and escalated to a small bit of heartbreak. Knowing that I had overcome and bounced back from much greater levels of pain was helpful in putting things in perspective.
How did I get through my bad month and spiraling feelings. I had to go inside and spend some quality time nurturing and loving myself. I saw very few clients. I worked only when I wanted to. This was somewhat forced by the two weeks of construction at the beginning of the month. I worked on getting my outside patio space in order. I am still putting together furniture, but have what I need to create a space. I watched more TV than I did over the entire pandemic. I binged the whole Outlander series and watched a few movies, as well. I read 3 books. I went out to dinner more than usual and slept in a lot, after those first two weeks. I wrote some letters and made some plans. I listened to a lot of music and didn’t do any of the things I knew I should, unless I absolutely felt like it. Coming out of March, I feel much better and no, I am not going to stop doing what I love or quit. I know what I am doing is of value and I know I am appreciated by many, if not always by those I’d like, expect or in the ways I’d like or expect. I am grateful and know that I am blessed in so many ways. I think I will spend April counting those blessings and expressing more gratitude! When I put everything in perspective, I have to feel blessed that I am only dealing with small disappointments and upsets, not the devastation that some are currently facing. That does not mean my feelings are not valid or that I shouldn’t feel them, just that perhaps I am fortunate in spite of them.
I am still processing much of the feelings I experienced over this past month and why they hit me as they did. There may be a message there I still need to uncover. I know it will lead to learning I can use to help others going through the periodic crisis that interrupts us while living otherwise very good lives. I have chosen to share this personal story because clients often see others as having blissful lives, untouched by moments of doubt or negativity and that is just not the case. We are all traveling down the same bumpy and unpredictable roads with lessons to learn large and small.
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Age-Regression is a hypnosis technique that is frequently used, however, there is some discussion as to whether it is always the best technique or if it is needed at all. Some believe that it is the go-to procedure for effective resolution of almost every issue. Other hypnotherapists don’t really believe that it is necessary at all and never use it. There is a middle ground where some hypnotherapists believe that there are specific times and issues where age regression works well and other times when it is better to use other procedures.
Age-Regression is when the hypnotist guides the client back to retrieve or re-experience memories that happened at an earlier age. This can be cathartic and there are some specific reasons why this is done. It is sometimes very effective in resolving issues. As the client sees and experiences events from the past, they are looking at them from a different perspective and seeing them in a different way with added resources for dealing with them and can therefore come away with different feelings and perhaps, an improved outcome or better perspective of the outcome. On the other hand, going back and re-living past traumas, experiencing those feelings again, can reignite traumas unnecessarily. It is also true that each time we go back to a past memory we change it and we may not be dealing accurately with things. How do we decide then if using age regression is the best choice?
There is not one right answer to this question. I think it depends on many factors and the decision will be very individual and may come somewhat intuitively. However, for me, there are some things that I consider. First, what is the client’s comfort level with going back and delving into those past traumas? Second, is there another way of addressing and dealing with the issues without using age-regression? If there is another way of dealing with the issues and resolving any undesirable feelings or behaviors associated with those issues, then I will choose not to do age-regression, unless the client is really wanting and expecting to experience it. It is always my goal to make the clients healing experience as trauma-free as possible. I try to set up the expectation that the treatment will be easy and not a difficult process with lots of pain and suffering involved. I have found that many clients do expect difficulty and suffering from their experiences with traditional psychotherapy and counseling and often dread the idea of going through such an experience. It seems obvious that re-traumatizing can do nothing, except hindering the healing process. It is always my goal to change that expectation and start things off with the client in a hopeful mindset with an expectation that issues will be easily and quickly resolved.
In many cases, issues can be resolved and feelings changed by dealing with the beliefs around a particular experience, rather than actually going back and recreating that time and experience. At other times, experiences can be reframed or energy can be refocused away from dwelling on those negative feelings surrounding past issues. Sometimes techniques designed to eliminate the physical and emotional symptoms associated with the trauma created by the negative event may work well. For instances, learning to recognize when and where you are holding tension in your body and learning to relieve or eliminate this tension may be enough to let go of the negativity and trauma from a past experience and move forward. It is believed that going back through regression can be somewhat re-traumatizing and if that can be avoided it seems worthwhile.
Age-Regression is when the hypnotist guides the client back to retrieve or re-experience memories that happened at an earlier age. This can be cathartic and there are some specific reasons why this is done. It is sometimes very effective in resolving issues. As the client sees and experiences events from the past, they are looking at them from a different perspective and seeing them in a different way with added resources for dealing with them and can therefore come away with different feelings and perhaps, an improved outcome or better perspective of the outcome. On the other hand, going back and re-living past traumas, experiencing those feelings again, can reignite traumas unnecessarily. It is also true that each time we go back to a past memory we change it and we may not be dealing accurately with things. How do we decide then if using age regression is the best choice?
There is not one right answer to this question. I think it depends on many factors and the decision will be very individual and may come somewhat intuitively. However, for me, there are some things that I consider. First, what is the client’s comfort level with going back and delving into those past traumas? Second, is there another way of addressing and dealing with the issues without using age-regression? If there is another way of dealing with the issues and resolving any undesirable feelings or behaviors associated with those issues, then I will choose not to do age-regression, unless the client is really wanting and expecting to experience it. It is always my goal to make the clients healing experience as trauma-free as possible. I try to set up the expectation that the treatment will be easy and not a difficult process with lots of pain and suffering involved. I have found that many clients do expect difficulty and suffering from their experiences with traditional psychotherapy and counseling and often dread the idea of going through such an experience. It seems obvious that re-traumatizing can do nothing, except hindering the healing process. It is always my goal to change that expectation and start things off with the client in a hopeful mindset with an expectation that issues will be easily and quickly resolved.
In many cases, issues can be resolved and feelings changed by dealing with the beliefs around a particular experience, rather than actually going back and recreating that time and experience. At other times, experiences can be reframed or energy can be refocused away from dwelling on those negative feelings surrounding past issues. Sometimes techniques designed to eliminate the physical and emotional symptoms associated with the trauma created by the negative event may work well. For instances, learning to recognize when and where you are holding tension in your body and learning to relieve or eliminate this tension may be enough to let go of the negativity and trauma from a past experience and move forward. It is believed that going back through regression can be somewhat re-traumatizing and if that can be avoided it seems worthwhile.
I have completed three different hypnotherapy training programs that emphasize handling things in different ways and have found positives in all of them. I have not found one that I believe does everything the best way in every situation, nor do I know that I have discovered the best way to handle every situation. I am constantly learning and finding new answers to these questions. I do rely strongly on my intuition in making these decisions, well as, constantly reading and talking with colleagues about their experience with various techniques. I am learning to trust intuition, along with adding continuously evolving knowledge, as I go along. I encounter new situations on a regular basis and continue to add more ways of effectively working with clients to my skills tool box. Hypnosis has been around for a long time and there is a huge amount of knowledge and many different approaches. There are numerous ways of dealing with some problems and all of them are successful in certain situations and with certain clients. There is not a one size fits all solution.
In conclusion, I have to say that in the right situation, a good age-regression can work very powerfully and effectively. I have experienced it myself and have seen the lights go on very quickly for clients through an age-regression experience. It tends to dissolve past trauma and eliminate triggers effectively in many cases.
In conclusion, I have to say that in the right situation, a good age-regression can work very powerfully and effectively. I have experienced it myself and have seen the lights go on very quickly for clients through an age-regression experience. It tends to dissolve past trauma and eliminate triggers effectively in many cases.
Hypnosis has been shown to be as effective or more effective than other methods in stopping or eliminating bad habits. How and why does it work? It is not magic and still requires that the client be both willing to work and committed to making the change. However, a good hypnotist who also understands how the brain and our emotions work can help clients make quicker and more permanent change in stopping those undesirable habits. In a state of hypnosis, the client is relaxed into a trance or state where the subconscious is more accessible and open to suggestion. The subconscious is a taskmaster and takes on what we ask or program it to do. This is where the hypnotherapists understanding of the brain is important to the client’s success in eliminating bad habits. The language and focus of the suggestions or directions to the subconscious are important, as well as, tapping into and neutralizing the client’s emotions around the change process. Hypnosis can give these efforts a boost by tapping into to the subconscious mind and putting it to work for us. Neuroscience tells us that we change by forming new neural pathways and respond in new ways on a continued or repeated basis. The best way then to end or eliminate a habit is to replace it with a new more desirable habit or pattern of response forming a new neural pathway. If we do this the chances are very high that we will be successful.
While self-discipline is a needed and important aspect of creating the behaviors we desire, pure willpower is not a very effective way of stopping or ending undesirable behavior. The reason is simple - it is simply not the way our brain works. We do not form new neural pathways by saying stop to ourselves and our brain does not stop responding to stimuli and following those well-worn pathways we are trying to change. Despite our will to do otherwise, our brain does what it has been doing in a very automatic way. Repeated diligently enough we will form a habit of saying “no” to a particular set of stimuli, but this is not as strong as forming a new rewarding behavior. In order to change those patterns, we must do something to change them and form new neural pathways.
“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -- Socrates character, “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” – Dan Millman
While self-discipline is a needed and important aspect of creating the behaviors we desire, pure willpower is not a very effective way of stopping or ending undesirable behavior. The reason is simple - it is simply not the way our brain works. We do not form new neural pathways by saying stop to ourselves and our brain does not stop responding to stimuli and following those well-worn pathways we are trying to change. Despite our will to do otherwise, our brain does what it has been doing in a very automatic way. Repeated diligently enough we will form a habit of saying “no” to a particular set of stimuli, but this is not as strong as forming a new rewarding behavior. In order to change those patterns, we must do something to change them and form new neural pathways.
“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -- Socrates character, “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” – Dan Millman
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A mountain of research has shown that habits are stronger than willpower in most cases. However, eliminating bad habits is still very possible and hypnosis used correctly can be very effective. It is both the ability to access our subconscious mind and put it to work on our side and the ability to visualize and experience a successful outcome effectively that leads to success. Hypnosis can also help in reducing the emotional stress and anxiety that is sometimes a part of that process. It is also true that if you do manage to use willpower to push yourself into eliminating a habit, the change is less likely to last. You get tired and slip back. However, if you can build a new habit, forming those new patterns and neural pathways, you can maintain that change long term and are less likely to fall back into the old behavior. For instances, when I decided to stop drinking diet soda, I substituted Chia Lattes and it was fairly easy and painless to make the change. My substitution decision was, however, a little flawed as I soon had a new bad habit of “chai lattes”, which are both sugar laden and expensive. I kicked chai lattes by forming a new habit of herbal teas and coffee. It was fairly easy and painless and I chose herbal teas that are actually good for me and an occasional cup of a great organic coffee that has an amazing mellow taste.
With the help of hypnosis, committed intent and an understanding of how the brain and emotions work, eliminating bad habits and replacing them with new and more desirable behaviors can be easy! Next time you want to stop doing something remember these simple fundamentals of neuroscience and find a good hypnotherapist to help you make the change easier!
With the help of hypnosis, committed intent and an understanding of how the brain and emotions work, eliminating bad habits and replacing them with new and more desirable behaviors can be easy! Next time you want to stop doing something remember these simple fundamentals of neuroscience and find a good hypnotherapist to help you make the change easier!
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Hypnosis has been shown to be effective in dealing with a wide range of trauma-related issues. It is helpful in dealing with trauma from abuse of many kinds, PTSD and traumas from abandonment, bullying and failures or losses. It is, in general, quicker and more effective than other types of counseling or psychotherapy. It is not for everyone, but if people are open to trying it the success rate is very good. How and why does Hypnosis work in dealing with trauma and how is it different than other ways of dealing with it. It is also noteworthy to say that there is more than one way of using hypnosis to deal with trauma. In some cases, regression may be used to deal successfully with trauma and in other cases no regression is needed and other techniques may be used for reframing and changing mindset, fears and releasing energies and memories associated with the past traumas.
It is worth noting that The British Medical Council, the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association have all endorsed hypnotherapy as a valid therapeutic procedure for the treatment of PTSD.
How exactly does it work? Every Experience (both positive and negative) is stored in our brain encoding in neural connections. In our brain’s organizing system experiences or memories of a similar nature are stored or linked to those that are similar in nature. That is why a stimulus from one memory may bring up a similar memory or situation. The stimuli (such as sound, smell, song, color, voice tone) is called a trigger. An event that initiates trauma is different and usually painful and does not fall in with or connect easily with other life experiences. It is filed away in a special place, but still has its own set of stimuli associated with that event. Hypnosis can allow the patient to do a number of things which are helpful in healing trauma. First it is possible to isolate, retrieve and clarify the memory if needed. The client is looking at the trauma now from a more resourceful perspective and can allow them to see the situation resolved in a manner that brings calm, safety and a sense of accomplishment. Also, the client may be guided in visualizing a happy outcome and mastery over the fear or helplessness caused by the trauma. It can eliminate discomfort and anxiety and give the client the tools needed to reprogram their brain for better functioning and less anxiety and fear.
Hypnosis is powerful and deals with unlocking the subconscious mind. A qualified hypnotherapist can use it either by itself or in conjunct with other therapy. Knowing a lot about the client’s history and the nature of the trauma is very helpful in effectively using hypnosis. It must be used carefully. Defense mechanisms and blocking of traumatic memories serves a protective purpose and releasing these protective devices must be done with careful thought and intention. When done with a plan for replacing the panic with more positive and resourceful reactions it can be very helpful in permanently changing traumatic memory triggers.
In some cases, and with some clients it is possible to help the client look at the trauma from a new perspective where they are simply more capable and able to deal with the situation easily and without fear or panic. Seeing themselves in this new way will often be enough to eliminate future reaction to any triggers. Sometimes a past trauma may be modified with more information that was not available at the initial traumatizing event. This will often diminish its power.
So, the bottom line is that hypnosis is a tool that has the power to change and rewire the patterns and connections that stimulate the fear and panic reactions that are stored away in our subconscious. Through hypnosis those neural pathways can be replaced with more positive or resourceful reactions. It is a way of editing the story of the past, in order to create a better story in the present and the future.
It is worth noting that The British Medical Council, the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association have all endorsed hypnotherapy as a valid therapeutic procedure for the treatment of PTSD.
How exactly does it work? Every Experience (both positive and negative) is stored in our brain encoding in neural connections. In our brain’s organizing system experiences or memories of a similar nature are stored or linked to those that are similar in nature. That is why a stimulus from one memory may bring up a similar memory or situation. The stimuli (such as sound, smell, song, color, voice tone) is called a trigger. An event that initiates trauma is different and usually painful and does not fall in with or connect easily with other life experiences. It is filed away in a special place, but still has its own set of stimuli associated with that event. Hypnosis can allow the patient to do a number of things which are helpful in healing trauma. First it is possible to isolate, retrieve and clarify the memory if needed. The client is looking at the trauma now from a more resourceful perspective and can allow them to see the situation resolved in a manner that brings calm, safety and a sense of accomplishment. Also, the client may be guided in visualizing a happy outcome and mastery over the fear or helplessness caused by the trauma. It can eliminate discomfort and anxiety and give the client the tools needed to reprogram their brain for better functioning and less anxiety and fear.
Hypnosis is powerful and deals with unlocking the subconscious mind. A qualified hypnotherapist can use it either by itself or in conjunct with other therapy. Knowing a lot about the client’s history and the nature of the trauma is very helpful in effectively using hypnosis. It must be used carefully. Defense mechanisms and blocking of traumatic memories serves a protective purpose and releasing these protective devices must be done with careful thought and intention. When done with a plan for replacing the panic with more positive and resourceful reactions it can be very helpful in permanently changing traumatic memory triggers.
In some cases, and with some clients it is possible to help the client look at the trauma from a new perspective where they are simply more capable and able to deal with the situation easily and without fear or panic. Seeing themselves in this new way will often be enough to eliminate future reaction to any triggers. Sometimes a past trauma may be modified with more information that was not available at the initial traumatizing event. This will often diminish its power.
So, the bottom line is that hypnosis is a tool that has the power to change and rewire the patterns and connections that stimulate the fear and panic reactions that are stored away in our subconscious. Through hypnosis those neural pathways can be replaced with more positive or resourceful reactions. It is a way of editing the story of the past, in order to create a better story in the present and the future.
Hypnosis has been found to be very effective in the management and relief of pain. There are many studies and years of research to support this and many people who would attest to finding relief and being able to live their lives more productively through the use of hypnosis. The question then is how and why does hypnosis work so well for pain? To explain the very effective way hypnosis can help with pain management, we first have to understand what pain is and how it works in the communication system between our body and our brain. We have a very complex neural communication system that helps to keep us safe and healthy. According to the American Dictionary:
“Pain is an uncomfortable feeling that tells you something may be wrong. It can be steady, throbbing, stabbing, aching, pinching, or described in many other ways. Sometimes, it is just a nuisance, like a mild headache … Acute pain is usually severe and short-lived, and is often a signal that your body has been injured.”
The answer to the question “what is pain?” however, is more complex than you might think. You can not always draw a straight line between pain and damage or cause. Think of trauma or phantom limb pain where the painful body part no longer exists. It is complicated; however, scientists and neuroscience agree that pain is generally an unpleasant feeling that leads us to want to change our behavior and it is a very advanced protective mechanism.
Why is pain so complicated and generally misunderstood? How does it really work? First, pain is a signal transmitted by danger receptors or nociceptors that send alerts to the brain, but they do not send “pain”, because all pain is made by the brain. It is not the bruise on your knee or your broken arm or ankle that the “pain” is coming from. Pain is your brain’s evaluation of information or data, including danger from the detection system that uses such reference points and cognitive data as expectations, previous experience, beliefs, cultural and social norms and sensory data. In response, the brain produces pain as a signal, based on the information it has and sends out a signal to the body. It is usually fairly accurate, but sometimes does not have enough information or is relying on old information or patterns that are not totally accurate. There are all kinds of examples of our body getting signals that are not quite accurate, such as those mentioned above. However, most of the time pain is a good indicator that tells us not to lift or bend with our injured back, not to walk on our injured foot or to see a doctor or physical therapist to help with healing. The brain can also turn on pain or turn pain up when it receives evidence of danger and in this way is a protective mechanism. For instances, we might get a headache when we anticipate doing something that has previously caused us pain or injury.
Pain is additionally complicated because it is not just in the brain. The receptors or danger detectors that are the eyes of the brain are distributed across all the tissues of the body and form the neural system that is the brains messenger. This system is very sensitive to any changes in the body and ready to mobilize the body’s many mechanisms for alert, healing and repair. There are some conditions that can interfere with or inhibit optimal functioning of this system. There are substances that can numb the transmitters and allow severe tissue damage without indication of pain or heightened signals of pain when actual damage is not as severe as the pain would indicate. Inflammation in the body, for instance, actually causes pain to be signaled at a sensitivity level that is far greater than what is actually happening in the body compared to what would be felt if the inflammation were not present. That is why anti-inflammatories for reducing inflammations can reduce pain, even though the actual conditions, have not changed.
“Pain is an uncomfortable feeling that tells you something may be wrong. It can be steady, throbbing, stabbing, aching, pinching, or described in many other ways. Sometimes, it is just a nuisance, like a mild headache … Acute pain is usually severe and short-lived, and is often a signal that your body has been injured.”
The answer to the question “what is pain?” however, is more complex than you might think. You can not always draw a straight line between pain and damage or cause. Think of trauma or phantom limb pain where the painful body part no longer exists. It is complicated; however, scientists and neuroscience agree that pain is generally an unpleasant feeling that leads us to want to change our behavior and it is a very advanced protective mechanism.
Why is pain so complicated and generally misunderstood? How does it really work? First, pain is a signal transmitted by danger receptors or nociceptors that send alerts to the brain, but they do not send “pain”, because all pain is made by the brain. It is not the bruise on your knee or your broken arm or ankle that the “pain” is coming from. Pain is your brain’s evaluation of information or data, including danger from the detection system that uses such reference points and cognitive data as expectations, previous experience, beliefs, cultural and social norms and sensory data. In response, the brain produces pain as a signal, based on the information it has and sends out a signal to the body. It is usually fairly accurate, but sometimes does not have enough information or is relying on old information or patterns that are not totally accurate. There are all kinds of examples of our body getting signals that are not quite accurate, such as those mentioned above. However, most of the time pain is a good indicator that tells us not to lift or bend with our injured back, not to walk on our injured foot or to see a doctor or physical therapist to help with healing. The brain can also turn on pain or turn pain up when it receives evidence of danger and in this way is a protective mechanism. For instances, we might get a headache when we anticipate doing something that has previously caused us pain or injury.
Pain is additionally complicated because it is not just in the brain. The receptors or danger detectors that are the eyes of the brain are distributed across all the tissues of the body and form the neural system that is the brains messenger. This system is very sensitive to any changes in the body and ready to mobilize the body’s many mechanisms for alert, healing and repair. There are some conditions that can interfere with or inhibit optimal functioning of this system. There are substances that can numb the transmitters and allow severe tissue damage without indication of pain or heightened signals of pain when actual damage is not as severe as the pain would indicate. Inflammation in the body, for instance, actually causes pain to be signaled at a sensitivity level that is far greater than what is actually happening in the body compared to what would be felt if the inflammation were not present. That is why anti-inflammatories for reducing inflammations can reduce pain, even though the actual conditions, have not changed.
An example of how pain works that made a strong impression on me was a story I heard when I sat next to a Physical Therapist on a plane trip from Seattle to Boston. He explained pain to me this way:
Jared said, - His friend, who was an avid hiker in the Northwest went on a trip to Costa Rica. Since he hiked a lot in areas where there were no trails he was used to little pricks and scraps from bushes and underbrush and knew that is generally was not an indication of serious injury. So, when on a hike in Costa Rica he felt a prick on his ankle, he thought nothing of it. Not too long later, he found his ankle and leg swelling, painful and was unable to walk on it. His guides informed him that he had been bitten by a very deadly snake. He had to be airlifted back to the US and barely survived. It did not deter him from hiking, which he loved. However, on a hike in the Northwest, shortly after this incident he felt a prick similar to what he had felt in Costa Rica and even though he knew there were no deadly snakes to be bitten by, his ankle and leg swelled up and felt very much like it had when he had been bitten by the snake. The brain was going with the most recent data and information it had recently and decided that “the last time we felt this, we almost died” and so there was significant danger involved and sent signals and “pain” replicating that previous circumstances, even though in fact there was no substantial real danger at that time.
The Physical Therapist’s explanation made a strong impression on me and helped me both in understanding pain and understanding how hypnosis can be effective in helping to manage and relieve it. The next question then is, how does hypnosis work with the body and the brain in managing pain? This in no ways means that when we experience pain, we are imagining it, but that the body signals danger and draws from experience, so sometimes the signals do not mean what they seem to and that we can take control of those signals to our advantage to help in managing pain under certain circumstances.
Hypnosis is actually a heightened state of focus and awareness and is not sleep or an altered state of mind control, as popular belief has led us to believe. During hypnosis the patient is completely aware of what is going on and can stop the process at any time. The client must trust the hypnotist for the process to be effective, but hypnosis is actually a very normal process that occurs in our daily lives. During hypnosis subjects are very responsive to suggestion and this can be used in a positive way by the hypnotist with regard to pain. Relaxation, focused attention, creative imaginary and some hypnotic phenomena are used in hypnosis to help the patient manage and relieve pain, usually very effectively, using the body's own mechanisms.
An article from June 2012, http://theconversation.com/explainer-how-does-hypnosis-relieve-pain-7060 explains the technical way this works with some advanced measurement tools we now are able to use:
Advances in brain function imaging using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and positron emission tomography (PET) scanning techniques have allowed us to see that hypnosis modulates activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, which links the limbic (emotions) and sensory cortical areas of the brain during hypnotic pain relief. This appears to allow sensations that would normally be experienced as painful to no longer have the suffering or negative emotions that would normally be associated with them.
A labor contraction, for example, can be felt as either the most terrifying and painful of sensations or a wonderfully fulfilling experience that tells the mother she is getting closer to her baby. These very different perceptions may be experienced despite the intensity of uterine contractions being identical.
This is really amazing evidence that hypnosis is effective in allowing us to get a handle on pain and better manage and use this amazing system that our body already has in place to help us in dealing with danger, injury and illness and to help keep us safe and in good health. As a hypnotherapist, I recently updated my certifications with advanced training and certification in Medical Hypnosis from the ICBCH. It is so gratifying to help people in dealing with pain and its immense impact on the quality of our lives. www.soulfirewisdom.com
Jared said, - His friend, who was an avid hiker in the Northwest went on a trip to Costa Rica. Since he hiked a lot in areas where there were no trails he was used to little pricks and scraps from bushes and underbrush and knew that is generally was not an indication of serious injury. So, when on a hike in Costa Rica he felt a prick on his ankle, he thought nothing of it. Not too long later, he found his ankle and leg swelling, painful and was unable to walk on it. His guides informed him that he had been bitten by a very deadly snake. He had to be airlifted back to the US and barely survived. It did not deter him from hiking, which he loved. However, on a hike in the Northwest, shortly after this incident he felt a prick similar to what he had felt in Costa Rica and even though he knew there were no deadly snakes to be bitten by, his ankle and leg swelled up and felt very much like it had when he had been bitten by the snake. The brain was going with the most recent data and information it had recently and decided that “the last time we felt this, we almost died” and so there was significant danger involved and sent signals and “pain” replicating that previous circumstances, even though in fact there was no substantial real danger at that time.
The Physical Therapist’s explanation made a strong impression on me and helped me both in understanding pain and understanding how hypnosis can be effective in helping to manage and relieve it. The next question then is, how does hypnosis work with the body and the brain in managing pain? This in no ways means that when we experience pain, we are imagining it, but that the body signals danger and draws from experience, so sometimes the signals do not mean what they seem to and that we can take control of those signals to our advantage to help in managing pain under certain circumstances.
Hypnosis is actually a heightened state of focus and awareness and is not sleep or an altered state of mind control, as popular belief has led us to believe. During hypnosis the patient is completely aware of what is going on and can stop the process at any time. The client must trust the hypnotist for the process to be effective, but hypnosis is actually a very normal process that occurs in our daily lives. During hypnosis subjects are very responsive to suggestion and this can be used in a positive way by the hypnotist with regard to pain. Relaxation, focused attention, creative imaginary and some hypnotic phenomena are used in hypnosis to help the patient manage and relieve pain, usually very effectively, using the body's own mechanisms.
An article from June 2012, http://theconversation.com/explainer-how-does-hypnosis-relieve-pain-7060 explains the technical way this works with some advanced measurement tools we now are able to use:
Advances in brain function imaging using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and positron emission tomography (PET) scanning techniques have allowed us to see that hypnosis modulates activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, which links the limbic (emotions) and sensory cortical areas of the brain during hypnotic pain relief. This appears to allow sensations that would normally be experienced as painful to no longer have the suffering or negative emotions that would normally be associated with them.
A labor contraction, for example, can be felt as either the most terrifying and painful of sensations or a wonderfully fulfilling experience that tells the mother she is getting closer to her baby. These very different perceptions may be experienced despite the intensity of uterine contractions being identical.
This is really amazing evidence that hypnosis is effective in allowing us to get a handle on pain and better manage and use this amazing system that our body already has in place to help us in dealing with danger, injury and illness and to help keep us safe and in good health. As a hypnotherapist, I recently updated my certifications with advanced training and certification in Medical Hypnosis from the ICBCH. It is so gratifying to help people in dealing with pain and its immense impact on the quality of our lives. www.soulfirewisdom.com
It is a long-held belief that there is some kind of magic or wizardry to hypnosis, a kind of woo-woo that is beyond explanation and certainly out of the whelm of logic and science. Is this the case or has hypnosis gotten a bad rap? Personally, I do believe that there is a magic to hypnosis, but it is not the type of magic that involves hocus pocus and woo-woo wizardry. It is more the magic of the mind and going beyond previously established limitations. It is the astounding and miraculous realization that we do not know the powerful limits of the mind and the human spirit. Through hypnosis we can explore these limits and, in that regard, it is a magical tool. This statement from the North Carolina Society of Hypnotherapists http://nchypnosis.org/what-is-hypnosis/)
characterizes hypnosis well:
“It’s not like what you see in the movies.
Hypnosis is a natural state of selective, focused attention, and, even though it is 100% natural and normal, it remains one of the most fascinating phenomena of the human mind. Our ability to enter this unique state of consciousness opens the door to countless possibilities for healing, self-exploration and change. Hypnosis, called by different names in different cultures and times, has been recognized for thousands of years and used for many purposes.”
characterizes hypnosis well:
“It’s not like what you see in the movies.
Hypnosis is a natural state of selective, focused attention, and, even though it is 100% natural and normal, it remains one of the most fascinating phenomena of the human mind. Our ability to enter this unique state of consciousness opens the door to countless possibilities for healing, self-exploration and change. Hypnosis, called by different names in different cultures and times, has been recognized for thousands of years and used for many purposes.”
When we watch stage hypnosis we are further led to believe that hypnosis is, at least, slight of hand, if not wizardry. It implies that people can be led to do things they would not otherwise do and perhaps they are unaware of and unwilling participates in the process. This is definitely not the case and a huge misconception. We cannot be controlled or made to do anything we are not willing to do while hypnotized. Hypnosis is actually a state of heightened awareness. It is a state of suggestibility, but no one can be made to do anything that is against their will or values. People will sometimes go along with what is being suggested to them, but it is a matter of choice and they probably have some inclination to want to experience whatever they are participating in.
How does hypnosis actually work and what is magical about it? Hypnosis works using relaxation, focused attention, creative imagery, neuro-patterning and hypnotic phenomena to reach a state of heightened awareness and suggestibility bypassing the conscience mind and putting us in direct contact with the powerful sub-conscious mind. We are constantly discovering new limits to what can be done with the sub-conscious mind. For instances, with hypnosis time travel is an everyday occurrence. We take our clients on a journey backward or forward in their lives and sometimes even beyond and through this “time travel” produce amazing healing and emotional release. We help our clients release trauma and erase the wounds of the past. We can future pace them to achieving goals and dreams they once believed to be impossible. There is no stronger magic or more powerful wizardry than giving people the power to create their own reality and success. In my own practice, I call myself a “Change Adventure Navigator”, as I guide my clients through this amazing journey to places they have never been and anywhere they want to go. To our sub-conscious minds imagining an experience is as powerful and has the same effects as the actual experience.
The beauty of hypnosis is that it takes advantage of the natural mechanisms of our mind/body integration and is largely a process of clearing away the dysfunction and setting us back on our natural course. It is a process that uses how things work to achieve desired results. With hypnosis we can time travel, fly, be anything or anyone we might imagine and become our own Super Hero! What could be more magical?
“I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith.” --
R. A. SALVATORE, Streams of Silver
How does hypnosis actually work and what is magical about it? Hypnosis works using relaxation, focused attention, creative imagery, neuro-patterning and hypnotic phenomena to reach a state of heightened awareness and suggestibility bypassing the conscience mind and putting us in direct contact with the powerful sub-conscious mind. We are constantly discovering new limits to what can be done with the sub-conscious mind. For instances, with hypnosis time travel is an everyday occurrence. We take our clients on a journey backward or forward in their lives and sometimes even beyond and through this “time travel” produce amazing healing and emotional release. We help our clients release trauma and erase the wounds of the past. We can future pace them to achieving goals and dreams they once believed to be impossible. There is no stronger magic or more powerful wizardry than giving people the power to create their own reality and success. In my own practice, I call myself a “Change Adventure Navigator”, as I guide my clients through this amazing journey to places they have never been and anywhere they want to go. To our sub-conscious minds imagining an experience is as powerful and has the same effects as the actual experience.
The beauty of hypnosis is that it takes advantage of the natural mechanisms of our mind/body integration and is largely a process of clearing away the dysfunction and setting us back on our natural course. It is a process that uses how things work to achieve desired results. With hypnosis we can time travel, fly, be anything or anyone we might imagine and become our own Super Hero! What could be more magical?
“I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith.” --
R. A. SALVATORE, Streams of Silver
When I went to training for my Life Coach Certification, which included hypnosis, I was open to learning hypnosis and I believed that it worked for some people, but like many others, I was a skeptic about what could be accomplished with hypnosis and specifically, whether I could be hypnotized. I also had some typical misconceptions about what hypnosis was and how it would feel to hypnotized. Therefore, it is no surprise to me that many other people and some of my potential clients have these views about hypnosis. I have expanded my views to become a big fan of what can be accomplished with this wonderful tool and an advocate for its many uses. As a practitioner, hypnosis allows me to help clients work through issues and make changes to get results in remarkably short time periods. I am able to help clients when everything else has failed and to do so in a way that avoids much of the pain and suffering that tends to be part of some other processes.
Getting back to the question, “Who Can Be Hypnotized? – with a few qualifications, almost everyone who is willing and open to being hypnotized can be hypnotized. Everyone does experience this wonderful state of enhanced or expanded awareness in a very natural way in their daily lives. Most people go into this natural, self-induced state of hypnosis frequently. It is a break, in a way, from all the distractions and demands on our attention. Yes, this is different than being led into a hypnotic state by a qualified hypnotist and allowing one’s self to experience hypnosis in this way is somewhat more difficult for some. We go into a natural state of hypnotic trance without even thinking about it when certain circumstances present themselves. To be hypnotized we must allow ourselves by agreement and trust to be led to this state by another. This is the part that can get tricky and thus, results in some people being more resistant to moving into a state of hypnotic trance than others. It is also the aspect of “thinking” that can confuse the process and cause some people to resist transitioning into a hypnotic state. When we go into hypnosis naturally, we do so without thinking and thinking can get in the way. Our mind is, contrary to common belief, a single process mechanism with regard to what it can handle. Therefore, when we are busy engaging our conscious mind with thinking, we have difficulty switching over to the subconscious mind and slipping into that state of hypnotic trance that is fairly automatic. It is like trying to put your car on auto-pilot and steer at the same time. It just doesn’t work or defeats the purpose. Some people are reluctant to allow this transition, as it feels like giving up control, rather than going to a higher level of focus, as it actually is. For some it feels like they are giving over control to someone else and although this is incorrect, it feels that way and is therefore, difficult. Finally, there are the people who actually do go into a state of hypnosis, but don’t believe that they have been hypnotized because it just feels too normal to them and they expect it to feel different than it actually does. There are many factors that have influenced people to believe that they will be in some sort of other-worldly state of trance where they are being controlled by others or in a zombie-like state of being where something happens that is beyond their control. This is just not what hypnosis is and how it feels.
Getting back to the question, “Who Can Be Hypnotized? – with a few qualifications, almost everyone who is willing and open to being hypnotized can be hypnotized. Everyone does experience this wonderful state of enhanced or expanded awareness in a very natural way in their daily lives. Most people go into this natural, self-induced state of hypnosis frequently. It is a break, in a way, from all the distractions and demands on our attention. Yes, this is different than being led into a hypnotic state by a qualified hypnotist and allowing one’s self to experience hypnosis in this way is somewhat more difficult for some. We go into a natural state of hypnotic trance without even thinking about it when certain circumstances present themselves. To be hypnotized we must allow ourselves by agreement and trust to be led to this state by another. This is the part that can get tricky and thus, results in some people being more resistant to moving into a state of hypnotic trance than others. It is also the aspect of “thinking” that can confuse the process and cause some people to resist transitioning into a hypnotic state. When we go into hypnosis naturally, we do so without thinking and thinking can get in the way. Our mind is, contrary to common belief, a single process mechanism with regard to what it can handle. Therefore, when we are busy engaging our conscious mind with thinking, we have difficulty switching over to the subconscious mind and slipping into that state of hypnotic trance that is fairly automatic. It is like trying to put your car on auto-pilot and steer at the same time. It just doesn’t work or defeats the purpose. Some people are reluctant to allow this transition, as it feels like giving up control, rather than going to a higher level of focus, as it actually is. For some it feels like they are giving over control to someone else and although this is incorrect, it feels that way and is therefore, difficult. Finally, there are the people who actually do go into a state of hypnosis, but don’t believe that they have been hypnotized because it just feels too normal to them and they expect it to feel different than it actually does. There are many factors that have influenced people to believe that they will be in some sort of other-worldly state of trance where they are being controlled by others or in a zombie-like state of being where something happens that is beyond their control. This is just not what hypnosis is and how it feels.
What is needed then, if almost anyone can be hypnotized, for someone to be hypnotized? To be hypnotized these conditions must be present:
These are the only two conditions that must be present, but there are other requisites that are very helpful. These would include the hypnotist being good at their craft and able to use different techniques to help different clients move into the hypnotic trance and the client trusting the hypnotherapist and allowing themselves to relax into hypnosis as stated above.
It isn’t very complicated. Everyone can go into hypnosis if they want to. You have done it so many times naturally in your life already and professional or therapeutic hypnotherapy is simply using this heightened state of awareness as a resource in helping you to work through issues that you want to resolve while you are in your most resourceful state and have the ability to resolve things quickly with great clarity. Yes, even you, can probably be hypnotized if you decide you want to be hypnotized. Find a qualified hypnotherapist that you can trust, feel comfortable following their instructions and choose to allow yourself to move in this wonderful state of heightened awareness. And yes, you can accomplish amazing things in this state. If what you want to accomplish is realistic and you believe it is achievable you will find it surprisingly easy.
- The subject must be conscious and willing to be hypnotized
- The subject is of normal intelligence and able to follow simple instructions
These are the only two conditions that must be present, but there are other requisites that are very helpful. These would include the hypnotist being good at their craft and able to use different techniques to help different clients move into the hypnotic trance and the client trusting the hypnotherapist and allowing themselves to relax into hypnosis as stated above.
It isn’t very complicated. Everyone can go into hypnosis if they want to. You have done it so many times naturally in your life already and professional or therapeutic hypnotherapy is simply using this heightened state of awareness as a resource in helping you to work through issues that you want to resolve while you are in your most resourceful state and have the ability to resolve things quickly with great clarity. Yes, even you, can probably be hypnotized if you decide you want to be hypnotized. Find a qualified hypnotherapist that you can trust, feel comfortable following their instructions and choose to allow yourself to move in this wonderful state of heightened awareness. And yes, you can accomplish amazing things in this state. If what you want to accomplish is realistic and you believe it is achievable you will find it surprisingly easy.
Most practitioners and even people who are casually exposed to NLP or Neurolinguistics Programming methods are often amazed by how impactful it is and how quickly change can be achieved. How does this happen and why? NLP is not just a single technique, but a whole set of techniques and tools that take into consideration how our brain and all of our senses work together to communicate and form our perception of both the world around us and the world within us. NLP was developed in the early 1970's by Dr. Richard Bandler and Dr. John Grinder. In the course of their studies they drew from the work of the best in a number of different disciplines taking into consideration what was most successful. They used the work of others and analyzed the results to come up with systems that do seem to work fairly reliably. In fact, neuroscience is now giving us the why's behind some of what has been working for a long time. NLP has been used, not just in psychology and counseling, but in many other fields where communication and relationships are important like sales, management, teaching and even entertainment. Tony Robbins uses it routinely in his work and speaking and many other motivational speakers, trainers, teachers, preachers and even politicians are quite expert in using it. It is usually used ethically with good intent, but can be used with less integrity too. Examples would be for the purpose or brain washing or propaganda. Unknowing subjects can be negatively impacted by those using it with no integrity. It is a powerful tool and used positively we can create change and influence in important areas of our lives. Let's talk about the good purposes and the seeming magic that can be achieved. It can be such a wonderful tool for healing and change.
NLP training is usually broken into two 7 or 8 full-day sessions just to give you the basics, so you might guess there are a lot of tools and techniques involved and we are only going to talk about a few here to give you an idea of how it works and has such a strong impact. Really mastering and applying the techniques is an art in itself and that is why a skilled practitioner can be so helpful in guiding you with NLP.
In this article, we are going to talk about anchoring, contextual reframing and mental rehearsal. These are all quite simple, but when practiced it will surprise you how fast and effective they can be. There are literally hundreds of techniques and some get more complex. They are also quite flexible and after learning NLP, you will easily be able to modify and customize these tools to fit the situation or if you are a practitioner, the client.
NLP training is usually broken into two 7 or 8 full-day sessions just to give you the basics, so you might guess there are a lot of tools and techniques involved and we are only going to talk about a few here to give you an idea of how it works and has such a strong impact. Really mastering and applying the techniques is an art in itself and that is why a skilled practitioner can be so helpful in guiding you with NLP.
In this article, we are going to talk about anchoring, contextual reframing and mental rehearsal. These are all quite simple, but when practiced it will surprise you how fast and effective they can be. There are literally hundreds of techniques and some get more complex. They are also quite flexible and after learning NLP, you will easily be able to modify and customize these tools to fit the situation or if you are a practitioner, the client.
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Let’s start with anchoring, sometimes called States and Anchors. It is a way to change your state (or how you are feeling emotionally) by experiencing the feelings from another time and place. Anchoring is used frequently in many different ways. Sometimes it is just to set a pleasant and positive state to return to or guide your client to whenever needed. You bring your client to a state of relaxation and then ask them to remember or imagine a pleasant enjoyable and relaxing place or situation from anytime in their past. Take them through remembering this time with all of their senses and when they are completely relaxed and immersed in this pleasant memory, gently tap on their shoulder, have them rub their fingers (thumb & forefinger) together, snap your fingers or any other indicator signal and suggest that whenever they want to return to this pleasant state they can simply rub their finger together (or whatever you used) and they will be brought back automatically to this pleasant memory and the associated feelings. With this tool someone can learn to go to this pleasant place whenever they are confronted with a negative or unpleasant trigger. The more times this is practiced the more automatic it becomes. You can also use something like an anchor stone that the client can hold in their hand during this process and whenever they hold the stone again, they can re-experience the same feelings and memories.
Contextual Reframing is another great technique. An example of this would be changing the way someone thinks about or perceives something without altering the actual circumstance. One day a client with feelings of low self-esteem was telling me about feeling out of place when she went to her networking group. She was much younger than most of the other members and saw them as having more professional and important businesses than she did. She said, “I’m just a lowly dog walker and they were all professionals.” I said, “Were there any other 23-year-old women who had their own successful business doing something they really loved at the meeting?” She looked surprised and then smiled slightly and I knew she got the point and was seeing things from a new and different perspective.
Contextual Reframing is another great technique. An example of this would be changing the way someone thinks about or perceives something without altering the actual circumstance. One day a client with feelings of low self-esteem was telling me about feeling out of place when she went to her networking group. She was much younger than most of the other members and saw them as having more professional and important businesses than she did. She said, “I’m just a lowly dog walker and they were all professionals.” I said, “Were there any other 23-year-old women who had their own successful business doing something they really loved at the meeting?” She looked surprised and then smiled slightly and I knew she got the point and was seeing things from a new and different perspective.
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Finally, Mental Rehearsal is a great technique most of us have probably used to some extent, but that can be honed to produce excellent results amazingly quickly. The truth is, what we imagine internally produces the same neurological experience for us as when we do something in real-time. Therefore, if we can imagine doing something in just the way we would like to perform when we actually do it, it is a form of training and results in performance improvements very close to actual practice. As they say, “practice makes perfect”, so the more we rehearse or practice mentally, the more improvement we will see in our physical or real-time performance. I don’t always remember this, but I have done this and found it to work well, even before I knew it was an NLP technique. I had a guest on my radio show who used this NLP technique to become a pro-golfer very quickly. She then wrote a book about how you can do this too, using NLP. This can be applied to almost any area of performance or learning. Pro-Athletes and Olympians use it all the time.
Hopefully, these 3 simple techniques give you an idea of how NLP can help people to make changes and achieve goals very quickly. To a great extent it is a matter of having the knowledge and being aware of how to use it to your best advantage. With that knowledge and awareness there is no limit to what you can accomplish. Give these simple techniques a try and I am betting you will want to come back and learn more techniques and how NLP can help you up level your performance and achieve your life goals.
Hopefully, these 3 simple techniques give you an idea of how NLP can help people to make changes and achieve goals very quickly. To a great extent it is a matter of having the knowledge and being aware of how to use it to your best advantage. With that knowledge and awareness there is no limit to what you can accomplish. Give these simple techniques a try and I am betting you will want to come back and learn more techniques and how NLP can help you up level your performance and achieve your life goals.
NLP or Neuro-linguistics Programming is really an immense toolbox of techniques and resources that use the way our brain and senses work and interact to help in achieving a desired outcome. It is based on the research and studies of its founders Dr. Richard Bandler and Dr. John Grinder. NLP has been around since the 1970"s and has grown to be used by many successful people, companies and, not surprisingly, in the field of education. It has recently been backed up by research and studies in the field of Neuroscience, which have supported some of its basic hypotheses and premises. Some of the NLP techniques practitioners of NLP and Hypnosis have been using for decades intersect with other popular modalities, such as, Mindfulness, Law of Attraction, Emotional Freedom Technique, Timeline Therapy and more. Some would surmise that NLP and all of these modalities have their roots in prior schools of thought and I would not argue with that. Learning and all progress is without question an evolving process. NLP techniques are being used to help children learn more, faster and with better comprehension and retention. Long ago, Buddha said:
“all that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is
everything. What we think we become.” --The Buddha
If we believe this is true, it is apparent how intentionally shaping our thoughts through the use of NLP can be a remarkable tool for teaching and education. In general, kids are the perfect target audience for learning with NLP. They are motivated, open and active learners. They take in the world around them and what is going on in it, quite naturally. They absorb information like a sponge absorbs water. How can NLP contribute to and enhance this natural state that kids enjoy? How can it fit into our educational systems to make processes easier or even be used by parents to help in teaching their children?
“all that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is
everything. What we think we become.” --The Buddha
If we believe this is true, it is apparent how intentionally shaping our thoughts through the use of NLP can be a remarkable tool for teaching and education. In general, kids are the perfect target audience for learning with NLP. They are motivated, open and active learners. They take in the world around them and what is going on in it, quite naturally. They absorb information like a sponge absorbs water. How can NLP contribute to and enhance this natural state that kids enjoy? How can it fit into our educational systems to make processes easier or even be used by parents to help in teaching their children?
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NLP is a wonderful tool for teaching children because it teaches them to use their brain to be able to express themselves well and understand others with language skills and it gives them a strong foundation for life-long learning. NLP gives your child tools for learning that help to maintain strong confidence and self-esteem. NLP uses children’s natural perceptual senses. It uses and expands children’s imagination and creativity. NLP can be used to calm children, motivate them, build confidence or establish trust. All of these are optimal conditions for education and learning. Techniques sometimes need to be modified for children, but most of the techniques used with adults are also effective with kids.
Some effective NLP techniques to use with children are:
1. Anchoring – It is setting a positive association that can be used when you want to replace a negative or traumatic feeling with a more positive or resourceful state.
2. Framing – setting a scenario and criteria that allow practice and achievement.
3. Metaphor and Story-Telling – this is so fun and appeals to children’s imagination and is also very effective for learning important lessons.
4. Visualization – If you can see it, you can do it. This is true for children, as well as, adults and if your child is visual it will work well.
5. Intrinsic and Extrinsic Rewards – finding those rewards that are important to
your child will make a big difference in their motivation and willingness to learn well as, the speed and retention of learning.
6. Modeling – this is an excellent technique for behavior change and can be used so imaginatively to make a strong impression.
These are just a few NLP techniques out of hundreds that can be used to help children learn better and faster. With a little effort most NLP techniques can be used effectively with kids and the results have been amazing. Kate Benson, in an accomplished and licensed Trainer’s Trainer for the NLP Society and also that Director of Education for that organization founded by NLP co-founder, Dr. Richard Bandler. Benson said this, “Why aren’t we using NLP in education?” Dr. Bandler and Kate Benson recently released the co-authored a book: Teaching Excellence. Dr. Bandler said this of Kate Benson:
“Kate Benson is an expert in applying NLP in the education sector.
She is thoroughly organized, highly skilled and the love for what she
teaches comes across in her presentations. I guarantee you will
thoroughly enjoyable the experience”. – Dr. Richard Bandler
In addition to her position with the NLP Society, Kate Benson is the founder of NLPkids.com and is one of the foremost leaders in using NLP in education for teaching kids. Kate says this regarding Teaching Excellence:
"Just Imagine You could radically transform how quickly and easily you and your students could learn
Just imagine You were equipped with the tools to entertain and captivate the attention of your audience
Just imagine You had the secrets of Teaching Excellence!!”
I am sure you can imagine how powerful that would be and that is how powerful NLP is in the area of learning and using it with kids offers an amazing opportunity to lift them to an attitude & mindset of unlimited life-long learning and opportunity.
Some effective NLP techniques to use with children are:
1. Anchoring – It is setting a positive association that can be used when you want to replace a negative or traumatic feeling with a more positive or resourceful state.
2. Framing – setting a scenario and criteria that allow practice and achievement.
3. Metaphor and Story-Telling – this is so fun and appeals to children’s imagination and is also very effective for learning important lessons.
4. Visualization – If you can see it, you can do it. This is true for children, as well as, adults and if your child is visual it will work well.
5. Intrinsic and Extrinsic Rewards – finding those rewards that are important to
your child will make a big difference in their motivation and willingness to learn well as, the speed and retention of learning.
6. Modeling – this is an excellent technique for behavior change and can be used so imaginatively to make a strong impression.
These are just a few NLP techniques out of hundreds that can be used to help children learn better and faster. With a little effort most NLP techniques can be used effectively with kids and the results have been amazing. Kate Benson, in an accomplished and licensed Trainer’s Trainer for the NLP Society and also that Director of Education for that organization founded by NLP co-founder, Dr. Richard Bandler. Benson said this, “Why aren’t we using NLP in education?” Dr. Bandler and Kate Benson recently released the co-authored a book: Teaching Excellence. Dr. Bandler said this of Kate Benson:
“Kate Benson is an expert in applying NLP in the education sector.
She is thoroughly organized, highly skilled and the love for what she
teaches comes across in her presentations. I guarantee you will
thoroughly enjoyable the experience”. – Dr. Richard Bandler
In addition to her position with the NLP Society, Kate Benson is the founder of NLPkids.com and is one of the foremost leaders in using NLP in education for teaching kids. Kate says this regarding Teaching Excellence:
"Just Imagine You could radically transform how quickly and easily you and your students could learn
Just imagine You were equipped with the tools to entertain and captivate the attention of your audience
Just imagine You had the secrets of Teaching Excellence!!”
I am sure you can imagine how powerful that would be and that is how powerful NLP is in the area of learning and using it with kids offers an amazing opportunity to lift them to an attitude & mindset of unlimited life-long learning and opportunity.
Watch your words! This is a warning that many hear early, probably as a child, in warnings about how we speak and the words we use. It is truer and more impactful than we probably realize at the time. Our words and how we use them, however, affect us and the people around us powerfully. Some people never realize the power of their words and others realize it and use that power in reckless or harmful ways. Take a minute and see what comes to mind when you try to remember words or phrases, things that someone said that affected you in a powerful or memorable way. Then, think for a minute about why those words or phrases were so powerful. Was it the tone, volume, the meaning or something else? Now think about why you remembered those particular words and what you felt or feel about them now. What was the affect they had? How long ago were those words spoken? Why did you remember them or carry them forward with you? Unfortunately, more often than not, the words or phrases that we remember, the ones that make a big impact and stay with us far into the future are negative, loud and/or angry. Often times they are said in times that are traumatic, embarrassing or make us feel intimidated or fearful in some way. Those seem to be the words that most often stay with us, with the opposite type of words, the kind, gentle, soft, encouraging and affectionate words said in softness, affection, praise and encouragement coming in a distant second. We let them slip away. Yes, if we think hard enough those words are there too, but they usually don’t come to mind first. They seem to be dominated or over-whelmed by those other louder, more critical and negative words. This is powerful knowledge. Both for being aware of what we say and how we say it, but for evaluating and filtering the impact of our memories. People say things they don’t mean in ways they would never want them to be remembered and yet, that is exactly what happens!
As a coach and hypnotherapist, I have clients tell me in tears or on the verge of tears something that a parent said 30 or more years ago or a now ex-spouse said a decade ago and it is, as if, it was said yesterday in the emotional pain it brings back. When people dwell on these memories of words, often said thoughtlessly, and in a moments of anger, it causes them unneeded anguish and suffering. It is necessary to learn to take the power away from those words, just as it is necessary to learn to use them better to avoid some of this needless pain and anguish they can cause.
Most of the time words are used thoughtlessly and not meant to inflict long term damage on their recipients. Some people do use them very intentionally to inflict pain and these people are often abusive in other ways as well, but we all at times use words and language in ways that inflict unintended damage. This can probably not be entirely avoided, but if we become more aware of what we are saying and how we are saying it, it is a step in the right direction. Especially with very young children, as what they hear becomes how they will speak to others. Even if language is not directed at them, for instance, a child who hears their parents arguing and saying angry things to one another will feel angrier and more hostile and may direct those feelings outward toward others or inward toward themselves. It is also true that it is the underlying feelings that are most impactful and not the words themselves. We feel that energy in a powerful way.
As a coach and hypnotherapist, I have clients tell me in tears or on the verge of tears something that a parent said 30 or more years ago or a now ex-spouse said a decade ago and it is, as if, it was said yesterday in the emotional pain it brings back. When people dwell on these memories of words, often said thoughtlessly, and in a moments of anger, it causes them unneeded anguish and suffering. It is necessary to learn to take the power away from those words, just as it is necessary to learn to use them better to avoid some of this needless pain and anguish they can cause.
Most of the time words are used thoughtlessly and not meant to inflict long term damage on their recipients. Some people do use them very intentionally to inflict pain and these people are often abusive in other ways as well, but we all at times use words and language in ways that inflict unintended damage. This can probably not be entirely avoided, but if we become more aware of what we are saying and how we are saying it, it is a step in the right direction. Especially with very young children, as what they hear becomes how they will speak to others. Even if language is not directed at them, for instance, a child who hears their parents arguing and saying angry things to one another will feel angrier and more hostile and may direct those feelings outward toward others or inward toward themselves. It is also true that it is the underlying feelings that are most impactful and not the words themselves. We feel that energy in a powerful way.
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I had a client break down in tears when I let her know that cancelling an appointment at the last minute impacted me and my schedule. I did not say it in a loud, angry or overly critical way, but wanted to make clear that it was not acceptable. She was a mature adult, so I hardly expected this reaction. However, coming from an abusive and overly-critical upbringing, something in my tone and the disappointment she sensed in my voice brought back for her the feelings she felt as a child of never being able to please her parents or do the right thing and thus, the overly emotional reaction. We talked about it and it surprised me how convinced she was that I was angry at her. I simply wanted her to let me know in advance in the future, if she needed to cancel or change an appointment. We worked on changing up her filtering system and trying to avoid those early experiences as a basis for judging the behaviors and intentions of others.
I had to look at the possibility of my tone and words conveying more judgement or emotion than I intended them to, as well. Having had a critical and controlling Mother, myself, that is something that would come naturally to me. I did not think I had been overly harsh, but decided in the future to go lighter in my tone and messaging to be on the safe side.
It is hard to always get it just right. We will probably always miscommunicate and have misunderstandings based on words and how we use them, but the more aware we are, the more attention we pay and the more intentional we become in trying to communicate accurately the closer we will come to that heart to heart, soul to soul communication we all seek.
“Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don’t mean much to you may stick with someone for a lifetime.” - Rachael Wolchin
I had to look at the possibility of my tone and words conveying more judgement or emotion than I intended them to, as well. Having had a critical and controlling Mother, myself, that is something that would come naturally to me. I did not think I had been overly harsh, but decided in the future to go lighter in my tone and messaging to be on the safe side.
It is hard to always get it just right. We will probably always miscommunicate and have misunderstandings based on words and how we use them, but the more aware we are, the more attention we pay and the more intentional we become in trying to communicate accurately the closer we will come to that heart to heart, soul to soul communication we all seek.
“Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don’t mean much to you may stick with someone for a lifetime.” - Rachael Wolchin
In our increasingly social world, I will admit I don’t personally think often about loneliness. I do find a lack on connection on the level of depth that is really satisfying for me at times, but for me personally privacy and maintaining my alone time is usually a greater concern. However, recently with the social-distancing and stay-at-home directive, I have felt a little lonely. Especially today, bei, I am missing the family gathering we usually have. Yes, I am keeping busy and have plans for a nice dinner of roast chicken, but it isn’t the same and I miss that connection with my family in person. I talked with my sister on the phone, but I miss hugging everyone and seeing their smiling faces in person.
With clients, this is a complaint I am hearing often. Many people are feeling lonely and wanting a connection beyond what we can get virtually via the many electronic avenues we are so blessed to have available now. I really cannot imagine how we would be dealing with this if we did not have so much ability to connect virtually. Yet, there is something to be said for the connection we get with physical presence, sharing of activities, meals and in-person conversation, not to mention touch and hugs.
Many people have found themselves slipping into anxiety, sadness and depression with this social-distancing we are facing to maintain our health and well-being and stay alive. The thought that this might be permanent and imagining that we will never get back to an acceptable version of normal that allows the comforts of touch, close physical proximity and hugs, without endangering our health weighs heavily on many and makes them feel more helpless and alone.
With clients, this is a complaint I am hearing often. Many people are feeling lonely and wanting a connection beyond what we can get virtually via the many electronic avenues we are so blessed to have available now. I really cannot imagine how we would be dealing with this if we did not have so much ability to connect virtually. Yet, there is something to be said for the connection we get with physical presence, sharing of activities, meals and in-person conversation, not to mention touch and hugs.
Many people have found themselves slipping into anxiety, sadness and depression with this social-distancing we are facing to maintain our health and well-being and stay alive. The thought that this might be permanent and imagining that we will never get back to an acceptable version of normal that allows the comforts of touch, close physical proximity and hugs, without endangering our health weighs heavily on many and makes them feel more helpless and alone.
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What can we do to feel better and less lonely? That is a difficult question, but one I think we can deal with this, until once again we can enjoy each other’s company, maybe with some greater awareness and safety precautions. Though not as satisfying as in-person connections, virtual connections by phone, email, video (Zoom, Facetime, etc.) are so important and can be fun and enjoyable. Keeping busy and getting things done to sustain yourself now and in preparation for the future will also make you feel less lonely. Finish those projects you never had time for. Do things that you will thank yourself for later, like learning something new, taking care of yourself, treating yourself to things you don’t normally allow yourself, doing things that make you smile or laugh. You have to be your own best friend. Treat yourself like you would someone you genuinely care about. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Laugh and smile as much as you can and be good company for yourself. It doesn’t feel good, even to yourself to be in a bad mood, grumpy or disgruntled. Your mood and attitude will actually change your brain and physiology, as well as, strengthening your immune system, resilience and your resourcefulness. Eat well, exercise, get outside even if you can’t go anywhere except your own front or back yard. The better care you take of yourself, the better you will feel.
Use your imagination to your best benefit! If you are worrying, you are imagining something undesirable that has not happened yet, is going to happen. Switch that up and imagine something better. Imagine something good is going to happen. Even better, imagine the best possible scenario that you would like to happen. Why not? As long as you are imagining, imagine something that is exactly what you want, in fact, going to happen. I promise the effects will be much better for your health and well-being and you won’t regret it, no matter what actually happens.
Finally and simply, be grateful for what you have right now, whatever that might be. Be grateful you are safe and alive. Be grateful if you have a pet or a partner to share this experience with. Be grateful if you have family or friends to communicate with virtually and people who check in on you and make sure you are doing okay. And, if you don’t have that, reach out and let someone know, so they can reach back and be there for you! That is actually a gift, as we all need as much to give as to receive.
Remember that in actuality you are not alone! We are all connected and we are all experiencing this and being impacted in so many ways. Talk about your feelings, write them down if needed. Expressing them will help! This is not to complain, but to express this experience, feel the feelings and then let them go! You are not alone, we are all “walking together”, if only virtually at this point!
Now that many are vaccinated and we are able to get back to some socializing and our world is slowly opening back up, make those in-person connections,but do so in a safe and conscious way so we can keep expanding our connection and get back to more normal social interactions we have learned are so precious and important!
Use your imagination to your best benefit! If you are worrying, you are imagining something undesirable that has not happened yet, is going to happen. Switch that up and imagine something better. Imagine something good is going to happen. Even better, imagine the best possible scenario that you would like to happen. Why not? As long as you are imagining, imagine something that is exactly what you want, in fact, going to happen. I promise the effects will be much better for your health and well-being and you won’t regret it, no matter what actually happens.
Finally and simply, be grateful for what you have right now, whatever that might be. Be grateful you are safe and alive. Be grateful if you have a pet or a partner to share this experience with. Be grateful if you have family or friends to communicate with virtually and people who check in on you and make sure you are doing okay. And, if you don’t have that, reach out and let someone know, so they can reach back and be there for you! That is actually a gift, as we all need as much to give as to receive.
Remember that in actuality you are not alone! We are all connected and we are all experiencing this and being impacted in so many ways. Talk about your feelings, write them down if needed. Expressing them will help! This is not to complain, but to express this experience, feel the feelings and then let them go! You are not alone, we are all “walking together”, if only virtually at this point!
Now that many are vaccinated and we are able to get back to some socializing and our world is slowly opening back up, make those in-person connections,but do so in a safe and conscious way so we can keep expanding our connection and get back to more normal social interactions we have learned are so precious and important!
My Mother was the strongest person I have ever known to this day. She passed away at 62, of massive heart failure. Even thought she had been sick most of my life, it was still both a surprise and a shock that she died suddenly. It was a difficult loss, compounded by my father’s unexpected death just 2 months later. She was the second oldest of 5 children, the oldest daughter. She grew up in North Dakota and her father died when she was 11, after a long illness. Her Mom raised the kids mostly on her own working as a waitress at the only steak house in a small town. Mom took care of her younger siblings and they did not have an easy life, struggling through the depression. I remember her telling me that they ate lard and sugar sandwiches and my mom only had 2 dresses, one for everyday and one for special occasions. My Grandmother remarried, but her second husband got sick too, and she was again caretaker. They were poor and often bullied or excluded at school. At sixteen, Mom got rheumatic fever, missed a long period of school and ended up dropping out. She had wanted to be a nurse and probably would have pursued that course, if she had not gotten sick. She went to work full-time and started dating a shy, popular boy whose family was more affluent and owned a business in town. That was my dad. He was a kind and affable man, but suffered from social anxiety, which he self-medicated with alcohol. I was born when Mom was just 20. It was a difficult birth and she was told she couldn’t have more children.
Motherhood was hard on her. She was always exhausted and anxious, but it wasn’t until she was thirty-two that she was diagnosed with a heart condition caused by her rheumatic fever. My sister was six then and I was pretty much her caretaker or second Mom, as my mother was not doing well. The valve carrying blood to her heart was the size of a thread and it was supposed to be the size of your thumb. When she was diagnosed the cardiologist told her that she was literally a few months from death, if she didn’t have the surgery. Her skin was gray, she had no energy and yet, was always anxious. My Mom was a bit obsessive compulsive and her go to when she felt bad was to clean. Our house was spotless and you literally couldn’t walk on her beautiful hard wood floors without Mom having an anxiety attack. She needed open heart surgery and they were not sure she would make it. She was actually one of the first open heart surgeries and it was a very complicated surgery at the time. She made it though and it was like she came back to life. There was a long recovery period, but from right after the surgery you could see the color come back into her skin and the hope come back to her eyes. I did not really realize how close we’d come to losing her, until I saw the life returning.
All of my life Mom had been slowly dying and becoming more angry and even more mentally unwell. She went through a process of transformation and really celebrated the value of life. She actually seemed happy and joyful for the first time. As long as I had known her, she had been overwhelmed and unhappy with only moments of joy that were very fleeting and short-lived. My Dad’s drinking had increased with the stress of her illness and even though he loved her and had good intentions, he could not be the support she needed. She turned to distractions I won’t go into for solace and my parent’s relationship deteriorated. My Dad’s alcoholism got worse and eventually they divorced. Mom wanted more of a relationship and actually began that before their divorce with the man who later became my step-father. I saw her embrace life for about 16 years. They were not planning it, but my half-brother was born when she was 39 and he became the child Mom could actually raise and be herself with. I really had to get to know her again, as she definitely was not the same person who had raised me.
Motherhood was hard on her. She was always exhausted and anxious, but it wasn’t until she was thirty-two that she was diagnosed with a heart condition caused by her rheumatic fever. My sister was six then and I was pretty much her caretaker or second Mom, as my mother was not doing well. The valve carrying blood to her heart was the size of a thread and it was supposed to be the size of your thumb. When she was diagnosed the cardiologist told her that she was literally a few months from death, if she didn’t have the surgery. Her skin was gray, she had no energy and yet, was always anxious. My Mom was a bit obsessive compulsive and her go to when she felt bad was to clean. Our house was spotless and you literally couldn’t walk on her beautiful hard wood floors without Mom having an anxiety attack. She needed open heart surgery and they were not sure she would make it. She was actually one of the first open heart surgeries and it was a very complicated surgery at the time. She made it though and it was like she came back to life. There was a long recovery period, but from right after the surgery you could see the color come back into her skin and the hope come back to her eyes. I did not really realize how close we’d come to losing her, until I saw the life returning.
All of my life Mom had been slowly dying and becoming more angry and even more mentally unwell. She went through a process of transformation and really celebrated the value of life. She actually seemed happy and joyful for the first time. As long as I had known her, she had been overwhelmed and unhappy with only moments of joy that were very fleeting and short-lived. My Dad’s drinking had increased with the stress of her illness and even though he loved her and had good intentions, he could not be the support she needed. She turned to distractions I won’t go into for solace and my parent’s relationship deteriorated. My Dad’s alcoholism got worse and eventually they divorced. Mom wanted more of a relationship and actually began that before their divorce with the man who later became my step-father. I saw her embrace life for about 16 years. They were not planning it, but my half-brother was born when she was 39 and he became the child Mom could actually raise and be herself with. I really had to get to know her again, as she definitely was not the same person who had raised me.
“Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver
Unfortunately, all of the issues caused by her rheumatic fever had not been discovered and new symptoms started to appear over time. She got a rare form of arthritis and her heart issues were not fully resolved. They did not discover it until after her death, but the rheumatic fever had caused small perforations in her heart that ultimately led to her death. She struggled the last years of her life with debilitating illness, but she kept going and really did not want let go of life. The way she lived the last years of her life was such a contrast to the early years I saw growing up. Growing up I saw an angry, bitter and impatient women with a short temper, who took her rage out on world, but most specifically me and Dad. Though my dad was an alcoholic and drank in part pushed by the stress he felt, he was an adult and did understand what she was going through. I wanted to understand, but I was just I child and it was more difficult. I remember once asking my dad why Mom hated me and he said she didn’t, I just had to understand Mom. That was difficult for a child when she would strike out for no reason and hit, yell and say horrible things. It was hard to know that the rage was not really directed at me, when it definitely felt that way. On some level, I did get the message that she loved me and there was something going on with her, but it took many years of resentment and hurt to heal the wounds. This was another pain for my mother, as well, as she did not know how to heal the distance between us and it hurt her, too! Once she had learned how to feel joyful, she wasn’t willing to let it go of it. I believe that finding joy and happiness prolonged her life and made the quality of her life better despite the illness and pain she suffered. I also believe that the many years she suffered in pain, anger and bitterness in the earlier years took their toll and were contributary to her poor health. I wish that she had not had to endure the long years of suffering not knowing what was wrong, but I learned so much from her experience.
A letter she wrote me six months before she passed told me that she had learned much, too and understood the journey she had gone through in many similar ways, as well, and that provided a lot a healing. That letter would give a needed key for my own later journey and though I don’t have the letter any more, it still does give me comfort. I see my mom’s heart as much like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pieces are mended to create both greater strength and a different beauty, a magnificent symbol of resilience.
A letter she wrote me six months before she passed told me that she had learned much, too and understood the journey she had gone through in many similar ways, as well, and that provided a lot a healing. That letter would give a needed key for my own later journey and though I don’t have the letter any more, it still does give me comfort. I see my mom’s heart as much like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pieces are mended to create both greater strength and a different beauty, a magnificent symbol of resilience.
 |  “If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces." [Blueprint for a Breakthrough (2013)]” ― Shane Koyczan |
We all know that each moment in our lives is a unique and singularly significant occurrence that will never happen again. Sadly, I don’t think we live our lives in a way that reflects this knowledge in many cases. We take our lives and those precious moments for granted by not honoring them or being fully present. We don’t value time and we waste it or, at least, we don’t make the most of the time we are given here in this human earthly existence. We think we have time to do it, say it or be it, - later. In reality, all we have is now, this moment and it is fleeting. If we did not make the most of our moments, if we wish we had lived them differently, it is a loss that can never be retrieved. This is just the reality of time and something it is best we be aware of.
Thinking of this, we seek to record, remember and savor the precious moments that fill us with joy, make us smile or give us pride. We cannot relive a moment, but we can remember it and there is both value and pleasure in that. In fact, holding on to some precious moments, which we occasionally reflect on and savor is one of the ways we can experience more happiness in our lives and bring ourselves more happiness moving forward. We are told it is a mistake to try to live in the past or wish everything is the way it used to be. This is definitely true. We need to keep living life and having lovely new experiences, but that does not mean we cannot remember beautiful times from the past and appreciate them. Amazingly, with the way our brain works this can bring us almost as much pleasure as the original experience itself and set us on a course for bringing more blissful experiences into our lives. What we focus on, generally speaking, we get more of --- so, absolutely, think about all the good things you can remember or you can imagine is a what we should do.
Thinking of this, we seek to record, remember and savor the precious moments that fill us with joy, make us smile or give us pride. We cannot relive a moment, but we can remember it and there is both value and pleasure in that. In fact, holding on to some precious moments, which we occasionally reflect on and savor is one of the ways we can experience more happiness in our lives and bring ourselves more happiness moving forward. We are told it is a mistake to try to live in the past or wish everything is the way it used to be. This is definitely true. We need to keep living life and having lovely new experiences, but that does not mean we cannot remember beautiful times from the past and appreciate them. Amazingly, with the way our brain works this can bring us almost as much pleasure as the original experience itself and set us on a course for bringing more blissful experiences into our lives. What we focus on, generally speaking, we get more of --- so, absolutely, think about all the good things you can remember or you can imagine is a what we should do.
 With Mom & Jeanne 1968 |  Maui - Road to Hana 2012 |  Hertiage Park with Chris 2013 |  Sedona 2015 |
Pay attention to those joyful moments from last year or three years ago that social media reminds you about, talk with friends and family about happy experiences you shared together, get out the old photo albums and languish for a while in the smiles and laughter they evoke. Have a few photos around the house that just make you smile each time you look at them, because you remember how you felt then. Even things you did by yourself can be very joyful experiences, so don’t forget those. Some of our biggest achievements are often achieved solo. Definitely, go out and have new adventures and happy moments on a regular and continuing basis. File them away in your memory, write or journal about them, take pictures while you savor those moments, tell friends and family about them. Keep in mind that one day they will have the power to make you smile again and relive over again, in a small way, those precious and impactful moments that made a truly amazing life. It is the awareness that we are living and creating that makes the journey of life the epic adventure that it is. Don’t forget the lessons either or those moments that seem sad and later turn to bitter-sweet in our remembrance. It is a blessing how time has the power to do that.
A friend recently shared the great sadness she felt about her dad’s worsening Alzheimer’s and the the loss of his ability to remember all the precious moments from his long, happy and accomplished life. Appreciate the moments in the now, savor the memories and be grateful for each and every moment!
“Remember to be fully present, grateful and always alive and in awe of each moment!” – Kate Olson
A friend recently shared the great sadness she felt about her dad’s worsening Alzheimer’s and the the loss of his ability to remember all the precious moments from his long, happy and accomplished life. Appreciate the moments in the now, savor the memories and be grateful for each and every moment!
“Remember to be fully present, grateful and always alive and in awe of each moment!” – Kate Olson
 Super Bowl 2015 with Chris |  Mothers Day visit Kristin Linda & Rigsby 2016 |  Day with Kevin, Mulkilteo 2018 (Kevin passed away August, 2020) |  Move to AZ 2020 |
I recently stumbled on some “emotional clutter” or unresolved trauma from my past that I did not even realize I had been dragging around with me since childhood. It is funny how that happens when you least expect it. It made me wonder how many other people are carrying around similar baggage and unaware of it, as well as, how it might be holding them back and preventing them from being their best self or achieving their dreams and goals. All parents make mistakes and say things that are interpreted in ways they don’t intend. This cannot really be avoided! As a consequence, children sometimes carry forward feelings that they have not dealt with and maybe don’t realize are still there, right below the surface. These unresolved feelings can be affecting how they interact with the world and make decisions and choices about life.
When I was a kid my Dad said, “If you keep asking, you will never get it!” with reference to my sister and I continually asking for things we wanted for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I know that he said this because he could not give us everything we wished for and did not want us to be disappointed and not because he either did not want us to have what we wished for or that he thought that was how we should operate in the world. However, being like most kids, I took it quite literally and wanting to be a “good girl”, I tried my best to please and not ask for the things I wanted. I still, of course, hoped by some unknown magic, that I would get the things I wanted. I was consistently disappointed and did not get what I wanted most of the time as far gifts for Christmas & birthdays went or just generally day to day. I kept quite mum about what that might be. As time passed, I think I developed a fear that if I did say what I wanted and didn’t get it that the disappointment would be amplified. This did not apply only to things, but to goals and aspirations, too, and even to those emotional needs and wants we all have. I did achieve many of my goals and aspirations, but I did not get much support in attaining them, since I never told anyone what they were.
In the course of accomplishing things and achieving some of my goals some of those feelings did dissipate, but the feelings, I think, remained there and doubt was always ready to manifest itself, especially for my most precious and deeply held desires. They remained deep secrets that I never wanted to share with anyone. It even became denial, in some cases, that I had needs and wants that had not yet been met. The fear of disappointment loomed large and I think it became easiest to ignore or pretend I did not want or need anything.
When I was a kid my Dad said, “If you keep asking, you will never get it!” with reference to my sister and I continually asking for things we wanted for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I know that he said this because he could not give us everything we wished for and did not want us to be disappointed and not because he either did not want us to have what we wished for or that he thought that was how we should operate in the world. However, being like most kids, I took it quite literally and wanting to be a “good girl”, I tried my best to please and not ask for the things I wanted. I still, of course, hoped by some unknown magic, that I would get the things I wanted. I was consistently disappointed and did not get what I wanted most of the time as far gifts for Christmas & birthdays went or just generally day to day. I kept quite mum about what that might be. As time passed, I think I developed a fear that if I did say what I wanted and didn’t get it that the disappointment would be amplified. This did not apply only to things, but to goals and aspirations, too, and even to those emotional needs and wants we all have. I did achieve many of my goals and aspirations, but I did not get much support in attaining them, since I never told anyone what they were.
In the course of accomplishing things and achieving some of my goals some of those feelings did dissipate, but the feelings, I think, remained there and doubt was always ready to manifest itself, especially for my most precious and deeply held desires. They remained deep secrets that I never wanted to share with anyone. It even became denial, in some cases, that I had needs and wants that had not yet been met. The fear of disappointment loomed large and I think it became easiest to ignore or pretend I did not want or need anything.
However, we all do have ongoing wants and needs and an important part of getting what we want is being aware, acknowledging and then focusing on getting or achieving those wants and desires. That most certainly includes being direct and assertive and asking for what we want, whether it is our next job, a relationship, a raise, a loan or just for someone to pass the gravy. If we don’t ask the chances of getting what we want are highly diminished and disappointment is guaranteed.
Coming to the realization that I was still running that old script in important areas of my life, even though, as a coach, I should certainly know better and the fact that I tell my clients on a regular basis to let that stuff go. It was a wake-up call in a couple of important ways. First it brought to light how we can have those old limiting beliefs hiding in the corners of our consciousness and be unaware of their existence and how they are holding us back. Second, it amplified the importance of doing a regular inventory or check-in of our operating system or the beliefs and ideas that fuel how we deal with and function in the world. With this new awareness I have committed to doing a lot more acknowledging what my wants and needs are and asking for what I truly want and need both from myself and others. Let’s see how that works out over the next several months. I am betting I’ll be getting more of those things I truly desire. And, I think I am totally ready for that!
Coming to the realization that I was still running that old script in important areas of my life, even though, as a coach, I should certainly know better and the fact that I tell my clients on a regular basis to let that stuff go. It was a wake-up call in a couple of important ways. First it brought to light how we can have those old limiting beliefs hiding in the corners of our consciousness and be unaware of their existence and how they are holding us back. Second, it amplified the importance of doing a regular inventory or check-in of our operating system or the beliefs and ideas that fuel how we deal with and function in the world. With this new awareness I have committed to doing a lot more acknowledging what my wants and needs are and asking for what I truly want and need both from myself and others. Let’s see how that works out over the next several months. I am betting I’ll be getting more of those things I truly desire. And, I think I am totally ready for that!
About the Author: Sean Morris is a Guest Contributor. Sean is a social worker turned stay-at-home dad. He has experience in managing a career with parenting, transitioning to a family-focused lifestyle, and a marriage that has lasted 20 beautiful years (and counting!).
Image Source: Unsplash
The reason many people often resist change is that there's comfort in what they know. Although the unknown is appealing to some, it is only natural to resist placing ourselves in new situations. Still, you get to that point when it is no longer necessary and possible to play it safe, and that's where resources like Soul Fire Wisdom Coaching become operative.
Whenever We Think We Are Good, We Can Be Even Better
Many of us neglect to do what will make us the best version of ourselves, even if we can envision what that version looks like. It can be challenging to break out of our comfort zone, even in the name of self-improvement. Moreover, it can be hard to decide what to improve when there's an unlimited number of ways we can become better in 2021. So, even if you take one point from the list below and run with it, you're doing something - and that's worth it.
Set Goals for Yourself
Make it a habit to set goals for yourself — yearly, monthly, and even daily. Write those goals down, check them, and record your progress. Success is not in how quickly you reach your targets — it's in the journey to make them happen. Once you have some goals lined up, you know what to focus on. This makes everything easier as you know where you are heading rather than chasing squirrels all over the place.
Improve Your Career
Whether you are pleased with your 9-to-5 job or dream about starting and running your own business, your skills are valuable and could propel you further in the career you chose. Even though you're usually provided with training when starting a new job, when venturing into the unknown of starting a business, this is not always the case. However, there are many benefits to owning a business, including freedom, self-improvement support, ability, money, and time to help your family and others, boosted self-esteem, and so much more.
While you don't need an MBA or any particular business certification to run your start-up, looking for some online resources that will help you acquire new skills or improve the ones you have is the best thing you can do to improve your career. This is also a simple way to succeed in both business life and personal life, making you more confident and bolder in your pursuits. There are many resources out there, such as communication curriculums, project management classes, and online business formation courses, with the latter helping you figure out the best business structure for your start-up and how to get started.
Dress for the Life You Want
Life is way too short to be spent in clothes that make you feel uncomfortable or lower yourself-esteem. Whenever possible, make a change in your wardrobe and dress for the life you want — in a way that makes you happy.
Move!
Physical activity and self-improvement go hand in hand, doing amazing things for both your body and mind. Find activities that you love, whether it's dancing around the house, lifting weights at the gym, or hiking mountains. Exercise and movement are some of the most basic forms of self-improvement you can focus on for your overall well-being.
Meditation
Mediation doesn't have to be challenging, sitting in a room, in silence, for prolonged periods. It can be as simple as taking a few breaths right now. Inhale, exhale, and repeat.
Treat Yourself
Plan and do at least a thing that is going to make you feel happier per week. It could be booking a spa treatment, watching a play, journaling, shopping for clothes you've always wanted, or just sitting alone with yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive — it's the little things that matter, and they are exceptionally good for your well-being.
What Self-Improvement Brings
We only get one shot at life, and no matter what cards you were dealt, you can improve your life by taking care of yourself first. By self-improving, you're able to get more success, more happiness, meaningful relationships, better health, etc. There's always something about ourselves we can work on; the human potential is limitless, so it is impossible to reach a point of no growth.
Whenever We Think We Are Good, We Can Be Even Better
Many of us neglect to do what will make us the best version of ourselves, even if we can envision what that version looks like. It can be challenging to break out of our comfort zone, even in the name of self-improvement. Moreover, it can be hard to decide what to improve when there's an unlimited number of ways we can become better in 2021. So, even if you take one point from the list below and run with it, you're doing something - and that's worth it.
Set Goals for Yourself
Make it a habit to set goals for yourself — yearly, monthly, and even daily. Write those goals down, check them, and record your progress. Success is not in how quickly you reach your targets — it's in the journey to make them happen. Once you have some goals lined up, you know what to focus on. This makes everything easier as you know where you are heading rather than chasing squirrels all over the place.
Improve Your Career
Whether you are pleased with your 9-to-5 job or dream about starting and running your own business, your skills are valuable and could propel you further in the career you chose. Even though you're usually provided with training when starting a new job, when venturing into the unknown of starting a business, this is not always the case. However, there are many benefits to owning a business, including freedom, self-improvement support, ability, money, and time to help your family and others, boosted self-esteem, and so much more.
While you don't need an MBA or any particular business certification to run your start-up, looking for some online resources that will help you acquire new skills or improve the ones you have is the best thing you can do to improve your career. This is also a simple way to succeed in both business life and personal life, making you more confident and bolder in your pursuits. There are many resources out there, such as communication curriculums, project management classes, and online business formation courses, with the latter helping you figure out the best business structure for your start-up and how to get started.
Dress for the Life You Want
Life is way too short to be spent in clothes that make you feel uncomfortable or lower yourself-esteem. Whenever possible, make a change in your wardrobe and dress for the life you want — in a way that makes you happy.
Move!
Physical activity and self-improvement go hand in hand, doing amazing things for both your body and mind. Find activities that you love, whether it's dancing around the house, lifting weights at the gym, or hiking mountains. Exercise and movement are some of the most basic forms of self-improvement you can focus on for your overall well-being.
Meditation
Mediation doesn't have to be challenging, sitting in a room, in silence, for prolonged periods. It can be as simple as taking a few breaths right now. Inhale, exhale, and repeat.
Treat Yourself
Plan and do at least a thing that is going to make you feel happier per week. It could be booking a spa treatment, watching a play, journaling, shopping for clothes you've always wanted, or just sitting alone with yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive — it's the little things that matter, and they are exceptionally good for your well-being.
What Self-Improvement Brings
We only get one shot at life, and no matter what cards you were dealt, you can improve your life by taking care of yourself first. By self-improving, you're able to get more success, more happiness, meaningful relationships, better health, etc. There's always something about ourselves we can work on; the human potential is limitless, so it is impossible to reach a point of no growth.
“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.” – Harvey Mackay
This is something we have all been confronted with and still it is one of the hardest and most commonly traumatizing experiences we go through. Most of us learn to deal with it and get past it, but some never do and the results can be quite devastating. I am called to write this blog for two reasons. I have recently been confronted with the remnants of this and a client also recently told me about a family members’ inability to deal with the emotional trauma and subsequent suicide after feeling rejected and excluded by those she wanted to feel accepted by. This is, of course, an extreme and heart-breaking outcome, but I am guessing there are very few people who cannot relate to the emotional pain that rejection and exclusion can cause. The feelings can be quite crushing and there is almost no one who has not felt it. Why are some people more affected than others and how do people learn to cope with and get past these feelings?
Acceptance and validation are quite basic to our needs and very few of us get enough of these to build our self-worth, self-love and resilience to a level of confidence where we are truly secure and rejection-proof. At least, we seldom get it in childhood and without a lot of introspection, awareness and self-esteem-building work. Why is this? First, most of us are raised by adults who have not yet attained this level of self-worth themselves and don’t know how to give it to us. Second, we face a world which bombards us with self-esteem diminishing challenges on a regular basis. It seems to be the nature of humans to try to build their own self-worth at the expense of others when they don’t know more healthy ways of doing so. We see it all around us and it is modeled for us in some cases.
From childhood into adulthood, we see it. Two friends make themselves feel superior by talking about what they see as the shortcoming of someone else. Or, in today’s world one group of people criticizes and villainizes another group of people over beliefs and ideologies. Many times, we don’t think this is a big deal until we are on the receiving side of it. The people that are bonding and feeling superior in that bonding, often lack any empathy for the feelings of the person they are diminishing. That is sometimes because they do not really know the person and sometimes because they do and want to purposefully exclude or diminish them for their own benefit.
Acceptance and validation are quite basic to our needs and very few of us get enough of these to build our self-worth, self-love and resilience to a level of confidence where we are truly secure and rejection-proof. At least, we seldom get it in childhood and without a lot of introspection, awareness and self-esteem-building work. Why is this? First, most of us are raised by adults who have not yet attained this level of self-worth themselves and don’t know how to give it to us. Second, we face a world which bombards us with self-esteem diminishing challenges on a regular basis. It seems to be the nature of humans to try to build their own self-worth at the expense of others when they don’t know more healthy ways of doing so. We see it all around us and it is modeled for us in some cases.
From childhood into adulthood, we see it. Two friends make themselves feel superior by talking about what they see as the shortcoming of someone else. Or, in today’s world one group of people criticizes and villainizes another group of people over beliefs and ideologies. Many times, we don’t think this is a big deal until we are on the receiving side of it. The people that are bonding and feeling superior in that bonding, often lack any empathy for the feelings of the person they are diminishing. That is sometimes because they do not really know the person and sometimes because they do and want to purposefully exclude or diminish them for their own benefit.
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I am going to share a story from my own childhood that had a huge impact on me in so many ways. While today I consider it a blessing as the feelings I experienced give me a special empathy and advocacy for helping people to feel confident and resilient. At the time it was difficult. I was always a fairly kind and inclusive child with a strong sense of fairness, so excluding others or making them feel bad was never something I did. Pretty much the opposite was true. In first grade, I met a girl who became a long-time close friend shortly after the school year began. I got guardianship that day of the much-coveted playground equipment, the ball for playing square ball. A couple of other girls and I were getting ready to play when a girl I had not yet met came up and asked to play. The other two girls said "no" and told her to go away. I reacted immediately and asked them why. They said they didn’t like her. I said it was my ball and I say she can play. They said they wouldn’t play if that girl played. She and I took the ball and found two other girls to play. It turned out that girl and I became good friends and well, the other girls, I don’t remember what became of them. This was pretty much my philosophy.
In fourth grade, a classmate had a bird that she brought to school and that bird became the class pet. She was very attached to her bird, as most of us are to our pets. She shared the bird with the class though and allowed others to care for it. Over one weekend, something happened and the bird died. The whole class felt bad and mourned the loss, but it was really hard on the owner of the bird. I had empathy and felt very sad for her. I had an idea of getting her another bird and instead of doing it myself, I organized a group of her other friends and we all planned together to raise the money, get the bird and give it to her. I thought everything was going quite well. I was excited that we were going to able to do this as a group and hopefully help our friend feel better.
I had no idea that there were any problems brewing in the group. Most of the girls, I had known for several years and felt they were friends. One day, just a few days before we were going to give the bird to our mutual friend, one of girls asked me to meet her down on the baseball field after school. I didn’t really think much about it and went to meet her and saw that the rest of our group was also there. Still, I thought nothing of it. I have never been bullied or had enemies for the most part, so nothing occurred to me. Suddenly, the group formed a circle around me and skipped in a circular motion while chanting “we vote you out!” I was taken completely off guard and it took a few minutes to even figure out what they were doing and what it meant. And then, one of them explained that they were excluding me from the group and I would not be allowed to participate in the plans for giving the bird to our friend. I was just out! My stomach felt like it dropped to my feet and I simply couldn’t speak. I was hurt more than I could have expressed and no words would come out of my mouth. I looked at them trying not to let myself cry and then I walked away as fast as I could. When I got out of their sight, I ran all the way home before I cried. The feeling was horrific and I had no idea why they had done this. I also did not know how to deal with it or my feelings. I had a hard time going to school the next day and really couldn’t look at any of the girls. It hurt that my friend did not know that her new bird had been from me, as well as, the other girls and that it had been my idea, but I didn’t say anything. It seemed like months, but it was really only days, when some of the girls in the group started coming and apologizing to me and telling me that one of the girls had instigated what had happened telling the rest them that I was too bossy and didn’t deserve to be in the group. She was jealous and wanted to be in charge of things. Sadly, she didn’t know that I wasn’t really set on being the boss and would have let her have more say, if she had spoken up rather than tossing me aside as she did. Eventually, all the girls except the instigator apologized to me and even the girl who got the bird told me she had been told it had been my idea. That helped, but the feelings and mistrust hung on much longer. I avoided the girl who instigated things for the rest of the time we were in school together, though we had been friends before that. I am not sure if she knew that I knew about what she had done. She still talked to me and acted friendly from time to time. I had not realized before how insecure and insincere she apparently was, but of course, I knew I couldn’t trust her and didn’t want to deal with that. I did forgive her. I never wanted to experience anything like that again, however, strangely made me stronger and gave me confidence in getting through it. It would be decades, many more experiences and much self-reflection and self-acceptance before I would feel confident enough and put that trauma behind me. It was the start of a very important lesson on dealing with rejection and exclusion. A lesson I am very thankful for, despite the pain involved. I also gained a sort of “Spidey-Sense” for picking up the energy of those people who, due to their own needs, would be inclined to throw me under the bus, so to speak. I learned to opt out or avoid them before they have the chance to do so. Usually without any malice. I have come to realize that they are doing the best they can with what they know.
In fourth grade, a classmate had a bird that she brought to school and that bird became the class pet. She was very attached to her bird, as most of us are to our pets. She shared the bird with the class though and allowed others to care for it. Over one weekend, something happened and the bird died. The whole class felt bad and mourned the loss, but it was really hard on the owner of the bird. I had empathy and felt very sad for her. I had an idea of getting her another bird and instead of doing it myself, I organized a group of her other friends and we all planned together to raise the money, get the bird and give it to her. I thought everything was going quite well. I was excited that we were going to able to do this as a group and hopefully help our friend feel better.
I had no idea that there were any problems brewing in the group. Most of the girls, I had known for several years and felt they were friends. One day, just a few days before we were going to give the bird to our mutual friend, one of girls asked me to meet her down on the baseball field after school. I didn’t really think much about it and went to meet her and saw that the rest of our group was also there. Still, I thought nothing of it. I have never been bullied or had enemies for the most part, so nothing occurred to me. Suddenly, the group formed a circle around me and skipped in a circular motion while chanting “we vote you out!” I was taken completely off guard and it took a few minutes to even figure out what they were doing and what it meant. And then, one of them explained that they were excluding me from the group and I would not be allowed to participate in the plans for giving the bird to our friend. I was just out! My stomach felt like it dropped to my feet and I simply couldn’t speak. I was hurt more than I could have expressed and no words would come out of my mouth. I looked at them trying not to let myself cry and then I walked away as fast as I could. When I got out of their sight, I ran all the way home before I cried. The feeling was horrific and I had no idea why they had done this. I also did not know how to deal with it or my feelings. I had a hard time going to school the next day and really couldn’t look at any of the girls. It hurt that my friend did not know that her new bird had been from me, as well as, the other girls and that it had been my idea, but I didn’t say anything. It seemed like months, but it was really only days, when some of the girls in the group started coming and apologizing to me and telling me that one of the girls had instigated what had happened telling the rest them that I was too bossy and didn’t deserve to be in the group. She was jealous and wanted to be in charge of things. Sadly, she didn’t know that I wasn’t really set on being the boss and would have let her have more say, if she had spoken up rather than tossing me aside as she did. Eventually, all the girls except the instigator apologized to me and even the girl who got the bird told me she had been told it had been my idea. That helped, but the feelings and mistrust hung on much longer. I avoided the girl who instigated things for the rest of the time we were in school together, though we had been friends before that. I am not sure if she knew that I knew about what she had done. She still talked to me and acted friendly from time to time. I had not realized before how insecure and insincere she apparently was, but of course, I knew I couldn’t trust her and didn’t want to deal with that. I did forgive her. I never wanted to experience anything like that again, however, strangely made me stronger and gave me confidence in getting through it. It would be decades, many more experiences and much self-reflection and self-acceptance before I would feel confident enough and put that trauma behind me. It was the start of a very important lesson on dealing with rejection and exclusion. A lesson I am very thankful for, despite the pain involved. I also gained a sort of “Spidey-Sense” for picking up the energy of those people who, due to their own needs, would be inclined to throw me under the bus, so to speak. I learned to opt out or avoid them before they have the chance to do so. Usually without any malice. I have come to realize that they are doing the best they can with what they know.
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I did encounter the instigator of that grade-school trauma again on a break after my first year of college. I went into a local store on a visit home and was looking around when I heard a voice excitedly call my name and when I turned around the girl who had caused me that pain, way back when, had a big smile on her face. She grabbed me and hugged me, saying how happy she was to see me. I was in momentary shock as I recognized her and took everything in. She had surprisingly gained a good 40 pounds and looked a bit different. We talked for a while and caught up on what we had been doing since high school. I was surprised to find out that she was on a break from college and working full-time at the store. She had dropped out of school during her freshman year after having an emotional break-down. I listened to her story and empathized as she told me of her feelings of not fitting in, being excluded and having trouble keeping up academically. She seemed to feel better as I empathized. I asked her about her future plans and encouraged her, reminding her of the skills and abilities I knew she had. There was that moment where I felt a twinge of revenge brewing, but opted for compassion. She hugged me again before I left and said she was glad we bumped into each other and that I had always been a loyal and kind friend. I was happy in the end to know she thought of me that way. She went back to school the following fall to a college in the Mid-West where she still lives. She graduated, married and had a beautiful family. When I last heard of her, she was enjoying a happy life. I did wonder if she ever thought about her actions and how they had affected me, however, I realized it really didn’t matter as I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
There are many types of rejection and exclusion and they bombard us throughout life. Breakup, divorce, job loss, not getting the job, award, raise, praise or accolades that we wanted, hoped for or deserved. We do need to feel and process those emotions, no matter how painful. I thought I might die when I fell in love way too soon after my divorce, with “Mr. Wrong for Me”. It seemed so unfair. Eventually I realized I wasn’t ready and “us” trying to be a couple would have been a train wreck. He didn’t want children and I had one, he was gorgeous and romantic, but also selfish and a perfectionist and always made me feel “not good enough”, -- who needs that? In the end, I took the lesson and moved forward, a little bruised, but so much stronger and wiser.
In conclusion, pay attention to your intuition as much as you can and avoid people and situations that end up draining you or feel toxic. Rejection isn’t always avoidable, but try not to take it personally. It likely isn’t about you. Lastly, it is usually not fatal, although it can feel that way at the time and, if nothing else, it will give you strength and character, even when that doesn’t seem possible. I am sure you have some lessons under your belt already. Use them to buoy you up, rather than make you bitter. Rise above the negative thoughts and know that only you can define who you are and what you deserve in this life.
There are many types of rejection and exclusion and they bombard us throughout life. Breakup, divorce, job loss, not getting the job, award, raise, praise or accolades that we wanted, hoped for or deserved. We do need to feel and process those emotions, no matter how painful. I thought I might die when I fell in love way too soon after my divorce, with “Mr. Wrong for Me”. It seemed so unfair. Eventually I realized I wasn’t ready and “us” trying to be a couple would have been a train wreck. He didn’t want children and I had one, he was gorgeous and romantic, but also selfish and a perfectionist and always made me feel “not good enough”, -- who needs that? In the end, I took the lesson and moved forward, a little bruised, but so much stronger and wiser.
In conclusion, pay attention to your intuition as much as you can and avoid people and situations that end up draining you or feel toxic. Rejection isn’t always avoidable, but try not to take it personally. It likely isn’t about you. Lastly, it is usually not fatal, although it can feel that way at the time and, if nothing else, it will give you strength and character, even when that doesn’t seem possible. I am sure you have some lessons under your belt already. Use them to buoy you up, rather than make you bitter. Rise above the negative thoughts and know that only you can define who you are and what you deserve in this life.
With the passing of another year that has been extraordinarily impactful, I realize that my perception of life and my place in the scheme of things has shifted. This strange year, 2020, has been one of deep and frequent reflection and much soul searching. I know that has been the case for me and suspect that many have gone through similar processes. It has been a year filled with obstacles, challenges and changes that I would never have imagined. And, in that there has been a lot of taking stock, reassessing and yes, growth! I had planned some change into my life for this year and I expected to do some re-adjusting, but I will confess that 2020 has been more of a roller coaster ride than I could have ever anticipated. The biggest surprise has been some long searched for answers to life quandaries and dilemmas that have just dropped into my consciousness and given me unexpected clarity around some of my most important wonderings.
I think we all seek more direction in our lives and to have a certainty about our wants and needs and where we should put our energy and efforts to feel the greatest sense of joy and satisfaction as we travel through life. So many choices and paths we could pursue, but what is the right path and the one that will be worth it? Are we motivated to go in a certain direction and will we get what we want, if we do? Is what we want, what will really make us feel the way we want to feel? So many thoughts can get so complicated and, yes, confusing! Sometimes there are even other people or practical considerations that play into our decision making and make it even more difficult and complex! Are there really answers and is even thinking about it a waste of time? Too be honest, I think it is. I have come to realize that too much thinking and trying to logically plot everything out with our limited conscious abilities is probably one the biggest inhibitors to resolving our life quandaries.
I think we all seek more direction in our lives and to have a certainty about our wants and needs and where we should put our energy and efforts to feel the greatest sense of joy and satisfaction as we travel through life. So many choices and paths we could pursue, but what is the right path and the one that will be worth it? Are we motivated to go in a certain direction and will we get what we want, if we do? Is what we want, what will really make us feel the way we want to feel? So many thoughts can get so complicated and, yes, confusing! Sometimes there are even other people or practical considerations that play into our decision making and make it even more difficult and complex! Are there really answers and is even thinking about it a waste of time? Too be honest, I think it is. I have come to realize that too much thinking and trying to logically plot everything out with our limited conscious abilities is probably one the biggest inhibitors to resolving our life quandaries.
I do believe in questions, curiosity, openness and possibility, but I think we have to let go of our expectation that there is a blueprint that we can follow and achieve a pre-determined outcome and that will lead us to the satisfaction we seek. I think it is a constantly evolving process; everything can change and become something new at any given point. What does that mean for our comfort level with change and uncertainty? Are we destined then to be fearful and apprehensive about what might happen next and whether we will be able to adapt?
While I have come to learn that we will, I know that this is not an easily answered question and the doubts and consequent feelings come very naturally. However, what if we let those doubts go, throw caution to the wind and just follow our first instincts without having an answer to all the questions and only a vision of ourselves feeling joyful and satisfied? A vision that only fulfills our desires without answering the how’s or why’s of getting there may be the better option. I believe we need to ask the question, put it out there and then let the Universe or our subconscious mind do the work and lead us where we want and need to go.
What have I discovered in this turbulent year with regard to my own journey and path forward? I have discovered not to overwork my intellect and to ask the questions and then let the answers flow naturally and follow that intuition, because it just feels right, even if I don’t know why! And, here I am living in AZ and loving my new home without knowing the answer to that question, “Why did you move to Arizona? Let the adventure begin! I am excited to see the future unfold.
While I have come to learn that we will, I know that this is not an easily answered question and the doubts and consequent feelings come very naturally. However, what if we let those doubts go, throw caution to the wind and just follow our first instincts without having an answer to all the questions and only a vision of ourselves feeling joyful and satisfied? A vision that only fulfills our desires without answering the how’s or why’s of getting there may be the better option. I believe we need to ask the question, put it out there and then let the Universe or our subconscious mind do the work and lead us where we want and need to go.
What have I discovered in this turbulent year with regard to my own journey and path forward? I have discovered not to overwork my intellect and to ask the questions and then let the answers flow naturally and follow that intuition, because it just feels right, even if I don’t know why! And, here I am living in AZ and loving my new home without knowing the answer to that question, “Why did you move to Arizona? Let the adventure begin! I am excited to see the future unfold.
Intention is the starting point and your super power when it comes to achieving your dreams and goals. While many things can and do happen randomly in our chaotic and unpredictable world, there is an energy; a force that has a measurable effect on events and occurrences. That is, while much is outside of our control, where are some things that we can and do control. These things for the most part are what is directly related to our personal being and the energy we send out into the world. We have control over most aspects of our ourselves and our actions reacting with the world around us. We do not always have control of outcomes, but we do have control of what we individually put out into the world and to some extent that affects a larger sphere of interactions and occurrences, which become our sphere of energy or influence.
So where does this all lead us with regard to our power in the world and how that relates to intention. If we are to get the ball rolling, so to speak, to accomplish any action, including our most coveted dreams and aspiration, it must begin with our thoughts and the energy they emit, followed by the actions we subsequently pursue. On the cognitive level, preconception is what becomes intention, and that leads us to plans and actions, which become accomplishments and led us down the path to success in achieving what we wish to achieve.
So where does this all lead us with regard to our power in the world and how that relates to intention. If we are to get the ball rolling, so to speak, to accomplish any action, including our most coveted dreams and aspiration, it must begin with our thoughts and the energy they emit, followed by the actions we subsequently pursue. On the cognitive level, preconception is what becomes intention, and that leads us to plans and actions, which become accomplishments and led us down the path to success in achieving what we wish to achieve.
What if we don’t have a clear intention? Then the core of what ignites us to move forward is not there. Not having an intention is like starting out on a journey without a destination in mind. While it can be done, it is hard to plot a course or even to know when or if, you have reached your end point or destination. You may get somewhere, but it may not be where you wanted to go. This is why setting an intention is so important to reaching your dreams and goals. It doesn’t matter how large or small your dreams are, you have a better chance of achieving them, if you set an intention.
Whatever it is, your intention is powerful. It fuels and gives purpose and direction to everything that follows from it. It creates the direction for your journey and becomes a compass to determine if you are on course.
If you want to jump-start your progress toward attaining your goals, set a small intention related to your end goals every day. You will find that you are making small and constant steps toward that larger goal faster and more easily than you ever thought you could. It seems like a simple thing, but you would be surprised at how often we attempt to achieve our goals without any forethought. Think of how far your car would get if you failed to put gas in it. Our intention is the fuel for our goals and aspirations. It is futile to try to move forward and achieve those goals without clear and relevant intentions
Whatever it is, your intention is powerful. It fuels and gives purpose and direction to everything that follows from it. It creates the direction for your journey and becomes a compass to determine if you are on course.
If you want to jump-start your progress toward attaining your goals, set a small intention related to your end goals every day. You will find that you are making small and constant steps toward that larger goal faster and more easily than you ever thought you could. It seems like a simple thing, but you would be surprised at how often we attempt to achieve our goals without any forethought. Think of how far your car would get if you failed to put gas in it. Our intention is the fuel for our goals and aspirations. It is futile to try to move forward and achieve those goals without clear and relevant intentions
I know that a little trauma, drama and chaos occasionally visits all of our lives. And, when it does, we must learn to deal with it and then let it go. We certainly don’t want it hanging around for very long and sucking all the joy and peace out of our lives or getting in the way of our plans and stifling our success. Have you ever met people though, who tend to live in that state consistently and bring it with them wherever they go, naturally sharing it with everyone they come into contact with? One sure sign, if you don’t recognize it right away, that you are dealing with one of these people, is that they simply exhaust you and you feel like a tornado has ripped through your life. These are usually not bad or evil people and for the most part they don’t mean to or have the intention of sowing disruption in your life and a lot of times they feel like a victim of life themselves. They usually think that others should be understanding of all they must endure and have empathy and compassion for their circumstances. If you yourself are going through difficult times, they will surely one up you and try to maintain their ultimate victim status. They rarely realize or feel responsible for the chaos they are bringing to life. Simply as a result of your interaction with or attempt to collaborate or cooperate with them, you too get to experience the trauma, drama and chaos that they bring. Doing so, if you accept that daunting challenge, usually entails a lot of adjustment, tolerance, alteration and flexibility on your part. It is clear that you, your time, your plans or what you are trying to accomplish are secondary and you eventually realize that you are allowing yourself to be disrespected and bombarded by their whirlwind of chaos. Although you can ask for some respect and consideration from these people by establishing boundaries and drawing that line in the sand, it does not usually work.
How do you deal with people like this and the way they affect you and your life? While there are many things you can try, depending on the relationship, the only real way to get way from the constant trauma, drama and chaos is to walk way and not allow these people space in your life. This is sometimes hard, especially if they are close friends or even family members. And, if you are like me and you seek to see the good in others or you’re an empath and you feel their feelings, it is especially difficult. On one hand you want to understand and you do feel their pain. You know there is good there, you see it and you even feel it, but keeping them in your life means also keeping the trauma, drama and chaos they have adopted as part of their lifestyle. You really have to ask yourself how important your peace of mind, your self-respect, your self-worth and your life itself is to you? Maybe it’s okay if this person occasionally transits through your life and wreaks havoc? You can take it, right? The answer is - No! If you allow this in your life, it diminishes your energy and your self-esteem and chips away at your confidence, trust and self-worth. I guarantee you that if you allow these people to do this occasionally, it will build into more and you will also attract more of these people and the energy they carry with them into your life. It is just the nature of the Universe that we attract more of what we allow, more of what we focus on and more of that energy that surrounds us.
How do you make the break then and set the boundaries to protect your own energy and life to keep yourself on a more positive and purposeful trajectory? It is a matter of respecting yourself, first and foremost and loving yourself enough to say, “this is not what I want my life to be!” and then having the courage and conviction to walk away from them. You need to make it clear that you will only allow people in your life if they respect you and don’t drag trauma, drama or chaos with them into your life. It is their choice and it is not your obligation to accept and deal with their messy and chaotic choices. They do not have the right to impose it on you simply because they have chosen to deal badly with their life and not learn from past circumstances. If you do choose to allow it though, it’s on you – you have chosen to join the trauma, drama and chaos club and well, you pretty much deserve what you get. Make a different choice, get a different outcome! If you truly see value in this person, tell them how you feel and be ready to walk away. The best that can come of it is they may choose to change at least in their relationship with you and who knows where that may lead. Perhaps you both have won a better outcome and possibly a better relationship. If not, you get to keep your self-respect and peace of mind and leave the trauma, drama & chaos to them.
How do you make the break then and set the boundaries to protect your own energy and life to keep yourself on a more positive and purposeful trajectory? It is a matter of respecting yourself, first and foremost and loving yourself enough to say, “this is not what I want my life to be!” and then having the courage and conviction to walk away from them. You need to make it clear that you will only allow people in your life if they respect you and don’t drag trauma, drama or chaos with them into your life. It is their choice and it is not your obligation to accept and deal with their messy and chaotic choices. They do not have the right to impose it on you simply because they have chosen to deal badly with their life and not learn from past circumstances. If you do choose to allow it though, it’s on you – you have chosen to join the trauma, drama and chaos club and well, you pretty much deserve what you get. Make a different choice, get a different outcome! If you truly see value in this person, tell them how you feel and be ready to walk away. The best that can come of it is they may choose to change at least in their relationship with you and who knows where that may lead. Perhaps you both have won a better outcome and possibly a better relationship. If not, you get to keep your self-respect and peace of mind and leave the trauma, drama & chaos to them.
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Is it possible to remain joyful and experience happiness, even in the worst of times? When things are really bad, when you are in the throes of true disaster and adversity, experiencing illness, loss, grief and/or seriously concerned about very real survival needs, is it still possible to be joyful and feel generally happy, most of the time? If it is possible, is this a desirable state or are we just ignoring the stark reality confronting us? It is not only possible, but it is how you get through bad times in the most resilient, healthy way and avoid damaging side effects to your physical and emotional long-term health. It is also how you stay sane, maintain the best mindset and stay resourceful for solving issues or finding answers for any problems that may arise. This has been demonstrated to us by many who have experienced extreme adversity and yet maintained a joyful attitude through their circumstances. They would have described themselves as generally happy, even when also experiencing and feeling great suffering. Such examples are many holocaust survivors and people like Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi and many, many more. These are people who have gone through things most of us cannot imagine surviving and have done so maintaining a resilient joyfulness and great hopefulness.
We are told it is not good to avoid our feelings and that we must experience them. When something really devastating is happening or has happened, how can we be anything but sad, unhappy and dwell in those feelings? That is really it, we can experience more than one feeling in a very short sequence of time. In a given moment we are experiencing a particular feeling and acknowledging it and we need to do that, but from moment to moment our feelings and what we are allowing ourselves to experience can change. And, it is okay to experience the full and changing range of our emotions and that is the healthiest way to deal with them. You can be deeply sad and truly feel a loss and still a short time later experience a moment of joy when your pet or your partner snuggles up to you. You can be feeling very lonely in one moment and then feel joy when a funny movie or something in real life makes you laugh. It is when you try to dwell in a single emotion and not experience the full range of your emotions that you become stuck in unhappiness and rob yourself of the joy that is still there for you in the natural process of living.
We are told it is not good to avoid our feelings and that we must experience them. When something really devastating is happening or has happened, how can we be anything but sad, unhappy and dwell in those feelings? That is really it, we can experience more than one feeling in a very short sequence of time. In a given moment we are experiencing a particular feeling and acknowledging it and we need to do that, but from moment to moment our feelings and what we are allowing ourselves to experience can change. And, it is okay to experience the full and changing range of our emotions and that is the healthiest way to deal with them. You can be deeply sad and truly feel a loss and still a short time later experience a moment of joy when your pet or your partner snuggles up to you. You can be feeling very lonely in one moment and then feel joy when a funny movie or something in real life makes you laugh. It is when you try to dwell in a single emotion and not experience the full range of your emotions that you become stuck in unhappiness and rob yourself of the joy that is still there for you in the natural process of living.
The times we are living in now are truly serious and devastating. They are very uncertain, with the only certainty being that Covid-19 is impacting us in ways that will forever change our lives. Many people are dying, there is real danger to our health and there are many challenges that effect our emotional and financial well-being. There are definitely concerns bombarding us from every direction. Many people were already seriously worried about our political division and the circumstances our country has recently experienced. At the same time there are the usual adversities of life happening. A friend is dying of brain cancer and we can’t even go see him because of this virus. There are people who are homeless and hungry and I saw a terrible accident yesterday and could only wonder what dealing with that would be like for those involved. Still, I really enjoyed the beautiful weather we are having here in the Northwest and a social-distancing walk I took along Lake Washington. I felt a sense of peace and joy, as I always do, being outdoors and watching a beautiful sunset over the water. I try to do a couple things every day that bring me joy. I start my day listening to music always and that lifts my spirits and starts my day on a positive note. I treated myself to a very decadent chocolate desert and a glass of wine yesterday and watched a romantic comedy. It was totally silly and I laughed and loved it. I savored those feelings and it is okay, even though it still breaks my heart that a good person I care about is dying and I can’t say good bye in person and give him one last hug. Yes, I feel that sadness deeply, but I can also feel gratitude, appreciation and joy. I catch myself worrying about something from time to time and I try to switch it up quickly after asking myself if there is anything that I can do about it right now. I try to stay in the moment, care for myself as well as I would take care of anyone else that I love. I try to be intentional in what I do. I stay connected to my family, friends and those who add positivity and light to my life.
You know what, I smile often, I see a lot of good in the world still and a lot to be grateful for, even now. I have to say I feel joyful and happy most of the time through these difficult days and for that I am truly and abundantly grateful! Life is good and the best is still yet to come! I am hopeful for the good I’d like to see come out of this pause in everyday life. I saw a meme posted and I may not have it exactly right, but the just of it was--
“It’s like Mother Nature sent us all to our rooms to think about what we have done!” -- Unknown
It is my greatest hope that great awareness, awakening, learning and action will come of this. I am imagining that and holding a space for it in my heart and soul!
You know what, I smile often, I see a lot of good in the world still and a lot to be grateful for, even now. I have to say I feel joyful and happy most of the time through these difficult days and for that I am truly and abundantly grateful! Life is good and the best is still yet to come! I am hopeful for the good I’d like to see come out of this pause in everyday life. I saw a meme posted and I may not have it exactly right, but the just of it was--
“It’s like Mother Nature sent us all to our rooms to think about what we have done!” -- Unknown
It is my greatest hope that great awareness, awakening, learning and action will come of this. I am imagining that and holding a space for it in my heart and soul!
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I always knew I was as capable and could do anything I wanted to do, just as well or better than anyone else, even a boy! Yes, I know there are differences that make doing some things easier for one gender or the other, but I always thought and believed that there are many ways to do just about anything and you use your own strengths. I was born at a time when roles for women were pretty well-defined and my parents were pretty conventional in their beliefs, although not really in a practical sense. Both parents worked most of my childhood. They worked opposite shifts at times and both parents were very capable of cleaning, cooking and childcare. My Mom definitely had strong opinions and expressed them and my Dad was not dominating and did listen to her. However, I think they both had residual ideas about roles from their own upbringing. My Mom was definitely happier when I got married than when I graduated from college and Dad seemed to think it was my husband’s job to take care of me, rather than a partnership. Mostly though, they supported my belief that I could do anything any boy could do.
My first friends were boys and I constantly challenged this belief and found it to be true. In small ways, of course, but I never found anything that a girl was not capable of doing, none that mattered anyway. I remember actually liking “boy activities” better than conventional “girl activities” of the time, because they were more fun and adventurous. I was a “tom boy” and was told a few times, not by my parents, to act more like a girl. I remember racing a boy in my class home from school in sixth grade because I was a pretty fast runner and knew I could beat him. Also, he said I couldn’t and well, it was on! I won, of course, every time! I was surprised and a bit offended when his older sister drew me aside and said, “You know, Steve (name changed to protect the guilty) might like you, if you acted more like a girl! Boys don’t like girls to beat them!” Well, my objective had not been to have the boy like or not like me, but simply to win a race and prove that I could run faster. Girls don’t like boys to beat them either! That idea that in order to have boys like us, we are suppose to let them feel superior to us, in any and every way, is at the core of the gender bias we are still dealing with. That was a memorable instance. It surprises me after having encountered bias so many times, so many ways, over a lot of years, that it still holds space in my mind. I think the fact that another girl was calling me out and saying something like that was especially offensive.
My first friends were boys and I constantly challenged this belief and found it to be true. In small ways, of course, but I never found anything that a girl was not capable of doing, none that mattered anyway. I remember actually liking “boy activities” better than conventional “girl activities” of the time, because they were more fun and adventurous. I was a “tom boy” and was told a few times, not by my parents, to act more like a girl. I remember racing a boy in my class home from school in sixth grade because I was a pretty fast runner and knew I could beat him. Also, he said I couldn’t and well, it was on! I won, of course, every time! I was surprised and a bit offended when his older sister drew me aside and said, “You know, Steve (name changed to protect the guilty) might like you, if you acted more like a girl! Boys don’t like girls to beat them!” Well, my objective had not been to have the boy like or not like me, but simply to win a race and prove that I could run faster. Girls don’t like boys to beat them either! That idea that in order to have boys like us, we are suppose to let them feel superior to us, in any and every way, is at the core of the gender bias we are still dealing with. That was a memorable instance. It surprises me after having encountered bias so many times, so many ways, over a lot of years, that it still holds space in my mind. I think the fact that another girl was calling me out and saying something like that was especially offensive.
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We have been denied, harassed, bullied and discriminated against and we have been patient, understanding and way too accepting of this atrocity for way too long. Do you think that is too strong a word? Or, maybe that we have made progress and I’m making too big a deal of it? If so, check your bias! There is no other marginalized group that would stand for so much, for so long. Yes, some other groups have been and still are confronted by unreasonable bias. None for as long as it has gone on for women! That is a plain and simple fact and we are the only group that has so much bias represented within its own ranks. Let that sink in!
I usually post blogs related to mind, body, spirit wellness and I was told recently when making a political post that it was in conflict with the good stuff I post. I was calling out the actions of a certain male leader and “somehow” I should be nice and not do that because a lot of people disagree and that diminishes my other “good posts”. While I know this is true, I also know it is part of the whole sit back and be quiet or don’t be confrontational role that gender bias has conferred on women. I really object! Men (I am speaking in a general sense) not only don’t like it when women beat them, but they don’t like it when women prove them wrong or confront their assertions and thinking. Of course, no one likes to lose, be wrong or have their thinking shown to be faulty. That is our nature and our ego rearing its self-protective head! However, why is it more objectional when it is a woman? This is at the core of gender inequity and what has to be dealt with in our thinking and feelings, both men and women, before we can achieve and function in a world with equality for all. The time is now!
I usually post blogs related to mind, body, spirit wellness and I was told recently when making a political post that it was in conflict with the good stuff I post. I was calling out the actions of a certain male leader and “somehow” I should be nice and not do that because a lot of people disagree and that diminishes my other “good posts”. While I know this is true, I also know it is part of the whole sit back and be quiet or don’t be confrontational role that gender bias has conferred on women. I really object! Men (I am speaking in a general sense) not only don’t like it when women beat them, but they don’t like it when women prove them wrong or confront their assertions and thinking. Of course, no one likes to lose, be wrong or have their thinking shown to be faulty. That is our nature and our ego rearing its self-protective head! However, why is it more objectional when it is a woman? This is at the core of gender inequity and what has to be dealt with in our thinking and feelings, both men and women, before we can achieve and function in a world with equality for all. The time is now!
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I could write pages on the things that have happened to me personally that call out discrimination, inequity, harassment and bias --- ranging from just silly to things that were downright criminal. At a job interview, not as a housekeeper, I was once asked if I liked house cleaning and I was stalked by someone who felt they had the right to intrude on my life in that way. A boss threatened to throw me down the stairs for being too polite, as that shows weakness! I won’t go through the whole list, but you get the picture. Though the circumstances will vary, I am guessing most women have a long list of instances they could talk about. Most men are aware of it too, even if they are not offenders themselves. I have seen things change in some ways, way too slowly, but there has been change and then we see it again and it sometimes seems as if nothing a has changed at all.
The past few years have seemed to signal change with an “Almost Woman President”, the “Me Too” Movement, women elected to more public offices than ever before and then the multiple women running for the Presidency in 2020. It has been a roller coaster ride of hope and disappointment with the old ideas and old ways hanging on, in spite of the bright moments of awareness focused on this issue. So many women had the hope of a woman President and breaking that glass ceiling and pattern of patriarchal domination. Not only were we hopeful for the progress it would make on gender issues, but because we had women who were so qualified, capable, deserving and would truly upgrade the quality of leadership for our country and make real changes so dearly needed. It was disappointing to see those gender biases spoken and demonstrated once again on our national stage and even some coming from women.
The past few years have seemed to signal change with an “Almost Woman President”, the “Me Too” Movement, women elected to more public offices than ever before and then the multiple women running for the Presidency in 2020. It has been a roller coaster ride of hope and disappointment with the old ideas and old ways hanging on, in spite of the bright moments of awareness focused on this issue. So many women had the hope of a woman President and breaking that glass ceiling and pattern of patriarchal domination. Not only were we hopeful for the progress it would make on gender issues, but because we had women who were so qualified, capable, deserving and would truly upgrade the quality of leadership for our country and make real changes so dearly needed. It was disappointing to see those gender biases spoken and demonstrated once again on our national stage and even some coming from women.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t think any woman should support or vote for a woman, just because she is a woman. I think we should vote for the most capable, qualified person with the best ideas, plans, integrity and qualifications that will do what is needed for our country and its people. If that is a woman, there is no reason to wonder if they are electable, likeable, strong enough to lead or should be taken seriously. It truly did break my heart to hear these arguments voiced by pundits on national TV and see them posted on social media. How can we still be there? My patience is running out and so is and patience of millions of American girls and women. Our nation is falling behind because of these “old and useless” ideas that are being perpetuated by fear and ignorance, as well as, an overabundance of ego and a lack of respect. Gender equality would be beneficial to both men and women. We have many examples around the world and yet, we cling stubbornly to the “old ways”. Historically this has never worked and it won’t now!
Yes, as Elizabeth Warren said, “It will happen! We just have to wait a little longer!” I am guessing we have probably missed out on that first President being Elizabeth, and that is a shame because I believe she would be an extraordinary and inspirational President. However, perhaps it will be a woman she has motivated by running for President because, “that’s what girls do!” In today’s world we need contributions from smart, capable people who are willing to get involved and give their all, and we need the best to lead. Gender should not be an obstacle or qualification. What is there to fear in smart, capable women? Equality does not take anything away from smart, capable men, we need them just as much. It only makes us stronger. One of my heroes is a young Muslim woman who said:
“Extremists have shown what frightens them the most …, A Girl with A Book!” – Malala Yousafzai
When will we stop fearing girls with books or a woman with a plan? When will little girls stop being told to act more like a girl, be lady-like, let the boys win, don’t make waves, be sweet and little boys stop being told not to cry, tough it out, man up or boys will be boys? Is that why we let the President get away with corruption and other atrocities and the Senate Majority Leaderl fail to do his job according to his oath of office –because “boys will be boys”?
I do have hope and know that things will change! I am just weary and can’t wait to see a world where things are different and everyone has the opportunity to fulfill their full potential and make this a better, kinder world for us all. To all the great men who support that vision I want to say “Thank you”!
Yes, as Elizabeth Warren said, “It will happen! We just have to wait a little longer!” I am guessing we have probably missed out on that first President being Elizabeth, and that is a shame because I believe she would be an extraordinary and inspirational President. However, perhaps it will be a woman she has motivated by running for President because, “that’s what girls do!” In today’s world we need contributions from smart, capable people who are willing to get involved and give their all, and we need the best to lead. Gender should not be an obstacle or qualification. What is there to fear in smart, capable women? Equality does not take anything away from smart, capable men, we need them just as much. It only makes us stronger. One of my heroes is a young Muslim woman who said:
“Extremists have shown what frightens them the most …, A Girl with A Book!” – Malala Yousafzai
When will we stop fearing girls with books or a woman with a plan? When will little girls stop being told to act more like a girl, be lady-like, let the boys win, don’t make waves, be sweet and little boys stop being told not to cry, tough it out, man up or boys will be boys? Is that why we let the President get away with corruption and other atrocities and the Senate Majority Leaderl fail to do his job according to his oath of office –because “boys will be boys”?
I do have hope and know that things will change! I am just weary and can’t wait to see a world where things are different and everyone has the opportunity to fulfill their full potential and make this a better, kinder world for us all. To all the great men who support that vision I want to say “Thank you”!
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What we say is important, but how we say it can sometimes be even more impactful. Putting that little twist of attitude into the conversation can make all the difference in how and what we are communicating. Humor and cleverness work their way into our communications and make a strong impression. Sarcasm and wit are two of the ways that we inject attitude into our communications and it has occurred to me that it is useful and possibly important, to be aware of how their usage is affecting the conversation.
First, what exactly are sarcasm and wit and how are they different?
Sarcasm – a) a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain b) a mode if satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.(Merriam Webster)
Wit– a) /clever or apt humor b) astuteness of perception or judgement c) a talent for banner or persiflage. (Merriam Webster)
There is a range of both sarcasm and wit that can run from fairly light and fun to very dark and negative or even biting. They are both usually associated with humor, but are very different in their impact. Using them in our communication sets a tone in both how others perceive us and our own mental attitude and how we see others and the world around us. Both can make us laugh, but the feelings behind that laughter and the emotions both engender within us and those we are speaking to are quite different.
We don’t always realize either that difference or how impactful they can be. Becoming more aware is helpful both in communicating more genuinely and keeping our own attitude and energy on a more positive level.
Generally speaking, sarcasm tends to be negative with the intention to wound and can be directed or undirected. Wit is conveyed more in an observational way and is usually not directed toward a target or meant to wound. When we use sarcasm on a regular basis, it has a tendency to make our own attitude toward others and ourselves more negative or critical. So, while we are striking out and wounding others, we are also chipping away at our own self-esteem. There is usually anger behind sarcasm.
Wit is a higher-level expression that does not hold the caustic association that sarcasm does. When I started my life coaching business, I became more aware of the difference between these two different uses of language, tone and humor. I noticed how they were used in social media posts and in general conversation and how they seemed to affect not only the conversation, but people’s mood, demeanor and responses. Doing so led to an intentional effort to use less sarcasm and try to lean more toward wit. One thing that I noticed in doing this was less misunderstanding. I paid attention to how I felt about sarcasm and wit when they were directed toward me and when they were directed at someone else and I just heard them differently. There was definitely a difference and it was decidedly funnier when not directed at me. I noticed that a lot of bullying used statements that were sarcastic in nature. Most of us don’t see it that way, but it can feel that way to the person it is targeted toward.
Why is this important? The more aware we are of how our language affects us and those we communicate with, the more authentically we will be able to communicate and the more genuinely we can express ourselves. I am not saying we should or shouldn’t be sarcastic or witty in our communication. I am saying we should be intentional and know what and how we are communicating and expressing when we use them. Try paying attention and see what you think? Sometimes funny is not as funny as we think it is!
First, what exactly are sarcasm and wit and how are they different?
Sarcasm – a) a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain b) a mode if satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.(Merriam Webster)
Wit– a) /clever or apt humor b) astuteness of perception or judgement c) a talent for banner or persiflage. (Merriam Webster)
There is a range of both sarcasm and wit that can run from fairly light and fun to very dark and negative or even biting. They are both usually associated with humor, but are very different in their impact. Using them in our communication sets a tone in both how others perceive us and our own mental attitude and how we see others and the world around us. Both can make us laugh, but the feelings behind that laughter and the emotions both engender within us and those we are speaking to are quite different.
We don’t always realize either that difference or how impactful they can be. Becoming more aware is helpful both in communicating more genuinely and keeping our own attitude and energy on a more positive level.
Generally speaking, sarcasm tends to be negative with the intention to wound and can be directed or undirected. Wit is conveyed more in an observational way and is usually not directed toward a target or meant to wound. When we use sarcasm on a regular basis, it has a tendency to make our own attitude toward others and ourselves more negative or critical. So, while we are striking out and wounding others, we are also chipping away at our own self-esteem. There is usually anger behind sarcasm.
Wit is a higher-level expression that does not hold the caustic association that sarcasm does. When I started my life coaching business, I became more aware of the difference between these two different uses of language, tone and humor. I noticed how they were used in social media posts and in general conversation and how they seemed to affect not only the conversation, but people’s mood, demeanor and responses. Doing so led to an intentional effort to use less sarcasm and try to lean more toward wit. One thing that I noticed in doing this was less misunderstanding. I paid attention to how I felt about sarcasm and wit when they were directed toward me and when they were directed at someone else and I just heard them differently. There was definitely a difference and it was decidedly funnier when not directed at me. I noticed that a lot of bullying used statements that were sarcastic in nature. Most of us don’t see it that way, but it can feel that way to the person it is targeted toward.
Why is this important? The more aware we are of how our language affects us and those we communicate with, the more authentically we will be able to communicate and the more genuinely we can express ourselves. I am not saying we should or shouldn’t be sarcastic or witty in our communication. I am saying we should be intentional and know what and how we are communicating and expressing when we use them. Try paying attention and see what you think? Sometimes funny is not as funny as we think it is!
| Wit  | Sarcasm  |
Blog By Kate Olson
Kate is a Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner & Trainer, Reiki Master, Energy Healer, Life Coach and more. To find out more about her or her work, click the links below:
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Living in Joyful Resilience: A Roadmap for Navigating Life's Ups & Downs & Simple Soul Thoughts : Collecting Moments of Joy
www.joyfulkate.com
Living in Joyful Resilience: A Roadmap for Navigating Life's Ups & Downs & Simple Soul Thoughts : Collecting Moments of Joy
www.joyfulkate.com
About the Blog
After 4 years of featuring at least 1 guest Author a month this blog changed in 2020. I loved featuring the posts of other great people who also believe in mind, body, spirit wellness. I will continue to feature articles submitted to me on this topic that align with my own mission. However, finding & reaching out to others is time consuming and I do it for my radio show, Soul Talks and other groups and projects and so for this blog i will be ramping up my own posts and perspective. posting mostly my own blogs. I will be happy & excited to post articles from those who submit them to me.
I post on a regular basis advocating for mind, body, spirit wellness and pursuing your passions to live your optimal life. I hope you enjoy the information & interesting perspectives provided. May you be blessed with curiosity, joy & the opportunity for life-long learning & growth!
Cheers!
Kate
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